SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Kchip-

I hadn't read your other posts when I replied as I did, all butterflies and gumdrops. I was on a thread that we have in common and see that your wife has lied to you about some very serious matters. I retract my previous reply and agree with the others, full steam ahead.

Your wife is living in Mamby Pamby land. Same age as my wife, with children the same age as mine when her first affair happened. She is wallowing on the greener grass on the other side of the fence on fantasy island... when she looks over the fence back at you she see's nothing exciting, bills, responsibilities and kids. She is lying, cheating and being a person that bears no resemblence to the woman you married. Stop chasing her back into the marriage, because you would be kicking the can down the road until the next time you don't meet her needs. She needs to see that her actions have ended a unified family life and that may inivitably be the wake up call she needs. maybe not. But I would file and start the process.

kchip}}}

Just wanted to say my suggestion was not about being "nice" to WW, but a way to calmly communicate your thoughts through her fog since you've wanted a sincere attempt at R.

Having said that I don't see how any reasonable person could suggest you haven't given it your best try. You already had that conversation with her so if she can't process it or won't listen then it's on her.

Look after youself and detach. The crazy train can do with one less passenger.

t/j

hopeinfaith

He asked why is it ok for you to need time to heal, but not ok for him to have time to miss her.

I have to ask...what was your trick? How did you keep your head from exploding on that one?

My point to posting was the fact that her BFF was willing to tlak to me and convey that WW cries all the time and has told her and others that she doesn't want it to be over. Of course, in 7 weeks she has never shown that to me.

I would take that with a grain of salt. She wants her friends to be sympathetic to her, so of course she has to cry and sniff and say if only you were a better husband she'd have a marriage again, and that maybe you had an affair as well (just to share the blame - it's hard to get sympathy from friends when you're the only bad guy).

I don't mean to say that she's a lost cause, just that she's a WS still in A-land, even if she's not actively engaged in the A right now - their heads still stay up their asses for a while after the A is over. And people with their heads up their asses aren't thinking clearly enough to make healthy choices for themselves.

She did something terrible, really horrible to you and your children. She is not the one choosing or not choosing to keep her marriage. YOU are. You are the one looking at someone who cheated and lied and stabbed her loved ones, and is now possibly wanting to come back into the sacred space of your marriage. You want her to come back in, but she's not ready to respect that sacred space yet. She's still got the blood of your marriage dripping from her hands and she's telling you you're the one who needs a shower. She can't see herself clearly right now. When she can, she'll be horrified at herself and she will let YOU know it. Not her friends, but the man she says she wants to be married to.

I know the desperate desire to have your marriage intact and wanting to be responsible for some piece of that by improving yourself. And I think that's a great idea. Not to get your WW back, but because everyone can use some introspection and self improvement and doing so will be good for YOU. But you aren't auditioning for the role of loving husband while your wife decides whether or not to let you keep the part. You're instead healing yourself from the tremendous pain you're in, because you deserve to not be in such terrible pain, and perhaps at some point she can contribute to that healing - but if she doesn't ever do that, you will still be walking the path back to happiness.

I'm not sure if that makes sense to you right now, but please know you were heard and that we're all rooting for your happiness.

Basically, I quit. Its up to her now. Thanks everyone.

I have not been commenting much lately but I saw your thread and have read your story some and feel for you a lot. I was you. I wanted to analyse and work on my M. I wanted to help my W. Screw that. My W is an adult and so is yours. I started treating mine that way and I suggest you do to.

I don't know what you mean by quitting, but nothing is up to your W. Nothing. It is up to you. Take all of what I am about to say with a grain of salt a boulder really if you like. This is just my two cents, but I feel really good after 8 months and I am not looking back expect to gain knowledge for myself.

- Get yourself alone for a few minutes and repeat to yourself - screw her, screw her, screw her. She left you and you are alone now regarding your M. She does not appear sorry about it, she does not appear to be owning it and she does not appear to be working on fixing it. She is putting it back on you and that is a pile of crap.

