SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How are you today?

If I could go back in time I would have clearly laid out my expectations. My WH started talking way back in the day on yahoo messanger, moved on to email accounts(secret ones), moved to facebook, cell phone messaging, then craiglist. Point here.... It was a progression but sure enough it progressed from looking to talking/joking/flirting to actual ONS's and even paid services. I am still in shock since I couldn't have imagined this coming.

I would also caution you that your instincts are in tact, there is a reason you loooked and there is a reason you are reading this now. I advise you to proceed with caution and keep your eyes open. Start setting the boundaries that work for both of you.

I think ALL your answers lie in that tablet. He probably has secret email accounts and apps where he can communicate with other people that don't show up on your phone bill or on Facebook. I think ALL his secrets lie in that tablet.

Tipping him off by confronting him is going to lose you ALL that evidence. One you show him your hand - that you're onto his secretive behavior - he's going to go hog wild deleting EVERYTHING, or at least hiding it so well you'd never be able to find it.

Don't tip your hand just yet!!!! Let him fall asleep and then grab that tablet and spend the night going through it with a fine tooth comb.

Unfortunately, I think you're going to find a lot of things you're not going to like.

Lastly, I was with a cheating snake for 3 years who guarded his phone with his life and often brought it to the bathroom with him. Who the hell DOES that? The only time I could see a phone being brought into the bathroom was maybe 15 years ago when guys commonly bought leather phone holders that strapped to their belts and they carried their phones that way . But people don't DO that anymore and they certainly don't do it with tablets.

If you confront too soon, you're just giving him the opportunity to get rid of all the evidence.

Well, he already knew something was up before he came home (hence why he called twice from work) either because my FB was deleted or because he couldn't see my friend's since I deleted her from his friends list. He got home from work and kept asking what's wrong, so I sat him down and asked him are you happy in the marriage, are you happy with me, etc. He swore up and down that he was, blah, blah, blah. So I told him I knew what he's been doing on FB and I went through and listed all the times and dates. He made up a couple of lame ass excuses at first but I told him I wasn't born yesterday and there is only one reason for him to be doing what he was doing.

He kept saying he was sorry, he didn't cheat, he loved me. I explained that even if he didn't cheat, there are other behaviors that are hurtful and deceitful, and that he crossed boundaries. He admitted that he thought she was pretty but then he said he wasn't attracted to her. He said that looking at the facebook pages had become a routine and that there was nothing sexual going on, especially while he is at work.

He gave me access to his tablet which of course had been wiped (probably before he came home since he knew something was wrong). But I was able to go into the app manager from my laptop and I could see all the apps that have been downloaded even if they are no longer on the tablet and there was nothing suspect. I mean, really, if someone wants to hide something there are so many ways, so I'm not really putting much thought into any of that right now. He did offer me access to his email, work email, and phone and I let it go since I already have access and have checked and didn't want to show interest in it so I could keep checking it privately.

We discussed the issues we have been having in the marriage and the disconnect and have agreed to work on them. Step 1 is forgetting FB and focusing on each other. He deactivated his FB in front of me and agreed to stay off of it (don't worry I screen captured the search timeline beforehand). He's been really apologetic and remorseful since last night. I do believe this became almost like an obsession for him, although I'm not sure why the hell it had to be my friend. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on Monday so I'm hoping to get some insight into some of my own issues and some of the marriage issues. So we shall see how it all goes. At this point the only thing I know for certain is that FB can lead to nothing good. At best, it makes it too easy to obsess over others and their lives and compare it to yours. At worst, it is a conduit to cheat and other deceitful behaviors. Thank you all so much for your advice and caring, I can't tell you how immensely helpful it has been to know I'm not crazy and my feelings were justified.

ETA: I asked him if he realized that this forever changed my friendship with someone I've known for 20 years as I would never be able to look at her quite the same way and he said he honestly didn't think about any of that, he was so sorry, etc. I told him what was most concerning to me is that for the past at least 6 months not once did it cross his mind that maybe his wife wouldn't be too happy with his behavior. He just kept apologizing and saying he screwed up. Well, no sh*t.

