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Coda if she wants a separation I would make her take the kids or let her stay there at home and you leave for the week.

she is up to something fishy that week. Why make her life easy? Tell her you stay home with the kids and I'll leave and see how she responds. You could hire PI to watch the house and see who comes and goes.

I would never let her go for a week without the kids. If my husband said he wanted a week off I'd say take the kids with you then..... Of course, we don't have any so I would say take the dog. A week off should not be a week off of responsibility. If you two break up she will have the kids at least part of the time. Let her see how it will be with OM and her kids.

Update, we had a huge fight last night. I basically told her if she see's the OM during the separation, that our marriage is over. Then she snapped and got really angry. I've only seen her like this a couple times in our 12 years of marriage. She actually hit me a couple times and she had a ballpoint pen in her hand, so I had to back away to avoid being possible stabbed. Then she took a real low blow and said something to the effect that she was not satisfied sexually with me, which is why she cheated. I think it was said to try in hurt me (it did), but I tried no to react and just went upstairs to take a shower. After that I went to the garage got several boxes with financial records. She asked what I was doing and I said gathering docs for my lawyer. She seemed concerned about that and said she thought we would use the same lawyer and try to negotiate and uncontested divorce. I said I would use my own laywer because I dont trust her.

So now I'm pretty sure she hates me. And I don't see how we can save the marriage now. I also don't understand why she got so angry, when I'm the one who got cheated on. Maybe she is fed up with the 180 ive been doing the last couple week. This is getting worse as time goes on. I told her for me it's that the affair has continued for almost 5 weeks after Dday, and that everyday my desire to reconcile fades a little.

I see little hope, but I still want to work things out if she can come to her senses and realize what she has done.

I found out the AP & his wife moved to another condiminium in July. But I don't know what unit #. Also I don't think its a good idea for me to go their in person. If the AP, I might just lose my temper (which is already short). If violence were to occur, it would only hurt me if end up getting divorced as she would use this against me for custody of the children. So I can't take the risk. I have to find another way to contact the APs wife.

[This message edited by coda87 at 6:51 PM, September 27th (Friday)]

Coda:

She is angry because she is not getting her way. She is just like a two year old that doesn't want to take her nap. You did good! I know it hurts, but this is the only way your marriage even has a chance, by you saying "no way am I putting up with this".

I promise you, telling the OM's wife will help. It will show your wife that you refuse to be treated like this. She will be furious, but sometimes this is the rock bottom they need to see things clearly. Go ahead with your attorney plans. You can always stop the proceedings later if things work out.

Finally, I can access public tax records here in my county which list their physical address and their mailing address. Try searching on the internet "_____ County Property Tax Records". I understand if you don't want to do it yourself. Get all the evidence copied and give it to a friend or coworker to deliver for you.

I've never been a fan of the 180 since it is mainly mis-applied. You need to detach, win back some of the respect you lost and portray yourself as a strong person who will not be abused.

Ok, you need to do it without driving your WW to point of such anger that she attacks you with a ball-point pen. What have you gained? She is now full of self-righteous anger; you are the bastard she always thought you were; you deserve to be cheated on etc. etc.

Avoid arguments; maintain a friendly attitude, discuss things rationally while being firm about the boundaries you have drawn. This gives your WW no opportunity to draw on anger to justify her adultery. Getting your wife angry is the most counterproductive thing you could do; just drives her into the arms of the OM and denies you the opportunity of rescuing your marriage.

The 180 is an instrument of detachment and withdrawal; not a mechanism of cold hostility and aggressive confrontation.

Separate; file for divorce, whatever. but do it with a smile on your face even it hurts. Every time you lose your temper, be hostile, or coldly ignore her, it gives her justification to bury the guilt even deeper. It would be most preferable for her to face guilt before the divorce, when there is chance to save the marriage. You need to keep your wife in a reasonably calm, rational frame of mind so she can make better decisions. Provoking rage is not the way to accomplish this.

I doubt her anger was from mistake in the practice of the 180 on Coda's part. She's angry because she has no respect her herself or Coda or the other couple's marriage, because she's scared underneath as she is realizing the support structure of her marriage is falling apart, because she is a ball of needs not getting met and can only lash out or act our like a child.

Coda,

I will make this very short, but think about this carefully:

--You state that you would like to work things out with your wife if she was to come around.

--You have witnessed behavior in her, that you have never seen before, prior to her affair.

--She has been in a position of alluded power, and has seen you as weak and indecisive(sorry, I know that hurts, but it is true).

