SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

why don't you leave?

i don't understand why you are still there. just leave.

it actually hurts to read this thread.

I'm pretty sure that it's financial reasons, Mike....

Mike,

the reality is she needs to feel stronger in order to leave. If she is there and not leaving and this is how he treats her... think of how he will be when she leaves. If she isn't there, and he gets visitation with the kids... the kids will bear the brunt of his dysfunction and anger at their mother.

Women stay, because the repercussions are huge. When they feel strong enough to deal with the repercussions That will DEFINATELY be handed out by the abuser..Then they leave.

Each time she leaves and goes back the repercussions are ramped up exponentially.

Get stronger, get those atrophied legs working well, get your ducks in a row. Find places that can help you, local domestic violence shelters can help you with advice, places to turn to for help etc. Call them and pick their brains. Just because he hasn't been violent, doesn't mean you are NOT being abused. The emotional abuse happens before the physical abuse. The shelters know this. They may be able to help you deal with your kids and give you ways to help them deal with this situation.

Keep coming back... You are showing progress... and I am a worry wort.

Hugs,

K

The reasons are mostly financial.

I only have a PT job right now.

If I leave again it has to be for good with no help from family and I may have to cut family off because he always gets them to speak on his behalf.

Example-(family member here)He's really upset-he's crying and can't understand why you left and doesn't want to give up... Would it really hurt just to talk to him. I feel sorry for him.

He cries for 15 minutes and they betray me like that.

I cry for fifteen days and they betray me like that.

Someone somewhere-I don't recall if it was here or in a book, said that when you're leaving someone with a personality disorder you have to go NC. When your fam doesn't cooperate, you have to cut them off.

My fam can't do NC. He got back in through them.

Then yes, you have to cut off your family from contacting you.

Think of your life in danger from him (it is, if not physically than emotionally). If he has anyway to contact someone who knows where you are, he will. If that is your family... then you cut off your family in order to keep yourself alive.

Hope this helps,

Hugs,

K

[This message edited by Kajem at 1:40 PM, June 28th (Friday)]

I just found out that both kids heard me tell him I wasn't going to the wedding last month.

Several times.

I think they are wondering why dad is acting like a psycho and claiming I never told him.

Oh sweetie,

I feel so bad for you, I completely understand what you are going thru.

When you get the strength and there is no more fear what so ever, you will leave.

When you leave, you will be scared of the unknown. You will want to be back with him in some sort of way, but that is just the comfortabliness of the toxic man he is. If that makes sense.

The longer you are gone, the more you get to find yourself againa and learn what you will and will not deal with.

He is sucking the life out of you and your kids. I remember looking at my kids and have all sort of pain and anger at myself for staying and allowing it. It was like I was STUCK! Could not move. I can't explain it.

Mine was backwards however, it was always emotional, then physcial, and then the physical stopped and it went 100% verbal, mental and emotional. And his A was abuse, he just change the way he did it at the time.

He's trying to suck me back in now.

He's being so "nice"...

I wonder if he knows I'm onto him?

Surely not.

I'm sure it must take a lot of effort on his part to treat me decently.

Its the push-pull game he is playing.

Yes.

Also, he's trying to get me to change my mind about going to the wedding.

We're supposed to go on a week long camping trip shortly after that.

He knows if I'm angry enough, I'll just stay home and won't be available to help.

He's so full of it.

He brought it up again last night.

Now, after begging me to go again and claiming he's reached the point where he doesn't even want to go, he is telling me that it's my responsibility to tell her I'm not going.

He is tired of being caught in the middle.

But this trick never works.

I was always supposed to fight my own fights-- according to him.

I was supposed to be the adult and set my own boundaries with XW and SD.

This is to absolve him from any responsibility and so he can be the "good guy" and I can be the unreasonable bitch everyone thinks I am.

I quit trying to stand up for myself because it usually resulted in him jumping to the other person's defense and then they all attack me.

Early on, we tried counseling.

It was only another arena for them to abuse and manipulate and I decided never to go to any kind of counseling again because it only led to yet another betrayal.

I don't feel like it's my responsibility to draw the line here.

Ultimately, he should have been the one to fight for me instead of against me all these years.

He would rather see people walk all over me and abuse me than fight for me.

What other conclusion can I draw at this point other than he must be getting something out of it?

I said "Make something up. You guys are good at making shit up. Tell her I'm too drunk to go or something, since you both like to perpetuate this myth that I'm an unmanageable drunk."

