SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Crazynot - thanks for your reply. Yes, I am definitely already in that awful place of checking his electronics. A place I NEVER thought I'd be! And a place a really don't want to be. I don't want to feel like I have to check his electronics, etc. But right now that's where I am at. It sucks to have to be in this place. Something needs to change. Either he needs to man up and really try to do everything he can to help us R and heal and show that he is remorseful or I need to leave. His actions lately are making it a lot clearer to me which option it is most likely going to be.

My story is similar to yours. From the very beginning we had these issues and I ignored them, married him and here I am 20 years later on the verge of filing for divorce.

I believe that people can change. But they have to want it. I hope your BF goes to therapy with you and without you! People can turn their lives around! Good luck!

Thank you for your response Tawnie! I'm sorry that you are going through this now and on the verge of divorce. I'm sure it's really hard. Big hugs to you!

I too believe that people can change, but only if they really want it. My boyfriend still won't go IC but after a great therapy session for me today, I came over after and told him the only way I'd consider staying with him is if he did CC with me. He reluctantly agreed saying he doesn't want to break up so he will do it. And I finally got it out of him that he is scared and he thinks it's just going to be the counselor telling him it's all his fault and he does everything wrong. I explained to him a bit about therapy and told him it will not be with my current therapist. So I think he feels better now. I'm glad he is going to go. Now I just have to see if he puts in the work and tries.

He also bought the book the 5 languages of love today. So I think that's good.

First CC session set now for next Wednesday. So hopefully that will help me see if my boyfriend is truly remorseful and willing to do everything he can to change and help me heal/trust him again. I am still in limbo-land right now, but I think CC will help me make a decision on either breaking up with him or really being 100% committed to R with him. I am still unsure at the moment what I want, but I am working on figuring it all out.

It's hard to say yet whether he's getting it or not. Many WS's will put on a bit of a show (after first denying and then minimising) as a way to try to appease their betrayed partner - trying to deflect your attention (while building resentment for "being forced" to change). What you want is not some quick bandaid, but a long term solution - that is dependent consistency of action and demonstration of initiative in fixing the problems.

He may step up for real. He may not. It's too early to tell yet. Give yourself the time to find out the truth of the matter and to understand what it is that you want out of all of this.

Thank you for your reply SerJR. I know it is too early to tell if he is getting it or not. Honestly, I still don't think he quite gets it, but this past week I have at least for the first time seen some genuine effort to try to work on us. Although this could just be a part of the cycle you describe in your post.

I definitely don't want a bandaid. I don't believe in quick fixes. I know in my heart that the only way my relationship can survive is through hard work and long term commitment to working us. Like you said

that is dependent consistency of action and demonstration of initiative in fixing the problems.

I definitely agree with that. I hope my boyfriend steps up, but I will leave him if he doesn't. I am giving myself time to figure everything out though. I won't rush any of my decisions. I am still trying to figure everything out. I know I'll get there one day though. Thanks for your response! As you know I always think you have really great responses. :) I appreciate and value your outlook/advice.

I think that is a fantastic plan, megs

Thank you! :)