SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm sorry to hear this.

Thinking of you and Teslet today. Hoping things are calming down and that Teslen is strong for you both. Wishing you peace my friend.

((tesla and teslet)) What an awful mess. Hoping for some peace for you and teslet once he's back with you.

Are you OK? Is your brother a free man? I know I wouldn't be if someone was treating one of my sisters like that.

I can't think of an appropriate adjective for exshat... what's asshole times 1,000,000? I'm literally seeing red for you. The conversation you had with teslet made my heart burst. When he is older he will respect the hell out of you. When we grow up we look back on our childhood with new eyes - we see that the adults who complained to us and dragged us into the middle of their issues were selfish and immature. He will see that someday, I promise.

(((Tesla and Teslet)))

I COMPLETELY disagree that exshat is doing this because Tesla is pursuing him for monies or insisting on adhering strictly to the guidelines. He would be pulling this shit anyway.

I recall a time well before he stopped paying where Tesla was being flexible with visitation and all it did was cause further angst. I recall him not showing up to pick Teslet up. Terrible, damaging stuff.

He is not paying because he thinks he is above the law. He is pulling fuckery with visitation and mindfucking Teslet to goad Tesla, not to see his son or for his sons benefit.

Tesla, I can only imagine how you're feeling right now with Teslet going away for a month and the shit he is going to be put through in an effort towards parental alienation. I want you to know I support you 100% in this and that I think you are handling this all extraordinarily well. You are an inspiration to me and many others.

You have no control over what exshat pulls on Teslet no matter what you do or don't do. I know this is a great source of agony for you as it is to many of us watching our kids being pulled through the ringer in similar ways. Please do not blame yourself for any of this. ANY OF IT.

((Tesla)) I feel your agony. I really do. I know it is little comfort but I want to let you know.

What SBB said ((Tesla & Teslet))

h0peless -- my bro was awesome...he locked down the house and thought of all kinds of things that I hadn't. He wanted to be present to tell ex-shat to fuck off...but I nixed that. Teslen would love nothing more than to pummel the shit out of ex-shat.

gonna-- you are absolutely right, I should not have told Teslet that I would read him the rules. I regretted that as soon as I said that and I walked that one back.

ajsmom -- I've thought long and hard about your post. Every issue is the hill that ex-shat is going to die on. Whenever his wants/requests are met with a reasonable 'no,' he throws a temper tantrum. Whenever his wants/requests are met with a reasonable alternative, he throws a temper tantrum. Whenever it is suggested that he get an opinion from his lawyer or take a look at the guidelines, he throws a temper tantrum. And yeah, the manner in which he escalates is cringe worthy. I don't think the manner in which I'm trying to deal with him is. BUt the tug of war between us is most certainly affecting Teslet. And you are right, that needs to stop. Tell me how. I have a notebook full of entries where Teslet comes and asks me about something dad said: "Why don't you let dad pick me up from daycare?...Dad says he gets me this weekend...Dad says that you don't know what you are talking about...Stripper whore says you are mean because you didn't let dad come help build the swingset in the backyard...dad says he wants me to live with him forever..." and on and on. I'm a teacher, I live for building critical thinking and reasoning skills...I can't reason with ex-shat, but I can give teslet the tools and information to draw his own conclusions. He is hyper-empathetic, he's pretty intuitive...I don't know what else to do other than this.

Could I just let ex-shat do his thing to keep him calm so Teslet isn't in the middle...sure and I feel like that's what I used to do and I don't feel like there is much of a difference in ex-shat's behavior.

But with you post in mind, when he sent me this yesterday morning:

Summer visitation scheduling is decided by me, not you. You are in violation as you often are. But you are correct, this will be an issue for our lawyers.

And how dare you interfere with my son's private communications and coach him what to say.

I responded with this:

Teslet often comes and asks me questions. I respond the best I can in age appropriate terms, as he is an intelligent and intuitive child. He loves you and he loves me. He is trying to make sense of our conflict. I will tell you what I told him and if we can present a united front on this in regards to him as we settle our differences, I think that would be a win for Teslet.

I asked him if he has ever had an argument with a friend. He said yes. I asked him if he had to get help to 'fix' the argument. he said yes, he got help from the teacher. I told him that you and I are having an argument and we both think we are right. But it might be one of us is wrong or it might be both of us is wrong. I told him when grown ups argue they can ask a judge for help 'fixing' the argument. I told him that when the judge tells us we are wrong, that we will listen and follow the rules the judge gives us. I promised Teslet that I would answer any questions he ever asks of me but I also promised him I would not be talking about our argument with him. I sincerely hope this helps and that we can get our matters settled through our lawyers going forward.

