Returning after a long hiatus - I've been constrained by the return of my grand daughter who was away for a junior year abroad. This is the one I've raised, we raised, who has made a film about absence to honor her grandfather, written eloquently, and hasn't yet wept enough.
Though I may eventually reveal his betrayal to her, I've not been ready yet so collecting myself for posting thoughtfully has had to await the silence of the house after her return to college.
I recently found a thread on S.I.addressing the impact of "DDays" occuring years after betrayal. My husband's devotion to his mistress was enacted early, before we even knew each other, and the betrayal of our union continued through til the end of his life.
As I learn more I begin to wonder whether he compartmentalized other affairs, or other realms of dishonesty. There is evidence, not a whole lot,but enough, that this was so. It didn't diminish the good he did in his life, which was important and great but there is a taint of shame in his general tendency to find deceit easy.
His enjoyment of women in general didn't threaten me, I could honor his appreciation as a natural response. Trust. Mine. ruefully. except as he increasingly rejected me and became cruel. He was adept at turning everything around so that I was the one
"at fault".
Just want to say now that I've reread everything everyone has written and I truly cherish the wisdom and caring I have received.
Two "whammies" I've since received are (one)that my sons want me to supress my emotions about the betrayal and the infidelity. They want to preserve their good memories. They don't want to hear about it.
Also,(two) in the past 36 hours I've been diagnosed as a candidate for the cancer dance contest, twofold: breast and uterine. Feminine and sexual.Rejection. I believe it is mind-body and that the cancers, most likely began long ago, are very related to the whole deceit and dishonor and my own suppression and denial. So here's another reason to pay extra attention to your health now. It can end up being a physical manifestation of your agony.
I'm an example.
I think I'll be okay,as its early on. Very treatable.
I will keep you posted. We're all intersecting here at S.I. for this moment.
With gratitude for all you've given
Juanita
ps. Am sleeeping a little better. (though drinking too much) Thank you.