--If you look at her affair like an addiction, and she does eventually come out of it ON HER OWN, and the two of you try to reconcile, she is going to ask you:

"I was an addict and not in my correct train of thought. I was self-destructing in front of your very eyes...yet you continued to let me. I know that I am responsible for my own actions, but how could you let me do this to you and myself and not try to stop me?"

How would you answer her?

Please stand up for what is right. If she chooses not to abide, then you can leave with the knowledge of knowing that you were not going to compromise your integrity any longer.

Remember my burning house comparison?

Well, when you start spraying a blazing flame with water the initial results might make you doubt you are doing anything good. The steam, smoke, hissing sound, falling embers… If you had never before seen a fire and extinguished one then you would probably doubt you were doing right.

Like I said; one of the biggest problems is that you are dealing with a crisis you aren’t prepared for. Had this been a fire you would KNOW that the water is doing its job and carry on spraying despite the initial reactions.

Same here… Your wife is hissing and spouting gas and your only correct reaction is to stand firm.

Her comments about sexual satisfaction… It hurts but its simply her way to hurt you. Don’t put any weight into those words. If she turns around then this is an issue you two can deal with in MC but for now… It’s just the fire burning your carpet.

IMHO your main emphasis right now should be finding OMW. You should place immense effort on that task and set a goal of getting this done in the next 48 hours.

Ok, I just found out that the AP's wife received my letter informing her that her husband is having an affair with my wife. My WW told me that the AP texted her about this today. She didn't seem too angry about it, just worried about what the AP's wife reaction would be and if she would be able to figure out my wife's identity (I didn't put her name in the letter). I told her the reason why I did it was not for revenge, but that I just wanted the affair to end and that this was one way I thought it could be accomplished.

We'll see what happens now. This might screw up my WW's plans to see the AP during the one week separation.

I will post updates as things happen. But I have to say I feel somewhat better/relieved that the AP's wife knows now.

[This message edited by coda87 at 6:16 PM, September 28th (Saturday)]

.....and since the confirmation of your exposure came from your WW....then it's true?

At this point, I wouldn't believe a word coming out of your WW mouth. Most likely, the OM probably intercepted the letter and informed your WW. Happens all the time here.

You need confirmation from the other BS.

oh my god, I'm sitting here in shock that no one has said this already.

CALL THE POLICE ABOUT HER HITTING YOU!!

if it were a man hitting a woman everyone on here would be all over her to call the police and not put up with that etc etc etc. if you are headed towards divorce she will paint you horribly and you are just gonna sit there and be like "what....I can't believe she would do this?"

a piece of advice, when someone tells you who they are through their actions, you should listen to them.

so her actions are screaming to you and drawing a picture, and using hand signals, Morse code, sign language, and every other conceivable communication known to man......and yet you seem to not get it.

right now you are experiencing the results of not HITTING this thing right in throat, you keep lightly pushing and hoping that alone will kick ass. it won't, it's not.

so go talk to.the other man's wife......do you hear that.....go TALK to the other man's wife.....not write a letter, not call her......GO, find her, and TALK to her. follow the other man from his work to his home, then go talk to his wife the next day.

Right now, you should call the police and report this domestic violence. and this will put things on your side.....currently you sit and your wife attacks you and belittles you, disrespect you and your marriage and you are still trying to love her out of this crap. You are in a fight, and if you don't start acting like it, your gonna keep.getting you ass kicked.

I'm sorry this seems harsh, but you are a man....and someone needs to tell you to man up and get protecting yourself and your kids.

[This message edited by Emptyshelldad at 2:28 AM, September 29th (Sunday)]

Some of you were right on the money. I just found a receipt for Victoria's Secret for $200+ worth of thongs, sexy pushup bras, lingerie. Receipt dated today. She starts her one week vacation on Wednesday. I guess she was planning it to be a "fuckfest" as another member put it. I give up already. Tomorrow I will schedule another appt with my attorney and tell him to start filing divorce proceedings.

Thank you guys/gals for all your advice. Some of it I didn't want to believe, but you guys were right. I should have listened.

This is hell

GO EXPOSE IT TO THE OTHER MANS WIFE RIGHT NOW!! TODAY!

You may still be able to at least put a stop to the fuckfest. This douche will throw your wife's ass under the bus so fuckin fast that she will be in shock. Right now she thinks she is in love or lust or whatever, but when he shows her where his real loyalties lie, her fantasy land won't be able to support the continuation of the fantasy against the backdrop of such an obvious reality.

Remember, your wife is just a piece of side ass for this ass clown, he is not going to risk his marriage further for her by doing a week of fuckfest right after his wife finds out. But I promise you that his being there in person to refute your letter, caused her to believe him....kind of....she is still suspicious, but the fact is anyone in person will be more believable than words on a page.