[This message edited by needhelp19 at 8:19 AM, July 3rd (Thursday)]

Like you said...He knew something was up because he couldn't look at your friend on Facebook anymore.

If this was truly nothing, he should have come home and told you..hey I know you.know I've been looking at your friend...but he didn't. He waited to see exactly what you knew and how your knew it before he said anything.

And his tablet had been wiped clean. You can bet his email accounts have been scrubbed as well.

I hope there's nothing more to this. Keep your eyes open.

Other than telling you this was just routine, did give any other explanation? Who are the other two women?

Facebook doesn't make people cheat or ross boundaries. Facebook is just a tool. The fault lies with the individual.

[This message edited by confused615 at 9:23 AM, July 3rd (Thursday)]

Yeah, the tablet unfortunately held all your answers and he got rid of that before you could see it.

However, he doesn't needs apps or anything special to access secret email accounts - which he could use to register secret facebook accounts and dating site profiles and hookup site accounts and what not.

All you need is one secret email account to register everything in, and you're good to go. If he has a secret email on Gmail or Yahoo or Hotmail (or any of the millions of other places that allow you to have a free email account) I'm sure he wiped all tracks to that web page before he showed you his tablet. I'm equally sure he deleted all his stored logins and passwords to any accounts he didn't want you to find.

Guys like this will tow the line for a while after they're caught, being a shining example of the perfect husband and following all the rules. Then eventually, they retreat right back to their old behavior once the dust settles and the heat dies down. I have so been there and so done that.

Stay diligent. There's a lot more to this story.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 9:32 AM, July 3rd (Thursday)]

I just thought of something..

A few years ago my FWW received 2 dozen red roses at work. She thought they were from me so she got all excited and looked at the card. It was from someone who had been stalking/obsessing over her for months. He was the father of one of the kids at DS Daycare.

He never said ONE word to her before this and she never noticed any odd behavior.

Obviously she freaked out and called me. I called his W and she was absolutely incredulous. But on further investigation she also found he had become increasingly infatuated and FB searching my W.

Eventually he tipped and started actively pursuing my wife. We ended up getting a restraining order and what-not but overall it was pretty messed up for about a year. What was also interesting is that my DD was friends with his DD and when she visited their house he always asked about my W.

My point to you is, it very well may not be an affair. But your WH level of obsession is unhealthy. Please insist he visits a psychatrist.

I agree completely, there are quite a few red flags and things that don't sit well with me regardless of his response. So I'm going to wait and watch like a hawk. I don't like that his tablet was scrubbed and I said something to him along the lines of "It's been wiped clean, I knew you were going to do that anyway." I've been cheated on in just about every relationship I've ever been in and he can't bullsh*t me anymore than any of the ones who came before him did. Plus I've been doing a lot of reading on SI, and he repeated some of the same lines I've seen in other posts. All of this is pretty concerning to me.

I'm feeling very numb today and I just don't trust him. The fact that he didn't consider my feelings at all while checking out my friend is so alarming to me I don't even know how to properly handle those emotions. Where do his boundaries end? Where is his consideration for his wife? I would never do something like this to him, and it's just unacceptable to me. I almost feel like he was emotionally cheating. He may not have acted on his impulses, but his thoughts were elsewhere and he was capable of diverting his attention so frequently from me to my friend - even if only online. And to hear him say he thought she was pretty, but he wasn't attracted to her, I mean come on, if you weren't attracted, you wouldn't have been looking so often. That's pretty much a knife in the heart.

The other two girls are one that he hung out with when he was in college, way before I ever knew him. They apparently haven't talked in years, but he checks her profile frequently. The other one is a girl he knew from the gym a few years back and he also doesn't talk to her, just checks her profile. He claims he doesn't know why he does it. To me that is a cop out. So I guess it's wait and see from here.

He admitted that he thought she was pretty but then he said he wasn't attracted to her.

I'm sorry. This is bullshit.

