SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm starting my own IC this week. I want to be a bit stronger before MC. I've decided this is about my recovery and him taking charge and me not being the strong one for now. I think MC could be started too soon. We are making changes in the things we've identified.

I feel at times like its death or glory and I'm just going to throw all my efforts into trying for R but then I feel sick with fear that it will be more death than glory.

I think I started MC too early and put it on hold few weeks while did few sessions of IC. I think it will make a big difference (I also changed MC as I made a big mistake in choice of first who kept talking about co-responsibility for the affair(rather than for marital problems) of the BS. Anyway, wanted to say get strong and hope you have moments when pain passes or at least isn't front and center...

He's off to STI clinic this morning. I'm working. The new reality. I can't protect him from pain. Even though I still want to despite the pain he's caused me. Crazy

What do I want?

Not an easy question to answer actually. I haven't asked that in years

I want more fun. My life has all been about work for years. I want to move to a smaller house and work a lot less. Nurture friendships and laugh and make plans and run. Last night I ran for the first time since dday. He pushed me out the door to get me to go and I appreciated that so much. I need to run as it's where I get my space to think and feel. I've been a bit scared of that since dday. But it was good.

On a more serious note I want to be able to feel. I've issues from childhood made worse by his illness that mean I find it much easier to bury feelings than to feel them. I've worked on not eating my feelings away and have lost weight and that's great but I'm still not tackling this. Some of my anxiety is the fact I can't allow myself to feel angry with the AP never mind my husband. I start IC tomorrow to address that.

What I mainly want for my husband is for him to address his mental illness and do all he can to be as well as he can be.

I want R. But a genuine R and to get there properly I need to feel the pain and we have a lot of shit to address

I realise it will take time but I am just going one step at a time for now

I also want the psychopathic witch to suffer. A lot

Big moment for me this evening

I was just feeling very sad and instead of denying it to myself or my WH I just tried to let myself feel it. I didn't eat it away either. It has faded a little now

He's gone out to swim and I feel ok about that. Fairly calm compared to last week when he did the same. Will still check on find my iPhone that he's where he said he was but less scared about what I will find

I couldn't find my thread

There are so many of us finding out this stuff right now

Is it always like this?

Another day begins

My first IC session later. Hopefully a run after dinner to clear my head a little and order my thoughts