Your actions now may have a huge impact on the rest of your life. Gather all the evidence you have including the vitorias secret receipt and go to other mans wife.

Good luck bro, sorry again for being so harsh but right now you need a war time consigliere (godfather).

GO EXPOSE IT TO THE OTHER MANS WIFE RIGHT NOW!! TODAY!

You may still be able to at least put a stop to the fuckfest. This douche will throw your wife's ass under the bus so fuckin fast that she will be in shock. Right now she thinks she is in love or lust or whatever, but when he shows her where his real loyalties lie, her fantasy land won't be able to support the continuation of the fantasy against the backdrop of such an obvious reality.

Remember, your wife is just a piece of side ass for this ass clown, he is not going to risk his marriage further for her by doing a week of fuckfest right after his wife finds out. But I promise you that his being there in person to refute your letter, caused her to believe him....kind of....she is still suspicious, but the fact is anyone in person will be more believable than words on a page.

Your actions now may have a huge impact on the rest of your life. Gather all the evidence you have including the vitorias secret receipt and go to other mans wife.

Good luck bro, sorry again for being so harsh but right now you need a war time consigliere (godfather).

Want to put a damper on the fuckfest or ruin it completely?? Tell the OM's wife!! She deserves to know just like you do. Right now you are planning what is best for you. There is no one looking out for her. Wouldn't you want someone to do this for you? I am so sorry that you are going through this. Every decision is a tough one. Keep strong and lean on the people here who have been through it. They are invaluable.

COda

You should have your wife arrested for spousal abuse.

Between the stabbing pen action and V.S. underwear I hope you realize what a liar you are dealing with.

File for divorce.

Move her out.

And tell her therapist what an idiot they are.

And stop being a nice guy, they always finish last.

Good Luck

HM

I'm so sorry for you brother. this is so devastating to all involved. especially for the children. I would like to emphasize however, it's much better to be from a broken home rather than to have to live in one.

file for divorce. out her affair to everyone. it will be a quick way to find out who supports you. please please tell the other betrayed spouse.

document everything you can.

strength

Your actions now may have a huge impact on the rest of your life

Very true words from emptyshelldad.

If you wish to have any chance of saving your marriage, tell your wife that if she goes on the week long vacation you will divorce her - and follow through; don't backtrack. Tell her about your discovery of the lingerie.

Secondly, you MUST contact the OM's wife within the next few days; that means talking to her face to face, not hearsay from your liar of a wife. Tell the BW of their plans to meet next week for sex. There is a chance she may be able to stop it.

Your wife has little respect for you and obviously does not think you will go through with a divorce. After the fuckfest she will claim it now all over and she is willing to reconcile. [Affair may go underground]. Everyone will pressure you to rebuild your marriage and drop the divorce.

Your wife will think it highly amusing; she got her excitement and week of pleasure and you finally accepted this and didn't divorce her after all. She must be very sure of herself; of course she will use the kids as a reason why you both must stay together.

Meanwhile you have been both outwitted and humiliated. Won't be much of a marriage afterwards and more affairs will follow.

It‘s nothing worse than you knew already. You knew she was going to see OM during the break because she had already told you so.

I want to suggest you enter the next phase with a plan. If you don’t then there is the tremendous risk that you two just simply meander along with no resolution to what’s going on. The plan I’m going to suggest is based on three main tasks:

Make the affair a hard place to be in

The first task - making the affair a hard place to be in – is mainly dealt with by acknowledging and not hiding the affair. Don’t talk around it and be direct; if your wife is leaving the house for the evening then simply tell her “you are leaving to see affair partner” (never call him “your lover” or anything that even adds the slightest romantic base to his role).

Expose the affair. Good job on the OMW but I recommend you confirm she has the news. Make sure she knows WW is out for the next week so OM will probably be seeing her. But expose to others. Look around at your friends. If there is anyone that you think might have positive effects on your wife then approach them and ask for help. “My wife is having an affair with OM. This affair threatens to destroy my family. I wish we could reconcile but as you can imagine it’s impossible while WW is seeing OM. I would greatly appreciate any advice, suggestion or support you could offer me and/or WW so we can save our family”.

Refuse to finance the affair. Make your wife pay her share of the joint bills and refuse to allow money be spent on hotels, gifts, dinners and so on that are in any way connected to the affair. Make sure the family gets its share of any money before either of you gets to spend it on personal issues. Be vocal on this too: “Don’t you think our kids deserve to eat rather than your affair partner gets to see you in new lingerie?”

