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To those of you who don't get what the vibes are I will give you some good examples

I totally agree but those seem very overt, nothing like I think of when I think of "vibes". Vibes need interpretation. Most of those were just flat out gross.

Many times people mistake being polite for flirting. That's how fine the line is. That's really all it takes. Oh she wasn't rude to me-she must want me! Just as easy as that.

Ummm, I'm sure if a guy asked me that, I'd assume he actually wanted advice on oil to fry it. Is that not possible? It also could mean he was testing the waters to see if she wanted more conversation, or wanted to flirt or whatever, but there is no way I see such an incident as "being hit on."

^^^ is why you won't cheat. You aren't out there looking for validation or ego strokes. If you are out there taking every comment like this as being hit on, and smiling and giggling in response, and engaging in further conversation because it makes you feel good, THAT is where the danger is.

Before I had kids, I would regularly go out for happy hour after work with coworkers. I would have a couple of drinks and get chatty when I'm tipsy. I would talk to just about anyone. It made me feel good to get the attention. And I could have gone home with just about anyone. I didn't, but those boundaries were still problematic KWIM?

Now, there are still times where things present themselves (albeit not nearly as often as I am now a SAHM with three young's kids), I get approached or checked out by men when I am out with the kids or in my workout clothes, and instead of feeling flattered (ok sometimes when I am covered in spit up and I haven't showered in a week, I feel a little flattered); but mostly I feel grossed out and end the interaction as fast as possible.

IMO the difference between opportunity and conversation is motive and perspective.

I just remembered some things that happened a couple of months ago at a holiday party. We get invited to a party every year…same crowd of couples from our town. I have recently lost a lot of weight, thanks to the Infidelity Diet , so I am looking different and for most of the other guests it's their first time seeing me like this. I can't believe the amount of ogling I got. It's not like these guys were checking out my brain or face or thought I was funny or something…it was absolutely because of the outfit I was wearing - yes I looked good, I'll admit it. They were checking out my top and bottom and it was pretty obvious. Their wives were all present - not standing right there but in attendance at the party. My husband was there. The husband hosting the party was telling me how "hot" and "sexy" I looked. SO INAPPROPRIATE. Mind you, everyone is drinking. I asked my own husband later if it bothered him at all that other guys were checking me out…he took it as a compliment. It made him feel good. This kind of stuff GROSSES ME OUT. It made me feel objectified and cheap.

Look, I am not better than anyone else. But I could easily see how someone who seeks validation could play into all of this, flirt a bit and pretty soon one thing leads to another and they are friending one another on FB and sending personal messages and then something gets started. So gross. People put the signs out and sometimes they get a response. It's like a tennis game.

I was one of the unattractive girls in high school. I lost a ton of weight and started taking care of myself in my early 20's. As a result I am awful at recognizing flirtatious behavior. After been ignored for so many years, I didn't know what to look for. If anything attention strangers give me is annoying.

Random guy: You are beautiful!

Me: Do I know you?

Random guy: Can I buy you a drink?

Me: No.

I also admit I caught the vibes from a former male co-worker who was interested in more than my work. I was correct. At a company event he asked me to go off alone with him when he saw me come out of another room at the venue. Told him no and called DH to let him know what happened. I was so creeped out because he is married too. He was a good looking guy but became so ugly and repulsive to me after that moment.

Women for example are told we are supposed to enjoy compliments from men. Even if it's cat calling or jeering from people in public. One girl actually called me a stuck up bitch for not liking it when a man yelled Nice Ass from his car when we were in a crosswalk. That is what I call negative attention and I won't have it.

still stings…nothing is wrong with not responding to objectification.

BeyondBreaking

I present myself as unavailable.

Sometimes it hurts my feelings that people who (I think) are less attractive than me, get hit on so much.. it hurts my self esteem (as ridiculous as that sounds)..

but my husband says the same thing you said... I don't present myself as available.... he also says I don't put myself into a position to be hit on... and that it has nothing to do with the fact that I think people must think that I'm super unattractive (hopefully that makes sense)

I have only been hit on a few times, EVER, that I am aware of...

[This message edited by lovehatelove at 3:33 AM, February 27th (Thursday)]

The time that I was hit on the most was when I was 5-6 months pregnant and had these massive pregnancy-inflated boobs. Never mind that there was an ill-tempered chunky slob attached to those things.

Honestly, I don't think strong, confident women are approached for affairs nearly as often as broken women who exude "low self esteem" vibes.

I remember a guy at my old work playfully making a pass at me. I shut him down so fast he asked me "What, are you a man-hater or something?" to which his co-worker replied "She doesn't hate men, she's MARRIED and you aren't her husband." I didn't know this guy, he just picked up what I was putting down: MARRIED vibes.

[This message edited by Want2help at 10:09 PM, February 27th (Thursday)]

Honestly, I don't think strong, confident women are approached for affairs nearly as often as broken women who exude "low self esteem" vibes.

I agree and disagree. I have a friend who is a drop dead gorgeous model type. Low self esteem. Married/taken man = get the fuck away in her opinion.She didn't think much of herself but learned to recognize men and women who had no interest in her as a person. Luckily she is learning to value herself more but never engaged in other people's relationships.

She called me in tears one night because while at a party a man chatted her up and she walked away because he was married. She was so insulted by his behavior. In her mind married equals do not mess with. But because she is so beautiful many people would label her as a slut. She wanted nothing to do with him.

@Stillstings, respectfully, I said they are more likely to be approached, I didn't say they were automatically going to engage in affairs.

