Ha! I just realized that the thread actually played out the aspects of their argument. We are talking about two different things here. First, the need to communicate effectively in the relationship and second, the emotional turmoil of the BS early after DDay and their right(?) to express it openly and have it be well received. I ascribe to both. In the end if a BSs goal is to communicate effectively and avoid more pain there are difficult and seemingly unfair decisions and choices to be made with regard to communication. This situation happens to most of us. Simply put, the WS was not in a good space to receive the emotions of the BS and even said so. The BS was overwhelmed and pushed the issue, resulting in painful responses between both of them. That just "is" what happened free from value judgments. If you add a the emotions, context, and history then simple statements take on greater meaning, leading to even more intense emotional responses.
Should the WS respond favorably every time the BS has a thought or feeling to share in response to the trauma they are navigating? Absolutely. But is that realistic, especially so early on? Probably usually not.
Should the WS, as a partner in a relationship in R be able to declare that they are not in a good space for a difficult discussion? Of course they should. Are they meeting the needs of their WS when they do? No. When we were struggling with this it helped to have my WS tell me she would be better able to talk the next day.
There is so much understandable venom and anger expressed by the BSs on this thread. I get it. I have it too. In our case my WS suffered from not sharing her needs, thoughts or feelings. When she was not in a good space it was extremely difficult for me, but I had to remember that she was doing something new by recognizing it and sharing it. This situation may be different, but I would bet money that most if the relationship issues before the As were due in large part to breakdowns on effective communication.
I'm sorry that his inability to meet your needs has led to using the 180. However, I think that will be extremely helpful for you. I remember it teaching me that I could fulfill my own needs when overwhelmed with emotions instead of placing demands on my WS. It will help you regardless of his ability to come back to R offering everything you need.
R is a gift. One that we give ourselves in honor of the relationship potential we see in each other following this traumatic experience. Based on your other posts, he hadn't proven that potential yet, but rest assured it is something that happened to both of you. Separation and D are also gifts we can give ourselves based on the potential of the relationship. You don't deserve any more pain from him, and I'm happy to see you honoring yourself in that way be embracing the 180.
And mozzchops, that SAME thing happened to me! I was flabbergasted that because I was in an insecure place AND voiced it she accused ME of rejection. I wanted to scream, "you don't know what rejection is until someone who professed to love, care, and protect you used their phone to f$&k your close friend and do it in front of you while rejecting your need for intimacy while you battle depression!" I didn't say that, of course, but it did turn I to a few week discussion. Ultimately I think our WSs are constantly afraid we will reject them and leave. They are feeling unworthy, disgusting and shameful. It's probably difficult to vulnerably seek intimacy from us, so when we aren't in that space it creates overwhelming fears. It doesn't make it ok, as they should work on that and gains healthier perspective. Man it was a mindf$&k thoughts have WS accuse me of rejection at all. So difficult not to bite. It was one of the few things I left alone and proceeded calmly later.