-I don't know why you left your house and if there was a really good reason I will take this back, but what the hell did you leave for? She is the one who bailed on your M, not you. IMO, get your shit together and move back into your house with one goal...being the best dad you can. Coach one of their sports, drop them off at day care or school, take them on long walks or hikes, however you can do it - connect with them for them...they are going to need it.

-When you are not doing that, make plans for yourself. Sit down with a calendar and make plans for every day and night for the next month or two. Work, working out, reading books, running, playing sports, going out with friends to movies, taking the kids out, whatever. Train for a marathon, learn a new language, build a flipping pyramid. Fill it up, get busy with things you want to do, get a life without her and fast.

-Stop giving a fuck about what you W thinks of you or anything else for that matter. When and if she comes around start respecting her opinion, if she continues to be an idiot, be nice but don't let her insanity cause yours.

- Be civil. Don't use anger as a communication method. I understand you are angry, but yelling about things rarely gets you want you want. Anger lowers your IQ. Blame her once and then from that point forward ask her what she is doing about fixing herself so it does not happen again. It is fair for her to call you things you do wrong, but they have nothing to do with her affair. Nothing.

- Move the hell on. That does not mean leave her or even plan to it just means as quickly as possible let go of that fact that your W was a piece of crap (or still is). There are lots of them out there and you got one of them. Tell her to change or your moving on without her.

-Build a network of people around you that are not associated with your W. I am not saying have an A and your W can and should know all these people, but they should be your friends not hers. Your friends, your life.

- Talk to your W not her friends. If you two have a chance in Hades of getting through this it will be because you can communicate with each other not through another person. MC and C can help with that.

-Stop beating yourself up. You are fine. You really are. Basic things like breathing, eating and drinking are still possible right? Live in them. Keep it simple, because all the other stuff is crap anyway.

Am I opinionated - yep. Preachy - yep. Guess what? I am as strong as I have ever been and it is based in reality not some fantasy island like our WS live/lived in. Let them have it. It's better here on earth. Maybe they will come join us.

Detach - I have a better idea, just start living your own life and tell her she should come a long with you.

Honestly, my best to you and yours. I hope things work out for you. Be strong for you and your kids and if you W comes around, be strong for her too.

take care....

[This message edited by wert at 4:03 PM, September 6th (Thursday)]

We had a long talk today. I told her I am done fighting for her and our M. Its up to her from now on.

She opened up more than she has in 7 weeks. I learned that the night I outed the mOM (8/16),he dumped my WW in an email and she has not contacted him as he asked for NC. I suggested that to his BS in my letter to her. So that really worked out well imo. I also learned that the asshole mOM sought her out and chased her relentlessly on FB(grrr). They were friends in HS, blah blah.. I fucking hate FB now. She killed her FB the night she sent NC email (7/31). She is depressed and is on her own rollercoaster. She is going to IC and knows she has issues that need working on (understatement). Like I said before I really like the C she is seeing as she will not coddle her and let her off the hook. She does feel guilt and sounded remorseful now! She knows she made a mistake. I thought that was huge.

Our M was really happy until 2009. We went through some changes and our business took off and I started drinking again. I started to disrespect her and her contribution. Admittedly, I was a real prick to live with at times and the drinking made matters worse. The money changed my WW. She and I have never had it so good and she fell into the wrong clique. A bunch of money grubbing divorced woman who my wife did play dates and dinners with every week. I know their stories and they were a terrible influence on our M. None of this changes that fact that WW made the decision ultimately but I have no doubt her friends told her to "do it". God I hate one of her friends in particular.

So the conversation was civil and ended civil, but I reiterated I am not going to lift a finger to fix her mess. And if she indeed doesn't want a D, the clock is indeed running out.

Perfect. Well played good sir.

kchip}}}

Sounds positive...and by that I mean you sound positive, stronger.

wert}}}

glad to hear from you and that things are going better

That sounds like a very productive conversation. Sounds like the.is plenty of M blame to go around. Do rember at the end of the day you did not choose to screw someone else - she did. Own your stuff (sounds like you are) but make darn sure she owns hers in deeds not just words.

Nice work. Keep listening, watching and then finally talking.

Sounds like a great step forward.

It's great things are going better. Hope they keep on.