SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I hardly post in JFO anymore, but I read this and wanted to just chime in and say I'm very, very proud of you, and I'm sure I speak for almost everyone here.

Did you ever find out if it was a full blown PA?

He still maintains it was an EA only. Her husband also thinks it was unlikely it was a PA. Obviously, I'm still taking all of this with a large dollop of skepticism, though.

Today has been a harder day. He is still pissy about me telling her husband. I told him he had a lot of nerve expecting me to keep their secrets, and that if the worst thing anyone could say I'd done was to call him and tell him the truth, then I was VERY proud of myself.

Most days lately, I feel like I could take him or leave him. But today, the thought of him tearing apart our family for this awful, awful woman is breaking my heart.

He is still considering going to Retrouvaille, which I think is a positive step. I really do NOT want to get a divorce -- but if that's what he's set on, I am gearing up.

But in the end does it matter whether it was emotional or physical? What matters is that he said he felt an amazing enough love for this woman, enough to leave his wife and kids. Does the betrayed husband realize how much devastation his wife's relationship with your husband has caused?

For such an amazing love and connection that your spouse and this OW have, she can't own up and admit to her betrayed husband she is messing around with someone else? Sounds like your husband found a real winner!

^^^This^^^

Point this out to your WH. Ask him why she isn't dying to be with him. Ask him why if she wants him and not her BH that she even cares if her BH knows.

He'll hem and haw and that's when you point out that he (your WH) just isn't that special to her. He is probably just one of many men she sleeps with.

Pop his bubble Violetta.

(((violetta)))

I just wanted to chime in and say how awesome you are for opening your eyes and ears and really gathering the information you needed at what might be the most difficult time in your life.

Regardless of what happens, you can be proud of yourself and know you did the best thing for you.

I haven't been here long, and of course have my own twists and turns, but my story starts out very much like yours.

I didn't have SI at the beginning and I gave my WS a LOT of room to "figure things out" by moving out...he took that time to ramp things up with her( he denied there was anyone else) and basically used that lifeline to hang himself. The past few months I should have been NC, done 180 and had my bitch boots on, but I didn't have the advantage of SI to help me through that.

My WS has finally come out of the fog and now I am so exhausted from the fight that I don't know if I have what it would take to R and we've been together for 18 years and have had a mostly very very good marriage.

Anyway- I just wanted to say I am so glad you found SI in the early stages. Sometimes it is hard to hear the advice, but these folks know the drill. As you read more on the forums you will see how creepily standard the pattern is for affairs. It's truly heartbreaking.

But it can also give hope for healing-no matter which direction that healing takes.

Just wanted to chime in and say, I'm glad for what you did, Violetta. Your messages are much like mine were and I could almost hear my own voice in there, at the beginning of my journey.

I think one of the hardest moments in my entire life was when I realized I had to push divorce through, for I desparately wanted our marriage, but was verbally hit by a baseball bat from friends until I realized that I was the only one who still wanted it.

It is not an easy journey and it is filled with many blank pages, but sometimes, the very briefest glimpses of sun will poke through the clouds in your day...and night...again. At first this will be very brief and then perhaps, the sunny periods will get longer and you will find pride in rising up.

People will see you in a different light, too, includign your WH and OW and eventually, with hope, they will not matter as much as right now.

Whatever the end of your journey holds, you can rest assured of many things. One of those is that you Do have a voice and you DO deserve respect.

My Exh thought that he could fix his life's problems by replacing the people in them, so he sought an OW and off he went, but you know what? His problems are going to follow him for a long to come, and be accompanied by the legal system now! Someday, I am told and believe, I and DD will be able to restore our lives and start new chapters that we create. And by his A and the path he chose to tread, that will be far less easy or simple for him, all the while he thinks that the prople wrecking his life are gone.

I will hope the same for you and hope you will also get to a point in healing where you simply don't want to know anymore, but it takes a while.

Blessings to you, Violetta, and congrats for taking the steps that you are.

Oh, he knows she's denied everything. Of course, he's still defending her, and tells me I've "lobbed a grenade in the middle of two families" (hers and her husband's -- their parents are longtime best friends). I told him that I and the OW's husband are the betrayed ones, and they have a hell of a lot of nerve expecting us to try to make THEIR lives easier. (I wish I would have thought to point out that THEY lobbed the grenade ... I'm just the person who said, "Hey, look, a grenade!")

I also pointed out that if he and I divorce, and she and her husband divorce, then they start dating, NO ONE is going to be too stupid to figure things out.

No other updates, really. He did text me the other day and ask how I was doing, which was unusual, and when I said, "Good -- you?" he said he missed the kids a lot. We've been cordial. No more discussion about the OW, our relationship, divorce or anything else. I'm working the 180 HARD. Communication is very limited, except for stuff about the kids.

I've seen an attorney and have a good idea of what I can expect if we divorce, and what arrangements might be like if he files. (I still don't intend to right now, though I'm not ruling out the possibility.)

I wish I would have thought to point out that THEY lobbed the grenade ... I'm just the person who said, "Hey, look, a grenade!"

exactly!

Just one thing.... Retrouvaille will do NO good if he's still actively involved in an affair. I think they even mention that on the first day of the program. H and I attended Retrou 8 months after DDay. It's NOT a couples counseling program, so if you're looking for it to help you guys heal from the infidelity, then don't waste your time. What it is is a program to help you communicate with each other in a safe, effective manner that you can each understand. It doesn't teach you how to really overcome obstacles, just teaches you how to talk to each other about them.

I just would hate for you to waste the time and money and hold out hope that this will be a magic pill for your marriage.

I have heard that, and I've been clear about how it works to him. I don't know that he's going to agree to go anyway.