Good for your friend, and I hope she finds and embraces her value.

I never got asked to dance at school dances, and rarely met anyone while out with friends in college. I was never the one the guys made a bee-line to, while my beautiful friend with low self esteem in college had to fight them off.

I am just not approachable, I guess. I am not unattractive, but I always wondered what that "thing" was that other girls had that I seemed to not exude.

That being said, I went to a concert in a large city with my H a few months back, and after being on the Infidelity Diet and wearing a cute skirt, I certainly did get more ogles that I normally would. (I likely wouldn't have dressed that way at home.) It was a weird feeling. Keep in mind, I am in my mid-40's, and it was totally new to me.

As for my H, he always maintained he had a big "Stop" sign on his forehead, and I believe he did - -at the gym, while traveling, and at work. Where he let his boundary down was with a family friend, because he thought she was trustworthy, and thought that because she was my friend, she was "like me." Ha. Turns out she had had a crush on him for years, and she nailed him when he/we hit a low spot last spring.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 11:08 PM, February 27th (Thursday)]

Just start saying things like this about your relationship/marriage.

"My husband doesn't like me very much."

"We just don't understand each other."

"The romance and sex seem gone."

"I wish I was prettier."

"We fight all the time."

The list goes on, you can say them to anyone, but the best people to say them to are the gossips. The guys who will help you cheat will come calling.

For me it was a lack of boundaries and physical opportunity. My BH was away for a long time. During that period there were a series of events that caused me to become very depressed. I must have literally reeked of slack boundaries and sadness. Unsurprisingly, I was approached.

I remember the exact moment I let the OM cross the line between a conversation between two adults and inappropriate flirting through text messages. My thoughts at that moment? That I liked the attention and I worried about upsetting him by telling him to back off. I tried a bit, I told him there was a line he mustn't cross but I didn't enforce that boundary in the way I should have done. How could I? I had no boundaries at all, with anyone.

Now I'm in IC and my boundaries are getting stronger every day. I'm a work in progress.

Thank you for this post... I thought I was odd... never been hit on, never even been chatted up, since I married at 20. I'm not model material, but I think attractive enough, only a couple of pounds heavier than I was at 20.... dress well, wear great shoes , wear makeup all the time... "what's wrong with me?" has crossed my mind.

I had my share of boyfriends as a teenager, no problem there, but since... nadda.. not even an inappropriate comment.

I think I must wear "married" as a cloak... step away from the married lady, repel all advances.

We've been married a long time, he's been gone for nearly half of it with his work, that's a lot of boundary keeping on my part. It just wouldn't even enter my consciousness to look for it, seek it, invite it, who needs that sort of drama and destruction?

So I'm not odd after all, that's good.

[This message edited by hard_yards at 4:57 AM, February 28th (Friday)]

If you have strong boundaries, men, for the most part, won't go there. There are way too many easy peasy options. I believe that people send off a vibe and act in such away that others know who has weak boundaries.

In one of his more candid moments, my WH confirmed to me that this is true. He told me that I simply don't notice when guys are interested in me. So I started to observe people around me and found it to be true. Granted, my going out alone is usually supermarkets and lunching with girl friends, but people watching reveals much. I once asked a girlfriend about it when we were talking about the number of people we know who have had affairs and what not. I asked her, "how come I never get approached (not that I want to be) and she told me "it's because your demeanour demands respect and you get it".

It's not about how attractive a person is, it's all about how much desperation a person gives off.

I agree with the main thought; i.e. about affair opportunities. But I often wonder about it in the more literal sense.

I mean, affairs take so much planning, worrying, schedule coordination, etc., I just don't understand why someone would ever take on that much extra work. Frankly, it seems exhausting. I barely have the mental capacity to keep my work schedule and my son's school schedule straight, I cannot possibly imagine trying to squeeze in time for another person in there.

Sad, that WS will effort into the affair and not their marriage, but apparently they can't let go of the BS so they decide to live a double life.

Some of the vibe things, that have been shared or down right creepy and some others.

The problem I believe starts in the mind.

Starts as a big "What If..."

1. So and So could meet my needs

2. So and So seems nice

3. So and So looks good.

Then the "What If" turns into Lets :Reach Out".

Then they start opening up about their private life and talking negatively about the marriage and everything. Then it gets real sick. Because who ever the AP is starts picking up on these signals and starts feeding them the self-esteem they want and sometimes, I believe the AP is aware of these weaknesses and just turns the Spouse out.

The Spouse and AP start communicating, and how are they communicating, they are communicating all the right things and avoiding the other parts of a real relationship, like avoiding problems.

How do they set this up...appearance, acting sad, acting happy to talk to others, doing things for others.

Then it just spirals out of control.

In the case of my wife, I think it was a combination of not low self esteem, but a way to fit in to a social group, and get some form of control/power over it. She requires to be the center of attention, and intention. I truly believe that it was a compulsion, not for sex, but for control.

To this day, her greatest fear is to be found out by her friends and family and not being the perfect person she pretends to be.

Ultimately, the bottom line is despite the risks and pain, they cheat because they think they can get away with it.

Work. If you don't have boundaries, and advertise or pursue.

It has to do with the code that we ourselves live by. Like I said, I had been hit on several times, but my code would not allow me to be disloyal to myself, my h, my friends, etc. Some of us either do not have a code to live by or just don't give a shit about it. H obviously didn't have either. He cheated with the wife of his best friend who was/is our neighbor.