And here is his response

Except that you deliberately use him as a pawn in your games while I make a point as my father had with me, to never say a bad word about his mother. You are without conscience, a fantastic liar, and have taken advantage of my ignorance of the guidelines time and again.

He is a guy that wants what he wants and he wants it now. With this type of person, Teslet is always going to be in the middle because his dad will need Teslet's validation. As Teslet asserts his independence, free-will and attempts to become his own person, ex-shat will rail more because he will believe that my evil influence is tearing his son away from him since in his mind, Teslet is just an extension of himself.

When ex-shat came last night to pick him up, I stood in the doorway and watched my kiddo leave. As ex-shat pulled out of the drive, he flipped me off. And I laughed, because it's something one of my students would do to me.

In regards to the emails he sent yesterday

......Projection at it's finest.

Ex-shat is a terrible person.

What an awful day. ((Tesla & teslet))

...have taken advantage of my ignorance of the guidelines time and again.

Then read over the guidelines, you stupid douchebag!

I had no idea that you were the only one who had a copy of the guidelines, tesla. Stop being so mean and share them with the ex-shat! No wonder the poor widdle muffin is having such a hard time; you won't share those Top Secret Guidelines with him!

His stupidity is astounding. I'm so sorry. If you need to get away for a while, you know where to find me.

(((tesla and teslet)))

Gotta add:

" [you] have taken advantage of my ignorance of the guidelines time and again. "

What an idiotic thing to put into an email to try to *use* against you.

He admits that he's ignorant of the guidelines.....but instead of shutting up, reading the guidelines, and figuring it out for himself (like most adults are EXPECTED to do)....he's pissed at you about it. Typical.

He's never going to be reasonable so just continue to do what you're doing. You also now have proof that all he wants to do is bash you instead of having a mature discussion so back to NC and not *explaining* yourself to him. I think if you keep explaining yourself to him that he'll just get worse because I think that he KNOWS you're the better parent to Teslet and is jealous of your brain and the healthy way that you handle things in regards to Teslet.

I am wondering what the lawyers are making of this current escalation. I can't imagine that ex shat's lawyer is encouraging this type of behavior. Any word from your attorney about all of this? And when is the 4 way rescheduled for? If court has been pushed to June 30th and ex shat is "camping/vacationing" for this month with Teslet, when will he be "available" for this 4 way? I just see bad going to worse for this situation

He is a guy that wants what he wants and he wants it now. With this type of person, Teslet is always going to be in the middle because his dad will need Teslet's validation. As Teslet asserts his independence, free-will and attempts to become his own person, ex-shat will rail more because he will believe that my evil influence is tearing his son away from him since in his mind, Teslet is just an extension of himself.

This. Exactly this. I read and reread AJMs post because it caused a reaction in me. It wasn't anger or outrage - it was hope (maybe I'm missing a solution that really is so simple because I'm just too close to it?), followed by great sadness.

Sadness because I know that no matter what I do or don't do these girls will be used to validate and justify this life he is living and as a salve to the innate and all encompassing self loathing he has carried with him his entire life. That it impacts me is a pleasant by-product for him but not the goal. If I were to fall off the face of the earth and cease to be a motivator it would continue.

I don't know that he was born with it. I believe his mother did the same to him as he is doing to my girls. His father did fall off the face of the earth so she didn't have that motivator. She still did it. Someone did it to her, and so on. It is how they love.

My girls have me. Teslet has you. That is the only real hope we have that they won't be similarly damaged. Our unspoken fear.

OMG, this so resonates that I have to chime in.

TA74 is right that you need to start sharing those rules! No wonder he is having such difficulty!

Gonna hit it on the head: projection at it's finest. She's also right that you need to go back to NC. He is feeding off your communications and becoming VERY fat (in the head, at least) indeed. It tends to fill him with delusions of grandeur, or at least the delusions of sanity and intelligence and feeling like he can match you and go one better. He SO wants to be like you but hasn't the slightest idea how, so has to convince himself, then Teslet, that he *has* this, then confidently tells you. You used to fall for it before you found him out (just as I did), so he's used to "straightening you out" on your thinking.

And, to IrishLass's point about his L's advice, we are *assuming* he has a L who practices on the up-and-up. I hope so because he sooo needs a 2x4 in that regard. But this is why this resonates: xpos has a L who is well known for dragging every case out as long as possible and making it cost as much as possible. He has sued me twice since the D and been told by the judge that he was wrong both times. My L said both times that if they has read the D decree, they should never have gone to court because the answer was right there. The judge was wrong to hear either. HE should have given both of them a 2x4. I'm just afraid ex-shat found his clone as a L in his area but I hope not. Sadly, they are out there.

