SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

(((DMS)))) I'm so involved in my own crap, I'm ignoring the pain of others. It sounds like you're dealing with a lot, too. While I'm not involved with the courts, I am brand new to Al-Anon. Maybe Al-Anon would help you. It's for people with loved ones addicted to alcohol. Seriously, go to several different meetings. I've gone to 5 now and they are all different. The first was depressing. The second was awesome! Try out a few different ones until you find one that fits. Two years sounds like heaven, if you ask me. I would be able to figure out what I wanted to do instead of being in this state of limbo!

Yeah, two years might be a nice way to get my head together.

I am having such a fantastic weekend. I went to a couple of different Alanon meetings last week, both an online meeting and a face to face meeting, and I think I found the best group for me. It's a smaller group, the face to face one, but I was actually comfortable enough to share! They welcomed me and didn't care that I cried. Several of them had been, or were in similar situations, AND they are focusing on step one! So perfect a fit that I don't care that it is a bit of a drive. Alanon helps! Give it a try if you are thinking about it. Try several meetings. Just wanted to give a positive report!

[This message edited by Lally at 6:07 AM, August 17th (Sunday)]

Awesome Lally!

My husband was surprised today. He thought with his sobriety program he would have a restricted license with a car interlock system. It turns out he has a one year suspension with no opportunity to get his license back until then...and that is not automatic. He might not get his license back for a much longer period of time. No driving for a year...not even to go to work.

So he is stressed and he has been acting weird. His therapist once told me don't be shocked if he starts showing post acute detox symptoms. She said months after detox if the brain is stressed the person can act confused, angry and paranoid. He has been acting really mean and absent minded for the last couple days. Has anybody seen this type of problem in their alcoholic?

I know he is sober and clean because he gets tested twice a day for alcohol and he also has a random weekly drug test. He is upset about the license and I also took the opportunity a couple days ago to discuss our relationship and problems. That didn't go over very well with him.

If anybody did go through this with a loved one how long did it last?

Can I post here even if the person I'm talking about is not involved in infidelity? I've found myself falling hard for a man who seems to have issues with both alcohol and drugs. It's not every day or even every week, it seems to be when he spends time with a certain group of people. Once he starts he can't stop and he goes for days. I don't want this as part of my life, but I care deeply for him. I'm so torn I have no idea what to do.

In The Rabbit Hole,

Thanks for posting here.

Firstly, I wouldn't bank on your love being the catalyst for him changing.

Secondly, be vary wary if you are not already too emotionally attached to this person.

Most important: Read, read, read the many posts in various forums on SI.

If you start from a position of trouble - it all may seem OK at first, but it's bound to rear its ugly head again at some time, however you may be in far too deep to just walk away by that time.

Good luck to you.

Our MC gave me a book about recovery and I thought I'd post this tidbit about recovery. Looking back, I realize how accurate this was in my sitch and how "normal" some of his behavior was for the timeframe of his recovery:

"People who stop taking a substance they are dependent on usually go through predictable stages during their recovery. The timetable for recovery varies for each person, but the stages usually don't vary:

1) Withdrawl: Lasts 1-2 weeks. During this stage, the most severe symptoms are cravings and depression. Many people also experience low energy, difficulty sleeping, increased appetite, and difficulty concentrating.

2) Honeymoon: The Honeymoon stage lasts about 4 weeks. It is characterized by increased enthusiasm, and optimism. Many people think this is the end of the recovery process and things will remain positive from here on. Unfortunately, the hardest part of recovery is still to come.

3) The Wall: The Wall is the hardest stage of recovery and one of the longest. It lasts about 12-16 weeks.

The Wall brings with it some troublesome emotional and thinking difficulties. The optimism of the Honeymoon stage gives way to the full realization of the difficulty and sheer effort involved in recovery.

People in recovery experience depression, irritability, difficulty concentrating, low energy, and a general loss of enthusiasm. Risk of relapse is very high at this stage.

This stage is almost always a struggle for people in recovery, but with the support of family members and the recovery strategies they learn in treatment, clients get past the Wall."

Inthe rabbithole.....

please step back and think about what you have just written. You've dealt with the heartbreak of infidelity and now you are embarking on a relationship with a man that is exhibiting all the signs of an alcoholic.

This is a very difficult road to travel. Even though we like to think that our love will change someone that is usually not the case.

The change has to start from within the alcoholic.

Thank you all for responding to me. I'm still very torn - do I give up now or do I continue. My boyfriend has been through rehab before and was quite successful with recovery in the past, but had a recent relapse. He has since recommitted to his recovery, including AA and avoiding the triggers. His relapse involved a trip to Vegas with his friends where he became very sick and couldn't remember how he spent $10,000. He told me that he thought he would die if he continued this way and that he is going to focus on what he's learned. But how can I trust what he says? He know's he is an addict and knows he cannot have even one drink. I just wish I had a crystal ball.

Thanks GonnaGetThru for the information. My husband is entering the Wall phase soon. He has been sober since the end of June. As long as we talk about shallow topics he is okay. If I bring up anything deep--like going to marriage counseling--he gets all tense and quiet. I want to work on our marriage because right before his DUI he was hanging around with a female coworker. All the emails I recovered showed a friendly platonic relationship, but he never told me about it and I sure in hell wouldn't approve because he has boundary issues. He gravitates towards people looking for validation and that is not good when the person he is hanging about is a single female. So I am torn about pressing the issue and possibly hurting his recovery or just waiting around for another couple years since he cannot come home for 24 months as part of his sobriety program. We are essentially separated...so he is not making my world crazy at the moment. Alcoholism sucks.

His relapse involved a trip to Vegas with his friends where he became very sick and couldn't remember how he spent $10,000. He told me that he thought he would die if he continued this way and that he is going to focus on what he's learned. But how can I trust what he says? He know's he is an addict and knows he cannot have even one drink. I just wish I had a crystal ball.

He spent $10,000! Wow! Is he in debt now? Or does he normally have $10K in pocket change?

Why don't you tell him to get sober first and you guys can be friends until then. This way you are not dumping him out of your life, but you are not on the path to marriage. People can get sober and stay sober...I would make him prove he can do it before you consider something more serious.

I was married to an alcoholic for 25 years. Drinking was sporadic throughout - he would run into problems with it, quit then somewhere down the line, something would happen that would bring him right back to it.

The entire time, I would handle the fallout. I would make the excuses, pay the credit card bills, can we say enable? I never let him feel the full consequences of his drinking. I stayed because I believed that if he was trying, how could I kick him when he was down. But when the affair was confirmed, there wasn't anything else to hold on to. The one thing that got me through was that he was faithful. Once that was gone, there was simply nothing else of value.

He just got charged with a DUI on the weekend. I've spent the last few days talking with our adult sons and giving them some history so they can try to make sense out of this shithole.They refuse to talk to him. I pray that the XH has finally reached his bottom. I doubt if the boys will ever allow a relationship with him (maybe over time they will consider it) and this will be the toughest consequence of all for the XH to bear. He finally has to get out of his self-centred perspective and think about how his actions have affected our sons. It is truly sad. My heart goes out to every one of you who have had to deal with an alcoholic. There is so much collateral damage. All we can do is mitigate the damage as much as possible.

intherabbithole-

you don't trust what he says...you trust what he does. Is he committed to getting sober?

Do you see him actively trying to get sober?

Is he attending AA? They recommend 90 meetings in 90 days at first. Is he in IC trying to figure out why he needs alcohol to cope?

Talk is cheap.Actions are what count.