Refuse to support the affair. Your wife want to go out in the evening? Well – who’s taking care of the kids? Maybe this was the evening you had planned to work late or go out.

Go see your attorney and start whatever process is necessary for divorce. Keep this in mind: YOU can and need to do a lot of work. Things like getting financial statements, list of assets, seeing what needs to be done to value the house… These are all tasks you can start off doing while or before she is served. Even when the process has started then it’s a long path until it’s over. There is no rule that says once started you can’t stop.

Make the marriage attractive.

Sad thing is you can’t tell your wife what she’s risking. But you can show it. You make the marriage attractive by not participating in arguments. By not moping around. Instead you start exercising. You start and finish all those small projects at home. You dress that little bit neater. Shave Saturday mornings (I shower and shave every morning and wear a suit to work. On weekends I tended to not shave and wear my favorite jeans and t. Why should I dress up for work but not for home? Changed that – now I dress up for my wife). Get a haircut. Some new clothes. Do all this progressively – not all at the same time.

You definitely do the 180 – you don’t exercise or dress for HER. But consequences are that you will feel better and more confident and she will see that. She will start questioning whether she’s doing the right thing.

Remember my long speech in my first post on your situation? (“Wife. I love you and...”) Well – do it. Make that speech. That’s part of making the marriage attractive. It makes YOU the one in power.

Try to imagine your wife as two people: There is the W. This is the woman you married. She’s still there, if she wasn’t she would be gone already. But there is also the WW. That’s the one having the affair. And you want to excommunicate that person. The W and the WW are not always in agreement. Making the marriage attractive is aimed at the W and is hated by the WW. The WW wants a reason to leave you so the WW starts arguments (that you don’t respond to). These arguments are aimed at justifying her view on the marriage. Feed the W with reality about how the marriage really is and she can come back.

Make leaving the marriage hard.

Look – I hate it when people here on SI suggest filing for sole custody, kicking out of the house, emptying pension funds… Fact is all income in a marriage, all assets and all debts are joined (more or less). Even the most amicable divorces tend to be messy and my advice is in NO WAY aimed at making things messier.

Just don’t lean over backwards to accommodate her. That’s all.

We men tend to leave the house to the wife, take all the debt, the unwanted cat, the plastic cutlery and move into a bachelors pad with one bedroom and a kitchenette. Then the ex wife expects us to come over on Sunday to mow the lawn and fix the car. Heck – we might even talk about yesterday’s game with OM who’s lounging about in our old dressing gown. All friendly and lovely.

Reality is different. IF this ends in divorce (and it’s still a long way off!) you will both suffer financially. Chances are the house is gone. Not unless either can afford it and can also afford to pay off the other. And five years from now you two will hopefully be good co-parents but other than the parenting roles have no common ground. You won’t visit, won’t share Thanksgiving and won’t holiday together.

So be fair in divorce but be realistic. Make the split as equal as you can afford and accept and realize that D will impact all your family in so many different ways.

NEVER talk D with your wife. IF she initiates d-talk then simply say “I am too emotionally attached to this marriage to trust myself to act rationally and protect my interests. All D-talk should be through my attorney Mr. Ieat Sharks Forlunch.”

Finally coda…

NOW. No wait. No delay…

I like the suggestion from Bigger.

If she still insists of going on the week-long fuckfest then tell friends and family. Don't forget to mention the lingerie.

Even the threat of doing this may pull your wife back from the cliff-edge. What a stupid person; she is about to emasculate you and can't understand what the long-term effects will be.

I hope you get this post in time since your WW leaves for her trip tomorrow.

I would also inform her that ALL of her belongings will be sitting on the curb when she comes back & she will NOT come back to the marital home until you decide to let her. (and if she goes anyway, pack her shit, if you want...you can also just throw it out there & make her pack it all up herself.

Then take a pic & text it to her & tell her "I hope it doesn't rain while you are gone".

(and everything Bigger said)

Be strong!!! Think of your children & how you want to them to perceive & handle the whole situation.

If this was your son, what would you think he should do......let his wife go on her vacay & fuck another man while your son lay bleeding at home? I doubt it so if that is what it takes for you to get tough....keep in that mind-frame that it is happening to one of your sons. Your kids will remember this & they understand WAY more than we give them credit for so you need to show them you won't be a wussy boy while your wife leaves for a week to fuck another person's husband.

(and please.....not saying you are a wussy boy...just a figure of speech to give the reflection)

My thoughts & prayers are with you tonight!

You deserve better than this so don't settle for less!!!