SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

One more thought.

Has your WW been tested for STD's?

Another thing taht's been bothering me. Why didn't she use protection? Condoms are available everywhere these days and even kids can get "plan B" over the counter at any drug store.

yah i never understood the whole not using a condom part. just stupid. but yah she plans on getting tested when she has her next appointment with the ob/gyn

My wife didn't use any protection either. It seems this is a common trend with wayward spouses. I just don't understand it. It really pisses me off and it's just another slap in the face.

She needs to get tested sooner than that. Some of those things take time to cure and it's already been at least 3 weeks.

Please do not sign the birth certificate and sue the AP for child support! Whether or not you keep your wife.

Honestly watching the wear down of my wifes body for another mans baby would send me over the edge.

I salute your service sir.

we were planning on having kids anyways. so i dont see how the 'wearing down" of her body can bother me. plus if she takes care of herself she will be just as beautiful afterward. and thirdly, i love her for her mind and personality, her sexy body is just a bonus.

For your sake, get the OM's paternity established. You would hate to be divorced and paying for his kid. Regardless of how you feel, there is a very good chance of this.

I would run away as fast as I could.

Hi There.

I am sorry that you have been put into pretty much the most nightmarish situation by your WW.

Cheating is one thing, but having anther mans child puts it on a whole new level.

I know this is hard, but for your own sake you need to try to make decisions using only logic with a view to your future wellbeing, emotionally, but more importantly, financially.

Remove all emotion from the decion making from the decision making process.

In a nutshell your heart cannot be trusted to make the safest decisions, you have to use your head / logic only. Think like a Vulcan would from Star Trek.

It is is easier said than done, but I did not do this and I ruined my future over someone who ultimately was only manipulating me , because I made decisions with my heart, instead of my logic- please do not make the same mistake.

You are stongly urged to assume the worst case scenario (that she will leave you after you are on the hook for CS etc..) and then make decisions based on protecting you from those outcomes (financially first, emotionally second).

See a lawyer and follow their advice.

This obviously means you are recommended to have the OC not deemed as yours (yes, even if that means you should divorce asap should a lawyer recommend that).

Really importantly, as someone else pointed out, why didn't your WW take the 'morning after' pill to at least prevent a pregnancy from starting?

After all she knew she had unprotected sex....

So you really need to KNOW in yourself what you can or cannot cope with in all this - very soon.

You need to really decide whether you are able to cope with her having another mans child for life with you always being below the OC (and possibly even the biological father / OM) in the pecking order.

Will you ever get resentful? Honestly think about this. (for your own decision making)

IMO

I know I personally would be always reminded of how the OC came to be, and that is not fair to the child or me.

Consider:

Maybe you might tell GF/WW she should do what she wants - feels right doing, and that you support her doing whatever her choice is.

Only once she has made her decision (so as to not influence her decision), would your decision be made known, which might be that you cannot live with the that situation of raising another man's child when that child should have been yours to begin with.

If abortion is not an option, has your WW considered giving the OC up for adoption at birth?

Only you can choose for yourself, so again hard choices/decisions await you, please think carefully and seek a legal advice as they will not be encumbered by things like feelings and emotions, and listen to their advice for your own sake.

ETA: Spelling

[This message edited by PhoenixReborn at 4:52 AM, August 31st (Saturday)]

I'm sorry you are going through this, you sound like a good, honest person who is in a terrible situation and is trying to act in the most honourable way they can.

As a military member myself I understand the frustrations at not being able to deal with home issues whilst deployed and the way a deployment can distort the "real" world.

Right now there isn't much you can do to address your wife's infidelity and pregnancy. I dare say you lack the time and privacy to really explore your own emotional response to her actions either. Your focus for the time being needs to be on keeping yourself healthy and getting through the last month of your deployment, you have some big issues to work through but don't stress yourself trying to do it from the other side of the world. The stress of deployment is bad enough so just deal with what is currently in your reach to manage.

My WH is a vet.

The main issue I have with service members' wives who cheat and cry loneliness or abandonment is that they knew what they were getting into. It is wartime.

If your WW was lonely, well, you said yourself she met this guy while out with friends. She could've gone to counseling. I bet she could've made a trip to see your family. She could've made connections with spouses of other deployed soldiers.

She had many options other than choosing to cheat on you.

Right now you are caught up in the natural reaction to try to save your marriage. Sooner or later this urge will fade and you will think about what she did to you. Ya know, being deployed, I think you should be thinking more about what more she could've done to support you, and less about how lonely she was....in America, near a base full of people with similar experiences, able to go out with friends.

And being drunk is not an excuse. It lowers inhibitions. That means you are still in control; you're not psychotic.

I would think carefully about whether this is the woman you want to be tied to for 18 years. She has shown herself to be very selfish and naive (not using protection).