Why is everyone pretending they're so concerned about appearances?

All they're concerned with is winning.

I told him "It's unbelieveable the lengths you people will go to to win at all costs. I just can't understand that. You don't care what you do or say or who gets hurt by it as long as you win."

I know I'm being set up for some kind of major shitstorm if I go ahead and make the phone call, write a letter or email declining to attend, which is his idea.

SD called last night and he refused to call her back because he knows she will ask him if I'm going to be there or not.

Since I'm "splitting up the family" according to him, I'm sure it will be my fault that he is not speaking to SD.

He doesn't want to cause any waves. He is already spinning everything back around to be my fault because he does not want to have any part of confronting her behaviour or standing up for me.

He would rather throw me under the bus again.

They always hug me and tell me they love me.

SD did this last weekend and makde sure dad saw. That way she can say she reached out to me but I'm just so unreasonable.

I was trying to avoid her. I wasn't ready to talk to her yet. H timed everything so I would have to be out there while they were here(I had to help cook breakfast, dontchaknow?)

I'm pissed about that too.

He knew how I felt and he just keeps throwing me out there.

I hate this!

2 X 4's welcome.

Maybe I'm wrong.

I was trying to avoid her. I wasn't ready to talk to her yet. H timed everything so I would have to be out there while they were here(I had to help cook breakfast, dontchaknow?)

But why? Why did you have to be there? And WHY in the world did YOU *have* to help cook??

Why didn't you leave? Why didn't you have somewhere else to be? (even if it was just 3 blocks away in your car with a book?)

I wouldn't say/write anything to SD about your attendance. Just don't go. Let him have his song and dance...just smile and nod and say "I have already told you I decline to go." Then walk away. Leave the house if you have to!

I wanted to leave. It was a sudden appearance with little warning.

Of course I was wrong for not coming out earlier and interacting with her.

I felt obligated to help cook breakfast because I am his wife and I don't want him starting shit with me while she's there, but of course he knows this so I just play right into everyone's hands.

He expects me to be a wife as far as helping him with house, kids, etc but that's as far as it goes. If I really try and act like some sort of a wife, he resents it. I feel like he's never been a real husband to me.

He never has my back unless he's sticking a knife in it.

I thought you had already informed SD that you wouldn't be attending the wedding? Or maybe that was the shower?

You are surrounded by a bunch of drama llamas.

As long as you keep up the running monologue in your head that reminds you that their behavior is toxic and wrong, you'll eventually come to the point where you don't give a crap about what they say about you or how they perceive you....because you'll realize that no matter WHAT you do, they'll always find *something* to bitch about. So if that's the case, you may as well do (or don't do) whatever the hell you want (or don't want) to do.

I feel like his main reason for demanding that I be there is so they can rain down even more punishment on me.

Your feelings are correct. Don't go. Don't explain. Don't feel like you have to cook breakfast or give any semblance of a normal marriage. Disengage. Entirely.

I was married to a man like this for 14 years. We were together 12 of the 14. (I had left but came back.) Then I left after 12 years of M. That was about 2 years ago. I didn't know at the time, but now that I look back and have done some research, I know now that he is a psychopath. I knew I needed to get away from him, but I didn't have the means to do it. Every time I went to work, he'd let his D (my SD) into my (our) room and get into my things.

At one point, I let him know that he was on his own. Since he was no longer a H to me, I would no longer be a W to him. I posted a sign above the kitchen sink: "Do not put dirty dishes in sink. Wash them." Signed, "The management."

Bottom line: Disengage as much as you can. Document everything you can, including things he says to you or to your daughter. You're right; your daughter is old enough to learn about how abnormal he is. She needs to know this. She also is old enough for the court to allow her to decide who to live with and whether or not she wants visits with him. At that age, they pretty much get what they want in court. At least, that's been my experience.

Do you have anyone you can stay with?

Are you able to get a roommate so rent can be shared?

Are you able to get a full-time job?

I know a lot of what you are going through, and if it turns out for you the way it did for me, his treatment of you will escalate and get worse. Please see what you can do to untangle yourself from him entirely.

And no matter what - DON'T EVER feel guilty about anything you have to do. It's a matter of survival.

There are women's shelters that will help you find financial resources. You don't have to stay in their shelters for them to help you. You might want to try it and see. They might be able to help you get him out of your life.