(((((Hugs))))) to Tesla and Teslen being left to miss Teslet and worry about the fuckery he will endure for a solid month. HUGE hugs for poor little Teslet. I hate what is being done to him in all of this.

Tesla, I do not know how you DO IT with this asshole! I am seeing red just from the exchanges you have shared. I cannot imagine the shit you DON'T share.

One thing is clear. In all of your communications you remain calm, level headed, non confrontational.

This sends him into a rage, as his communications become a shittier twist down this wormhole that only he can make sense of. I know I don't have to tell you to document his assclownery, and I can't wait to hear what your L and what the judge say.

Your ex-shat reminds me of my father. He was a giant fucking douche, who bad mouthed my mother as a "crazy bitch who doesn't know what she's talking about" during the few and far between times he actually exercised his visitation.

When the reality was he just couldn't stand to not be right. It was both a source of peace and pain when he stepped out of my childhood/preteen/teen years. It was peaceful because I didn't have to defend my mother during visits, or be ignored in favor of the flavor of the week-----but it was painful because I was a kid who loved her dad, and didn't understand why he didn't love her back.

My wish is that ex-shat opens his fucking eyes and for once puts Teslet first. The reality is he isn't going to, so my second wish is that Teslet quickly learns that dad is a blowhard with a rage boner for attacking mom---and he learns to file that under "stuff that doesn't matter" because mom is the constant, stable presence in his life.

It's so amazing of you to provide the home in which he is allowed to love BOTH of his parents without feeling guilty for it. My heart just breaks thinking of what ex-shat and stripper whore must say about you, that he has to internalize because to defend mom would risk dad pulling away or to his child's mind "dad won't love me if he knows I love mom, too"

What is so hard about these douchebags remembering that their children were created during a time when there was love present?? That their children are half of both parents??

I just know how much it hurts to know that a parent hates half of what makes "you", you. I wish these assholes could step out of their "Me me me me all the fucking time me" fog and really look at their kids. And understand that every time they bash the other parent they are bashing THEIR CHILD, TOO.

I'm sorry I got all ranty on your post, Tesla.

If I ever saw your ex-shat I'd punch him in the dick and then in the throat.

Fuck. That. Guy.

(((tesla)))

I understand.

I will say that I believe the communication is feeding asshat. Every reasonable response you write is ego kibble and it is at this point fueling his rage that you are reasonable and calm, and winning. Stop answering his drivel.

I am not suggesting you stop fighting. I am saying fight using the L, using the court, using the agreement to prevent him taking visitation or advantage that is not his to take, but take YOU out of proving it to him. Let the consequences hit him without your warning or explanation or citing the agreement.

Send only what you must, such as defining his time when he failed to do so. And then go silent.

I see the communication as a tug of war. You need to let go and let him fall on his ass!!!

I pray that consequences are coming for him. I ache for you and the trials you are going through. It brings back memories of nastiness that was spewed at me and the times I did not know where my kids were and the fear and the helpless feeling. I will say, hang in there and if you can find a way to cut off his enjoyment of tormenting you, even through teslet, by giving no evident response (even a reasonable email!) maybe he will give up this game and find one that amuses him more.

I am grateful to the neighbor who called 911. Talk to a domestic abuse counselor. What you are enduring and what teslet is enduring right now is abuse. They may have suggestions or resources for you.

HUGS, my friend.

I will say that I believe the communication is feeding asshat. Every reasonable response you write is ego kibble and it is at this point fueling his rage that you are reasonable and calm, and winning. Stop answering his drivel.

I am not suggesting you stop fighting. I am saying fight using the L, using the court, using the agreement to prevent him taking visitation or advantage that is not his to take, but take YOU out of proving it to him. Let the consequences hit him without your warning or explanation or citing the agreement.

((Tesla and Teslet))

This is a ridiculous situation and he's a complete idiot and then some, and you've handled it all incredibly well - but I think caregiver's right - it has become a communication tug of war, and for your own sanity - let go of the rope.

As for the next month, attempt your phone calls, if there is no answer or response, document it. Pick him up for your weekly visit, and is the weekend still in dispute, or was that worked out by the L's?

Thinking of you today Tesla. ((Hugs))

As an aside, my favorite part was you explaining the story you told Teslet in child terms, and me thinking, "Oh, this may actually get through to exshat because it's in terms he can understand."

Tesla, Teslet is so blessed to have you as his mom. Never forget that. You are a shining example to all of us on how to speak appropriately to young children.

I am thinking of you today.

I'm sorry... He flipped you off? In front of your son????

How the hell did he explain this to the kid? WTF what a jerkoff.