SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ditto for September Rain.

What Sailorgirl said resonated for me in my infidelity situation: " OW is immature, and she enjoyed the secret accounts, code names, and pulling one over on their coworkers. It made her feel like she and fWH had this extra special "bond". She thought a dirty secret was an actual way to connect deeply with another human being. It may be a bond, but it's a lot more like shackles than love."

SAWH was involved with someone through work. Part of the thrill was pulling one over on everyone else she was working with who also knew him. I can tell this was a big part of it...I saw texts that said something to the effect of "Whoops someone spotted us at X last night." I know that by the time I caught on, she was wanting their relationship to be more out in the open but of course maintained that she did not want to be a home wrecker. HUH? They were going as a couple to all sorts of fundraisers and events. She had just turned 30 so I'm sure that was a factor, too. She is starting to look...what is the saying? Ridden hard and put away wet. I can tell by the tone of some of the texts I saw that she was getting desperate to pin my H down (probably because he was there and available and she perceived him as being wealthy...she obviously was not thinking things through...I would be the wealthy one if he left me for her.)

Also want to add that a friend of mine who was involved with her MM boss for a year said that the secretive nature was the exciting part at first but it wears off quickly. In hindsight she admits they were just two damaged, very selfish people who get into an unhealthy habit and neither one has the guts to break away. My friend finally broke it off because she knew she wanted something more and he would never be able to give it. I love my friend - have known her since college - but she always made really bad choices when it comes to romantic partners. She must have some insecurity underneath her confident exterior.

Womaninflux

Actually my FWH said the same thing right after DDay about the secret being the connection. It was also the draw.

My H made it clear to OW that he was not leaving me and it was just the sneaking that at first was exciting, but then made him physically sick. He lost a lot of weight and had very high blood pressure.

He told her on numerous occasions that he couldn't do this anymore and how it was making him sick...they both clearly were into the addiction of the sneak

The OW in my case was lonely, desparate and lacking boundaries and self-esteem. She knew within 5 minutes of meeting him that he was taken. She was willing to take any crumbs that he would throw her way. A truly pathetic creature.

I think the bottom line is low self esteem.

Consciously, she thinks she is special because she can lure a man away from his wife, even if for only a few hours at a time. It is a power trip. Especially since the secrecy creates this "special bond" in her head, when really she just holds power over the man because she can, at any time, reveal the A to the W, and this keeps him under her control.

Subconsciously tho, she knows that when her AP leaves her she can convince herself that it isn't because of any of her flaws, but only because he's that "decent guy" who wouldn't leave his wife, even tho he would rather be with her. This enables her to continue to feel good about herself. She can continue the fantasy of star crossed lovers torn apart by circumstance.

hopefullromantic

I think you nailed it.

My WH's OW is married, her husband is in prison. When I found out about them, he told me that "She has a lot of problems and I have a woman now who wants to travel with me. She gave up a lot to be with me."

Such fucking nerve!

I have been posting a lot at an OW "support" forum, and I can tell you, those single OW are all kinds of fucked up. I'm not being biased they are FUUUCCCKKKED UPPP. They have some serious issues, for reals.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 3:38 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]

This topic has perplexed and driven me nuts. Why would a single, unattached person go after a married man, when it rarely turns out well and is usually as messy as hell? My H is the only man I have given myself to and I was his first. It kills me inside that we are no longer exclusive lovers and he has had a woman nearly 20 years younger than we are.

In our case, she is a never married, horny desperate 36 year old whore whose biological clock is ticking away. I think she wanted the stability of older man. She has major daddy issues, proudly proclaiming she is still daddy's little princess and he would approve of anything she wanted. She is very opinionated, always needs to be right, needs constant approval, and collects people rather than making friends. She wanted a sperm donor who was decent enough not to leave her. Thank God for the vasectomy that he never told her about. Who screws like dogs with no protection?

She had to go after a married man with issues of depression, middle age funk, and his own FOO issues because she cannot get anything else to share her life except a cat. Single men would not stay around her and put up with the inflated ego that compensates for the giant void in her soul.

I hope she has early onset menopause.

How about one that pursues off and on

for 37 years? One of the ow in my fwh life has been around for 37 years. You tell me what kind of fucked up bitch do you have to be? How desperate do you have to be. What is your legacy in life? That you f***ed a married man for 37 years and he wouldn't leave his wife?

And, this stupid bitch isn't even the only one? He's cheated on her!! She did not like it when I informed her that she was one of many. She was freaking out.

And when my fwh gave her the NC she cried that she gave him the best years of her life. She's sick.

I seem to be able to come to grips with all the other skanks but this one just

baffles me. What a loser. For the life of me I don't get this.

