SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

nofool: Fatalistic much? You're generally against R because, what, it's a no-win situation so why bother?

So thankful for my BH right now. When he vowed "for better or for worse" I'm sure he had no clue how bad I could be.

I have to echo Twitchy. When I confessed to my BH, I gave details. I read a book that said to keep details vague, as they aren't helpful, but there's not much you can do when you want to dedicate yourself to R and you're faced with this question. I continued to give more details (as best I could remember - it's a bit blurry) for as often as he asked. 18+ months later, he recalls those acts and asks about them.

The upside is that he doesn't have to wonder what happened. He knows all of the awfulness. The downside is, he can now focus on those acts, fixate on them, ask me questions, etc.

In other words, it was the right thing to do to tell the details and answer what my BH wanted, but it almost always feels (to me) like it didn't help. Like it creates a movie for him to play over and over. Of course, I also believe that if I didn't tell him, he would wonder, worry, fixate, and then hate me for not answering. I know it's one of the burdens I bear, and hope like hell I could make better.

When BH is angry and starts to talk about the details, invariably he goes to such an angry place that he storms off or gets aggressive. Therefore, I've learned that when he starts to head that way in a fight, I try to change the subject to a prior point in the argument, about moving forward, about being sorry and ashamed. I hope your experience is different.

[This message edited by sadcamper at 11:34 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

Over two years out from my first DD my WH refused to answer a detail question. He thought I was too focused on the details and was not getting better. In reality, I needed to know that he would answer anything I asked; that there was nothing off limits to me. It was the final nail in the coffin. It was still more important to him to keep things private. We are now in the process of divorce.

If you truly want R then be completely open with your answers. The BS feels as if everything has been decided for them. Everything is out of our control. It's very true what is said here. It's the lies, half truths, and omissions that kill the marriage.

ETA:

(((blackkat)))

Just read the result of your telling your BS. I'm so glad that it went well. Yes, telling your BS anything that they want to know helps them feel more in control. Be prepared for more questions or repeat questions. He will want to know that this honesty is not a one time thing, but the way you will be living your live on a daily basis. You had gotten into the habit of lying and protecting yourself. You will need to focus on not falling back into those habits.

Although it did not happen for me, I believe that R and an authentic life is possible after betrayal. You can do this.

[This message edited by fallingquickly at 12:11 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

Hi - thank you for the additional feedback - I love the variety of views and experiences here!

I am nearly 3 weeks out of full disclosure in writing - and so far it seems to have moved us to a better place. I am aware that it might not last - in fact is unlikely to last and when he triggers - he now has all the details to focus on.

But, so far - so good... for now its a sigh of relief for us both. This nice lull in the storm of life post-A will hopefully give us strength and energy for the next hurricane!!

My BS wanted details. A lot of details. It will help them heal. Be open and up front about everything. And I do mean everything. This isn't about you anymore. It's about helping your BS to move forward.

nofool: Fatalistic much? You're generally against R because, what, it's a no-win situation so why bother?

Thats right. Thats the way I see it.

However, I wasn't commenting on whether they should reconcile. I was answering her question. And having been in her husband's shoes, what I thought at the time of my betrayal is more than likely what he is thinking now.

Either she wants to know what a BH might be thinking or she doesn't.

And yes, every BH is different. I'm offering one glimpse into his mind of what he possibly might be thinking because I have been there.

I'm simply saying that details won't matter, and even if it hurts more than it helps, if he asks, she owes him the answers. Thats it.

I don't recall telling her her marriage is going to die. Thats up to him and how he handles it.

[This message edited by nofool4u at 4:30 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]

And having been in her husband's shoes, what I thought at the time of my betrayal is more than likely what he is thinking now.

I don't think any one, even another BS, can possibly assume they know what he's thinking.

blackcat - I'm glad you gave him all the details and that you are both feeling relief.

yes. which is why I said "more than likely" What one BS felt during their betrayal quite possibly is some or alot of the same things her husband might feel. Not a guarantee, but a possibility.

[This message edited by nofool4u at 11:46 AM, May 24th (Friday)]

I applaud you bk for following the advise here on SI. I am yet another of those BHs who never got the truth/TT/no details and vague answers .... till I gave up. 3 years out from DDay and nothings changed no matter what we have tried towards R. Nothing will. WW doesn't understand this one bit.

I'm praying for you and your BH. You have finally put your family ahead of yourself - actually ahead of your mind worms. This is the doorway to remorse.

blackkat

was reading your post from May of this year. How are things now over 3 months later.

I hope better

BS- me 59

WS-her 57

LTA--7 yrs. PA&EA with former boss (maybe 10 yrs.?)

1 Daughter 24 - reformed eating disorder left with excessive OCB

Dday- March 2012

Confrontation day- 6 wks after d-day

Married 25 yrs.

I did contact AP's faithful wife and advised her of everything she cannot thank me enough for that.

Status: in "R" and finally getting a little better but still an uphill struggle.

yes I too am wondering how things are for you. my wife has yet to do this for me, despite asking regularly and repeatedly......she just doesn't get around to it. very hurtful....I always ask myself why I'm staying when I think about it.