I went through similar with my husband frequently google image searching the girl who handled his payroll two years ago. After I found some inappropriate communication (he basically asked her out) and confronted him about it without revealing my sources, he told me that he had "a tiny little crush" on her but he wasn't attracted to her and loved me. Thereafter, I watched him lie about how he couldn't even remember what her face looked like (an hour after he looked at her linked in profile with a full shot of her face in it). And texting her and emailing her (he had no idea I had access to his phone bill and email account). It was bullshit. He was so fixated on this girl. Yeah right he'd do all that if he wasn't attracted to her.

They always lie and minimize. At the very least he's fixated on her and fantasizing. I'm really sorry.

I've been cheated on in just about every relationship I've ever been in

Might I recommend IC. For some reason you keep looking at the same people in your relationships. Trying to earn the love of a parent?

I only ask, because this is what I did. Not with my BS but my chosen APs. Something I think you should dig into. May turn out to be nothing. But I am reading a pattern.

I almost feel like he was emotionally cheating.

Well he was. That's exactly what it was.

After my FWW finally came clean about her second EA/PA it became clear that she had a huge crush on OM#2.

I called it a ONE WAY EA. She admits once thinking about getting back on birth control (I'm snipped) WAY before they even started communicating. And she struggled during sex with me because he was on her mind, once leading to tears. She now admits she was off her rocker and any reasonable person would think she was psycho.

I can't help but think if you give your WH another chance, you will have to loose your friend.

JanaGreen- you are exactly right. That's why I told him I'm not buying his BS excuses. I know exactly what he did and why. He's definitely worried about the long term effects this will have on our marriage and he should because as you pointed out, it obviously leads to other things. Just how far was he willing to take this infatuation?

DrJekyll- You are so right :) I have an appt. with a psychiatrist on Monday. I have a pattern of behaviors that are self-destructive and I need to find a way to love myself and stop searching for love in other people.

MindMonkey- Totally agree- that is how I am starting to see it too. It was a one way EA. Instead of coming to me and either communicating or trying to be involved with me, he was putting his focus on three other girls, including my friend. Unacceptable. I did tell him last night that now I was going to have to choose him or my friend cause I could never deal with having her over while he was around and he pulled the whole "I'll leave if you want her to come over" "It's not fair to her, you've known her longer than me" etc. etc. I said that I knew it wasn't fair but he put me in a very awkward position because I could never face her and be dishonest...unlike him. I really drove it home that not only had he hurt me, but he just cost me one of my long time friends because my friendship could never be the same.

He's never cheated and I don't think he would,

None of us think they would. And look where we all are. Protect yourself. See if he will read "Not Just Friends" - does he have any ideas how creepy his actions are? HE needs to be in IC - with someone who will call him on his inappropriate thoughts/actions. He was only a heartbeat away from physically cheating. He cheated in his heart already.

((hugs)) to you.

Take a deep breath. You won't find anything out in the next couple weeks, so try to play it really cool. Act like you believe him.

WHat I have learned in the last 2 years on SI is what do you THINK vs what do you KNOW. You do not KNOW anything yet.

He could have pages opened simulatenously, and IMing one of the other women.

He could be IMing her thru facebook.

He could be looking at her just like he says.

I am speaking from experience. I fell apart ou think she's not but you don't KNOW anything at this point. It's possible he had her page up because they were messaging each other thru fb, then deleting the messages.

My x friend is cute, 10 years younger than my XWH. They were talking, texting, etc behind my back. I confided in her and everything. We all hung out together because I later learned they wanted to be together, so they had us all hang out. It's possible he wants you to be friends with her so she can tell him if you are still suspicious. But maybe not... My XWH and Xfriend were texting 200 times a day I later when I subpoenaed his phone records during our divorce - a year and 1/2 since they first started it all. Texting while I was in the next room! He was texting OW while he was with her H on a camping trip!

Take this one step at a time.

In the mean time, research to find out if there is a program to retrieve everything ever on an IPad.

You can upgrade your membership and go on the Investigative forum on this website and ask others.

Don't end the friendship yet. She may be in on this,(maybe not) and for now you need to keep your friends close but your enemies closer until you know more.