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Glad I am on the right track Blakesteele. I have a lot of work to do to find me. My therapist says I have to find the real me that I want to be in amongst all the mess that created the current damaged me. Yes, that is what I meant when I said I am a mess. I am the product of a sad childhood. Even that is hard for me to say. I much prefer to tell myself to buck my idea up but she keeps pulling me up on that and telling me I have to face the pain. Easier said than done.

I agree isthereeveranend. Is think that innocent special has gone, it's all down to what we can rebuild now. at the moment it feels like we will never make a new special but I guess it's down to time. I never thought I would have come this far in a year so who knows what the future holds. It's scary not feeling confident about the future but I suppose I just have to stay on the rollercoaster and see what happens.

Thanks all.

I completely understand the soulmates/have each others back thing...I too thought that is what we were for 35 years...until dday 4 years ago. My H affair was with an old gf...he also had another A with her 20 years before the last one that I also found out 4 years ago. I don't think the same special is coming back but we can build a new one...from those old bricks. We were having a rught few years..well actually had been drifting apart about 8 years. When I think about it all, I can't help but wonder...what if he ended up with her...how does a person...a couple move on in life with someone else when every experience, every decision is influenced by your past with someone else...we have so many experiences so many good times and bad together, we built a life together...weathered storms, celebrated the joys of our children and grandchild. How does all that get dismissed by a a few years of rough times???

I just don't get it and never will, but my H said ILU this weekend and for the first time in four years, it really sounded genuine to me, so maybe there is hope. Hope for us all.

@blakesteele I had a lot of anger towards my parents when I was younger, though I would never dream of confronting them about it. But now, I see that they were broken too and did the best they could (or at least I try to see it). It's still good to have that information though, to facilitate healing. I see now that I am an adult and it's now my responsibility to give myself what I need and take my healing into my own hands. I'm definitely learning about having boundaries but also having compassion for others.

@olwen I'm just starting the journey too, and only now seeing how much pain is really there. I was the queen of denial for my own suffering. Even now H and I talk so much more, but I often have to come back and say something new about an old conversation because I realize that I was hiding my true feelings. I'm constantly having to check myself to see what I'm really feeling. Learning to stand up for myself has been really difficult. I've spent my whole life being the 'gentle' one who never gets upset. I don't scream and yell. I don't think that will ever be me, but I know now that I can be honest and stand my ground.

Thanks everyone,

I hope we can get some sort of special back. Like you say crossroads, an affair doesn't have to wipe out the whole marriage and all the memories. I hope we all find some sort of special again.

sadone - we are very similar. Well done on your progress, sometimes I don't even know what my feelings are.

It's sad we have so much to deal with.

I see now that I am an adult and it's now my responsibility to give myself what I need and take my healing into my own hands. I'm definitely learning about having boundaries but also having compassion for others.

(((Sadone29))) I totally hear you and this resonates as strongly as any one statement I have embraced since DD.

This idea that I AM an adult. I HAVE the ability to self-soothe and heal! And this does NOT mean buy a Ferrari or head to Vegas.....this is NOT a selfish realization or a "Its my time to shine" now moment. It is to attain healthy maturity in ways in which I had not before.

God help me.....for decades there was, many times, a scared little boy in me that was subconsciously influencing me.

Shocked me for a while.....fought western wild fires so I thought I was "all man".

Really quite humbling, this experience. Humbling is GOOD as it allows growth....but, still, it is nice to hear from others who have the same struggles.

Olwen....fantastic post....kinda grew in many directions. Thank you for the courage to post it and the patience to let it grow.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 3:39 PM, March 20th (Thursday)]

Bless you blakesteele, glad everyone found it useful

Blakesteele, I so understand about the scared little child inside! I don't know if being the youngest in my family influenced this, but I always felt like I wasn't an adult; like I was missing something. I went from living really recklessly to becoming rigidly responsible in a very short amount of time. Obviously I think it's good that I did that before my kids were born, but now I'm wondering if I need to deal with things I pretended weren't there.

For Olwen and anyone else interested, there are a few great speakers on youtube about codependency. I watched one last night called The 4 Stages of Codependent Recover by Ross Rosenberg. It explains why I'm having such a difficult time during this stage of learning to set boundaries. He likens it to getting off of a drug, which makes total sense to me now that I hear it. It is so difficult to actually go through with setting healthy boundaries. I want to run away and hide where I'm comfortable. I want to appease everyone around me and I have to fight those feelings of guilt just for speaking up. But I'm starting to see why this also isn't good for those in my life either.