SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I would ask about your sex life pre A. I have not read your profile but how was it for you 2 when you first met? Did you enjoy sex?

Forgive me if I am wrong but it feels like you 2 have not been on the same age for awhile. And neither seems to want to break down these walls.

Saying neither of you will seek MC/IC to work out these issues which have grown to major WALLS is a recipie for failure. You both are angry, you both are unsatisfied and you both won't talk about it.

I truly wish for you both the ability to find a way to talk. About everything. Seems like you have nothing left to lose at this point.

Thanks for the suggestion, unfortuneatly I have not had the pleasure of seeing my BS naked in three & a half years. The hurt runs that deep.

But didn't you say:

About a year & half ago we did try to restart our sex life.

I know I asked this earlier, but: what are all the things that are special to you about your wife?

Romance might feel out of your comfort zone, but try it. Try getting into it. It's not only a way to comfort your BS, but also a way to reconnect with each other. To have genuinely positive experiences with each other and build new, happy memories. What is holding you back? Is it lack of ideas or something else?

Got the book I was thinking about.

"I love you but I'm not in love you" Seven steps of saving your relationship. By Andrew G Marshall.

Great book. "never underestimate the significance of a single, generous, open hearted gesture".

I recommend this one for you.

I love the simple saying. A miracle is simply a change in perception.

Rather than tasking your wife with making a decision understand you have that choice as well.

I can't imagine how hard it would be to open myself up to someone that betrayed me. I can't because I didn't. I knew that the amount of trust needed as well as the safety required for that act to occur was beyond my marriage with my ex. Didn't exist. Never existed.

Once I understood that my course was clear...for me and therefore for us as a couple.

I'm not condemning him to a life sentence of vigilance and retribution for all his past choices nor am I inflicting my imperfect healing on him thus potentially limiting his growth and chance to have a fresh set of eyes observe the man now without the baggage hologramed on to him.

Your wife's responses may be very understandable. Your frustration with them also understandable.

Either there can be a shift in perception or the dance continues with both partners seeing the other as the reason for their own movements.

You can have understanding and empathy for her pain. Acknowledge your responsibility for your role in the cause while choosing a different path.

A marriage that is celibate, unless both partners want that, is a recipe for disaster.

It's not about blame. It's simply sustainability.

Fear can paralyze. It can also alert the person feeling it that there is a real threat and they need to get themselves to safety. When facing a true life threatening event your body usually makes that decision for you by running or fighting. If its more subtle you have to make the choice no matter how hard it can be or risk staying and fighting not just the "enemy" but yourself as well.

Long way to my point. Sometimes the mere understanding you have a choice and staying every day is an active choice brings some stability and frees your mind to explore possibilities not entertained previously due to the internal struggle.

It can also bring clarity that what once was is no longer viable.

@JustDesserts & mrmarx

Hey guys,

You know what I really like?

Points of view from both ends of the spectrum so I can accurately determine the middle.

I would ask about your sex life pre A. I have not read your profile but how was it for you 2 when you first met? Did you enjoy sex?

From the first time and the twenty years thereafter, spectacular, awesome, mind blowing. The latter fifteen years, up & down.

Probably tmi, but when we were in our thirties I often had to ask for a couple of days respite to regain my strength.

@Silverhopes. It was dark and no lights.

I know I asked this earlier, but: what are all the things that are special to you about your wife?

Her wicked sense of humour

A laugh that can make my day

Her ability to organise

Her intelligence and quick wit

Generous & empathic nature

Hazel/green eyes depending on the light

Her taste in entertainment (we don't have exactly the same tastes, she likes musicals, go figure)

She has lustrous straight long hair.

Her cooking, she makes the best desserts. (one of the reasons I'm 20kgs [45lbs] over my 'ideal' weight)

The following may sound a bit crude but remember it comes from a place of love with a just touch of lust.(maybe a bit more than a touch)

She has the most shapely long legs I have ever seen on a woman.(or a man for that matter, not that I look)

A 'rack' to die for, a butt the angels sing about and a full curvaceous womanly figure.

@ UO

In my long time lurking on SI I have sometimes had difficulty following your train of thought.

On this occasion, I get the point