SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You could wander down into the Long Term Affairs thread in I Can Relate. What you are experiencing with your FWW is so common, it could almost be predicted. Once an affair is over, the WS wants to put it all behind them. For the LTA WS, they have often dealt with “finishing” the affair already. It has had its day and burnt out. It’s just there is no reason to stop – if anything there is a compulsion to continue in order to keep the secret.

The claim that they only had sex once may or may not be true. My fWH claimed he saw MOW a four or five times a year, that the sex was between 30-35 times in total, that he never stayed with her consecutive nights, that the sex part only lasted six or seven months, that the first sex wasn’t until 8/9/10mths after the first contact, he implied he had been seeing her for the last couple of years….. blah, blah. The destructive trickle truth. I met MOW and I met BH – who gave me information fWH had withheld and lied about.

It’s the desperate attempts to keep a hold on the situation, to have some control, to limit the damage and hurt to you. And lack of communication – in particular talking about the affair – is another common strategy. You DO have to ask. She is not going to bring up the subject when she can see what it does to you. And I don’t suppose she views what she tells you as “lying”.

Are you not in counselling? If not, please find someone who is experienced in dealing with long term affairs (over 2yrs). Another thing is to ask her for a timeline. Don’t expect her to remember everything – and some memories will be distorted or rewritten in her mind anyway. Give her important dates as a guide and get her to fill it all in. And then talk about it. Councelling gives both of you "permission" to say what you have to say. Otherwise this silence and avoidance will continue on her part.

Remember that you lived authentically and that you have nothing to blame yourself for. What your fWW has to do is examine why she did this, what she has done to change and what she proposes to do to help in the reconciliation process. It’s (again!) not uncommon for the BS to do the work in the early days, but she really should be picking up the baton now.

My first antiversary was spent at my IL’s. I had met MOW and decided to tell them. So I was 260 miles away from fWH.

The claim that they only had sex once may or may not be true.

Sorry, I meant to follow this up but got distracted. I say again, it may or may not be true. But that isn’t the point. That is not the most important aspect of the affair. The most important is the lying, minimising, smoke blowing and maybe blame shifting. What you want is everything on the table. And I do think the best place for that is with a good experienced counsellor. Take you time to interview and find the right one.

guss,

I rarely venture into JFO. The raw emotions still bother me too much almost 2-1/2 years after D-Day but your thread caught my eye.

From what you wrote, it sounds like there is a lot of rugsweeping going on. She is either trying to sweep it under the rug to ignore that the A happened at all and not have to answer for it or is cake eating and has taken the A underground. Have you looked for secret e-mail accounts, burner phones that she has hidden? Is she away doing stuff with friends or alone for long periods of time? Can you verify that she is actually doing the things she claims to be doing?

My XWW (I hate using the word my in front of that) got very involved in hiking. I was not allowed to participate or even to get to know her friends except for two women. One day she left for a weekend camping. I got suspicious by some of her actions, opened her computer and found her e-mail open and learned that she was meeting OM for the weekend and using her BFF as a cover. The BFF was furious but had no knowledge about it.

Your WW (she has not earned a f let alone a F) is unremorseful. It sounds like she is not willing to do the work to heal from this A. and to make amends for the pain she caused you. Is she reading any self-help books? Is she going to IC? Are you in MC? If she isn't doing the work then she is NOT committed to your M. She is just passing it off hoping you will let it drop.

XWW was very non remorseful. Once I confronted her she was blatant about dating her OM while refusing to leave the house. We were in home separated for 7 months and it was hell.

Make her write out a timeline. Don't look for the sexual details - I know that would be too painful for me but make her own up to how often she and OM met how much of it was EA and when it became PA. I do not believe that she was with someone in an EA for 3 years and it only became physical once.

Is she still in contact with this guy? Are you sure? Has she written a no contact letter? First it was all 8 years of your M, then you found out that it was 3, how do you know? Why would she suddenly stop after successfully keeping it from you for so long?

I am pushing on this because unrepentant WSs are major liars. For 12 years XWW was repulsed by lying. Then I found out just how skilled of a liar she is. And long past when it mattered and even for stupid stuff.

I strongly suggest that you try to detach. Look up the 180 and hold to it as best as you can discussing only money and children until she starts showing that she is working hard to save you M. It is YOUR choice whether to give her the gift of R. Not hers. She needs to earn it and to earn your trust again.

I know because your response to this is exactly how I wanted to respond except XWW would not have anything to do with me. It may be easier but it is just abuse towards you and that is not right.

Above all, remember that it is her actions that matter. Her words are empty.

Go down to ICR to the Betrayed Menz forum. Those guys rreally have a lot of good advice pertaining to R and getting through this shitstorm that was forced on us.

Good luck to you buddy.

Ukgirl, ghurts....

Thank you all folks, for your love. Am just soaking it in. Glad that you found my rumbling making sense.

The advancing anniversary is really giving me the creeps, so ALL your posts calm things a lot and find myself coming back over and over to be comforted.

The most important thing for me at this stage, I think is a good MC. It’s just that where I come from, we do not have good MCs. Especially those specializing in LTA. The promising one with whom we briefly started MC was biased against me that they felt that I was pushing my wife “too” much. (WW talks less naturally, a disposition I have never gotten used to) But I reason this (owning and processing the A to save the marriage) was a matter of life or death, she had better started opening up. So I gave up on MC and have mostly been reading books and articles and posts here on SI.

Back to the crap of frequency of sex…I didn’t know I would be bothered on the issue of frequency of physical encounters during the affair. But as the anniversary draws closer this seems to bother me. I am very angry that she thinks I bought her timeline: hook line and sinker. So today I found renewed energy and told fWW in no uncertain terms that she better come clean on such outstanding stuff before anniversary date or we accept that this is now merely a marriage of convenience FOR THE KIDS (and for sure, had it not been for the kids, I do not think I would be here). At this stage she knows she stands to lose so she maintains her version but she cannot totally hide the traces of her insincerity.

My CONFUSION is that if she does not come clean on the facts she is still hiding I will not heal and we might as well forget R. On the hand am not sure if I will be to process the truth if it comes this late since DD. My PAIN is that if I do not demand and give an ultimatum for her to come clean, she will think she got scot free and so will not have to do any work on her part. Also she would have no need to respect me if she knows she did not reveal all the facts and still got away with it.

I am taking it slowly really confused. But have told myself to continue searching for good MC.

Sorry, still rumbling. I sincerely appreciate all your love.

Guss.

Btw, TOMTEFAR, you tell it as it is! Pray, can you please privately share the link where I can download "Married Man's Sex Primer" asap. Searched the net but failed.

The bottom line is you need the entire truth in order to heal and forgive. You cannot forgive half truths and lies, you need the entire truth.

Being lied is what this is all about. You were lied to during the affair and you cannot take anymore lying.

That is what the puzzle letter or Jerrys Letter is all about in the Healing Library here.

Your wife should read that and understand it.

Lying is a major part of the problem.

If your wife has trouble speaking the truths, have her write you the answers. Once the whole truth is out, you and her can discuss what needs to be talked about. Just make sure, you are able to discuss and handle the new truths with calmness and no threats.

You could just tell her that you will schedule a polygraph test to find out and she how she handles that.