Answer in my case ... OW was, and will always be, a sociopath.

I give 'it' no headspace as those of us with conscience can never understand the sociopath. Best to just avoid, maintain MC, and focus on present and future. Focus on the two of us and our family. Because that is what really matters.

The one interaction I had with X's OW is that it was/is a big contest for her. It's about ego and winning even though she is a mother, I have to wonder what kind. She thinks she can "save" a man who won't help himself and who will accept lies, manipulation and deceit on his part.

A few other local people who are BS's have a going theory that the ego feed the OW in their situations get from "stealing" a man away from his wife and family is a thrill or a rush.

ETA that yes, what I've gathered is that this OW is also rather immature and that she enjoyed the cat and mouse chase.

During false R, he did divulge that he stomped out routinely and she "always takes me back". So there is also the drama that some personalities thrive on, I think?

And there isn't guilt in that situation because it's about her. I imagine her to "compartmentalize" as much as X does and join the pity part he enjoys hosting.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 6:42 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]

The OW in my case was a 21 yo girl that i had met and trusted with my family and children- our babysitter. Once after she flipped a shit on my WH he shit talked her to me. Said she came on to him through games, she was insecure, she would bitch and fight at him at the drop of a hat, she was all drama and back and forth. She's a girl with severe daddy issues looking for something to play. She feeds on the drama to keep her life interesting and his attention and infatuation with her as an older man (probably her father's age). She doesn't give a shit about me or my children... just fulfilling her own selfish desires on a whim! Bottom line is there are tons of shitty and "broken" people. She shoved herself in his face- but he continued that crap for over a year. Can't put your trust in the world not to be a scummy place, you have to put your trust in your spouse to not pick up the crap and embrace it!

She shoved herself in his face- but he continued that crap for over a year. Can't put your trust in the world not to be a scummy place, you have to put your trust in your spouse to not pick up the crap and embrace it!

Isn't it the job of our spouse to protect us & our families from the low life elements in society?

I think Ow's reasoning evolved greatly. But the main thing was probably because she was fucked up.

My WH got to play the KISA. She was all messed up over her EX breaking up with her, drinking so much and cutting. Getting fed drinks in bars by guys who are trying to take advantage of her and my WH was her "protector". They were military so they had to be inconsicuous, but even with that said, he risked getting kicked out to visit her while she was in the mental hospital...

My WH says that he told her they we were separating at first. I think she may have believed that in the beginning....but...he was showing her pictures of me during my pregnancy. He had a secret FB that was plainly obvious it wasn't his real one and so on.

I believe that at first she believed him with the whole divorce thing, but as time went on, she had a harder time making herself believe him. All the while he is telling her that she is his soul mate and so on. I think she clung to him because he gave her attention. When she started to realize he was lying about being married, she tried to get pregnant and started talking about them getting married and ended up getting him to buy her a ring. This was all BEFORE dday.

WH boosted her up when she was wanting to kill herself...then when she realized I was there (unknowingly) on the other end of this tug of war rope, she started trying to chain him to her in as many ways as possible. Then, when she convinced herself that she had him right where she wanted him...she sat back with some popcorn and watched. I believe that she was the one pushing him to tell me so that we would separate. She was probably the reason dday happened...or atleast happened as early as it did considering they were in another country. By that time, it was just feeding her ego. "There was no way he would choose the "wife" even if she is pregnant. He's got me. I give him sex whenever he asks for it. He bought me a ring and now i'm pregnant too, so there." From the moment she found out she was pregnant, she was convinced it was a boy (probably because I was having a girl and she wanted to give him a boy). She started calling the kid by the first name my WH picked for it...then gave it my WH's middle name as his middle name. (More chains)

Then the whole taboo with it being Military and "we can't get caught" excitment.

Fucked up, childish, selfabsorbed, and lacking in self respect...and respect for everyone else. Oh, and let's not forget hurting two innocent (unborn) babies in the process.

This is the woman who, on DDay updated her FB status to "homewrecking is fun". Who, a month before dday, updated her twitter with "how can I love you so much when you aren't even mine to begin with". After the fall out on dday, she posted rants on FB about my sister and mom who were angry at her (and her skanky self) and her family (who saw nothing wrong with the situation and were happy that they found 'lurve').

Like I said, in the beginning, I do believe that she may have taken his words at face value when he said "me and my wife are going through a civil divorce...even though she got pregnant 2 months before I got stationed overseas." (Which would also mean she is stupid if she didn't give that a little thought) If she had dropped him when she learned he was lying about the divorce...then I would not have so much hate for her...but she did the opposite. She started tugging with all she had on that rope.