Unsureman,
Firstly, like everyone else here, my heart goes out to you. You have been put into a horrible situation in which you desperately need to find out the truth, but you also know that the truth may be something you do not want to find out. It may be little consolation to you that many, many others here have found themselves pushed into that same dilemma by their cheating spouses, and they got through it, survived, and found a way forward. You will too.
What is apparent from your posts is that your wife seems extremely immature. It might just be her, it might be the fact that she has never worked and so never had to grow up to function in the workplace, but whatever the reason, she repeatedly behaves like a belligerent fifteen year-old dealing with an authority figure, not a mature or responsible wife and parent. For example, she says she doesn’t want to lose the marriage, then does something as stupidly and pointlessly provocative as going to sit next to the OM at that party recently. Seriously, what kind of idiot does something like that, drunk or not? It is almost ironic that it was then her who said you should not be going to any events where the toxic OM and his wife are likely to be, because that should not have been happening anymore now anyway. The same is true of any future trips with that whole toxic crowd, like the recent wine-tasting trip. Why let those things happen? It is asking for trouble.
Your wife recently said that she feels afraid to be herself around you, and it would be worthwhile asking her who exactly she wants to be. Going by the evidence in this thread, you want her to be an honest, monogamous wife, and she wants to be a dishonest, promiscuous bisexual. I am not saying that disrespectfully, quite the opposite, because the real crux of what is causing you problems here is the identity crisis that your wife seems to be going through. She wants the security of marriage, and the freedom to sleep with others. And it looks like she is getting frustrated by your attempts to prevent that, which is causing her to hit the bottle more and more, rather than facing up to the unsustainable contradiction that is the foundation of the problems you are both currently having.
The real issue is not so much did she, or did she not, sleep with a particular man on a particular date; it is how does she define herself and her role within the marriage, both now, and more importantly, in the future. As things stand, your idea and her idea of those things seem to be very different. While you are pegging a possible parting of the ways on whether or not she slept with a particular OM, after seeing her in action with another woman, I think that perhaps it is the issue of how the person she has become can fit into the future of the marriage that is really the important thing for the happiness of both of you. I say that because, even if you cannot definitively prove that your wife physically cheated with the OM, that does not in any way change her wayward, disrespectful behaviour, or make her any safer as a life partner.
By all means, do pursue the current line of investigation, but I think you really should get serious and go and talk to a private investigator. It sounds like you have the funds to do that, and a PI can give you all kinds of advice about how to dig for information, surveillance methods and technology, and also how to get your phone and your computer(s) checked for keylogging software and other spyware that your wife or her friends may have introduced to them. If you do consult a PI, I would further advise you to NOT post any specific details in this forum about what was discussed, or what you are going to do as a result. If your wife has been rooting around in your phone, she may also have checked your internet browsing history and may be reading this forum. While it is ‘safe’ to continue discussing a lot of elements of what is going on, you really should not go into any specifics about your investigation. What I will say is that a PI can advise about much more professional surveillance equipment than a VAR velcro’d under a car seat, and PIs can also physically track and document your wife’s movements during the day when you are working.
The diverting of your phone is as enlightening as it is clumsy. The only person who had (a) the motivation, and (b) the access necessary to do that is your wife. But why do something that would so obviously be discovered? Again, it is like the action of a rebellious teenager, not a mature woman (and certainly not a mature woman who wants to ‘save’ her marriage). As others have said, you should be able to get a log of all the numbers that called you, and you can call them back and find out what your brother-in-law said to them. It may be worth asking him why he didn’t tell you as soon as he noticed the phenomenon was occurring. What you really must do is get both your phone and your laptop thoroughly checked by people who know what they are doing, to identify and remove any spyware. I also think you should not leave either of those devices lying around at home. Guard them, and if necessary, get yourself a small safe that only you know the combination to and store them there.
As others have said, the suggestion that you should give up your job and move away should not be entertained. Why should you? Is she saying that she cannot control herself if she stays around that toxic crowd, or is she worried about what you will find out if you continue investigating? The proposed move sounds like a simplistic attempt to get you to drop everything, because obviously – she hopes - it will no longer be relevant to investigate her activities if she is no longer mixing with that crowd. The problem with that quick fix is that it does not address any of her behavioural issues, or lack of boundaries; it just means that if you move, she can do all of the same things in a new location. So a move would solve absolutely nothing. An alcoholic who moves from Ohio to Texas is not a cured alcoholic, they are a relocated alcoholic.
What needs to be resolved is who and what she wants to be, and how well those things match up against who and what you need her to be as your life partner. If, to take an extreme scenario, she really wants to be a promiscuous bisexual swinger, and that is what she needs to be happy, is it in either of your interests for her to remain in the marriage? She would feel caged and frustrated, or ‘controlled’, and you will end up constantly having to monitor her attempts to indulge herself. This is why I think her perception of who she wants to be is so critical to the prospect of future happiness for both of you, because unless your ideas on that score are similar, you are likely to make one another unhappy in future.
If you can step back from the fine details of the present situation, both of you do deserve to be happy. So maybe, along with the other questions you need answers to, the really important one to ask your wife is this:
“What do you want?”
The answer to that, and how it compares to what you want, may make or break the marriage, but unless she addresses it, you may both continue to make each other unhappy.
Honestly, I am sorry if anything here has been hard to read, but it is written with compassion for both of you, to try and help resolve a situation in which neither of you appear to be happy.
[This message edited by M1965 at 4:32 PM, November 1st (Wednesday)]