(((((hugs))))) and wishes for a safe remainder of your deployment.

Also.... I just saw that you said that you asked her to text you updates on what she is doing, but she is not doing so and you are the one doing most of the checking in.... Yet... She is the one who cheated and got pregnant.

What does that tell you?

Also.... I just saw that you said that you asked her to text you updates on what she is doing, but she is not doing so and you are the one doing most of the checking in.... Yet... She is the one who cheated and got pregnant.

i think i felt like this at first because i was always initiating every conversation. out here in the middle of no where we dont have cell service. only wifi in certain areas. when i go to an area i know there is wifi i will ask her wut shes doing. she does leave me messages that pop up when i enter into a wifi area and get service. so i dont think i was thinking that part through fully. she doesnt know when i am in my room or at the break area and have wifi so i cant really blame her for not initiating convo with me. but it is nice to see when she leaves me random messages saying, "hey im goin to the store" or "home from work" or whatever ya know.

You should count yourself lucky you found out what type of person she really is and divorce her immediately. Why would you embark on what you hope would be a marriage for life with a cheater carrying another man's baby? Get out now!

Trying;

Very many of us have suggested getting legal advice. No matter what you want for the future then PLEASE follow that advice.

To sign a birth certificate or not is irrelevant. Since you are married you are the father, no questions asked and basically no protest allowed. In fact – even if you divorced today and the divorce cited her getting pregnant by OM – you would still be the legal father. I’m 99% certain that refuting paternity had to be done through a legal process after birth.

Even if you remain in this marriage. Even if things work out and you two will grow old together… You NEED to know your legal standing. For example: what if OM demands a part in the child’s life? What rights might the child have to know true paternity? Can OM come back to your family? What does taking action now mean? What does NOT taking action now mean? Can she refute paternity? If so when and how? There are dozens of questions you need answers to.

Look – You post on this forum for some reason. You are seeking advice… Don’t ignore it!

Trying; what is your biggest fear in this situation? Is it losing your wife?

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

I agree 100% with Bigger. You must talk to a lawyer.

Are you subject to being deployed again?

Just an FYI, I have a cousin who's fiancé cheated on him and got pregnant.

He went ahead and married the girl, raised the child as his own and they had 3 more children together.

All the children are grown now and they are still married.

So it's possible. You will have time to decide what is right for you.

ultimately i do think the thing i am most scared about is losing my wife. i love her too damn much to just walk away.

i am definitely looking for advice on here and i have planned on seeing a lawyer, alone, when i get back to the states. i will figure out all my options and then decide wut my decision about the child will be.

i have explained to my wife that this is what i need to do and she understands. the legal side is all on my shoulders and mine alone. i told her that i would not be strong enough to go through this again and that if it did there would be a separation. so i have to kind of prepare legally for that outcome. granted it is the last outcome i want to unfold.

That's wise of you. Now, how are YOU doing? What can we do to support you? Are you keeping yourself focused in the field, staying hydrated, and trying to get rest when you can? Have you found something to do there that can take your mind off of things state-side for a while punching the heck out of a bag or the like? Take care of yourself.

yes. i am doing better. i don't really do msuch outside of work except stay in contact withthe wife and talk with her as much as possible. when we can't talk i hang out and play cards with friends. that about it.

tomorrow i am scheduled to talk to an IC. hopefully i can clear my head a little more. I've gotten some details from the wife about the times she was with the OM and im starting to think that it might potentially be rape. just because of how it all went down and stuff. i need to get more details but from wut she told me the first time i tried to get detailed info that's wut it seemed like to me. ill update later when i find out more.

[This message edited by TryingToBeBrave at 2:54 PM, September 1st (Sunday)]

If he raped her, why did she...

Add him in Facebook

Switch from Facebook messaging to texting when you caught them

Babysit his kids, lying about the fact that it was the same guy she was Facebook messaging

Sleep with him not once, not twice, not three times but four times

Only deleted him from Facebook and phone after you found out

I implore you not to let her get away with this and walk all over you. You sound like a good, supportive, caring husband. She betrayed you. Please stop making excuses for her. She is a broken person and unless she works long and hard on herself, she will do this again.

Some books for both of you:

Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair

And specifically for you:

Codependent No More

Please take care of yourself and put yourself first.

ok so i talked more in deatail with the wife. i have concluded that technically the first night was a form of rape. i think this because he got her drunk, drove back to his place, slept in his bed, and then in the morning found out they had sex, she had no memory of the event. But since she was not denying the fact that she put herself in the situation and repeatedly did so that there had to be some form of desire for it to happen.

so i think me grasping at a rape claim was to try and deny that she could do this to me. but im over that all now and am ready to move forward again.