SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I sent you a PM

TT, apology accepted. Just in such a weird space in my head and no room for what you were suggesting. Thanks for having my back. I handle all the finances and paperwork in our house, of course, with the huge exceptions being his personal bank account, amex card, business landline(he rents an office in town--been this way since our 21-year old was eighteen months..to distracting to work out of the house at that point), and his business cellphone. He doesn't have much wiggle room to spend without me seeing it on the household side. As for the business side, he states when he knew that expenses were going to increase, he alerted his boss. Granted, I don't believe his boss knew it was going to be just One Person from the client side (my husband deals with about 10-15 people employed by this client) driving the increase. POW has very expensive tastes...

While I'm waiting for the VAR, what is your opinion on this? I forgot to mention that I think the POW was/is interested in the man I mentioned in my first post on this thread. He is single and a coworker of hers. I remember when all this started for me back in 2012 (!!) and I started trickle-questioning my husband (i know, I know...I made classic mistakes regarding fact-seeking), he mentioned that POW's boss was trying to involve my husband in an internal complaint against the guy for sexual harassment. The POW had casually mentioned to my husband and her boss that the guy had made inappropriate comments to her; guess her plan backfired, because when the boss heard she (the boss) was really gunning for the guy and the POW backed down in a hurry. Long story short, could she be using my husband as a foil to cloak her attraction to the other guy? Or am I just grasping at straws to avoid becoming a full-fledged member of SI?

BH, I could really use your insight as POW sounds like she may share traits that your FWW used to have?

Honestly, there is NO doubt something is going on. I would stop wasting your time and energy on trying to figure out if something is going on, and shift your resources to trying to figure out how you will find out more, if you need to find out more, and what you plan to do once you find out. you won't get the truth from him. So don't tip your hat in that direction and waste that time. You have to figure it out on your own, hire someone to do it for you, or start heading in the direction of the OW and her spouse if she has one. The latter could blow it out if the water, but you might never find out the truth. Even though your facts will make it hard to find him out, if you put your mind to it and stay diligent and patient, you will find what you need. And I almost guarantee you will find something out on this OW---and I'm sorry to say that you will likely find out more than what you are looking for. This is probably not his first and only time, based on your descriptions of him. He sounds a little to pompous, entitled and secretive, and that doesn't happen over night. Add to that the massive opportunities and being able to hide behind covered up financials---it's a perfect scenario for a man like him.

I just want to say:

1: Listen to your gut.

2: MY gut says that in your situation this is not right at all. Do not trust this man.

3: Act now. Do not make my mistake and say:'I will not stoop to his level. I will not be sneaky. I am better than that.' No You need to be sneaky. You need to be assertive in your attempts to find the truth. Your gut, I suspect, is screaming out to you to do so. Listen to it!

Good luck.

PS - that change in behaviour - taking his Amex(?) statements are a big red flag to me. As well as that inappropriate statement from that woman. Totally not cool.

Good luck.

How are things, Shero?

Oh, TS68, thank you for checking up on me. Weekend was full of family stuff. I did put the VAR in his car yesterday...felt like an ass doing it. Will wait a week to retrieve. Don't think I will find much as he has a stand-alone office (he's outside sales). Meanwhile I have been doing a lot of soul-searching and reflecting on the past. You know, "How did we get here" kind of stuff.

I was hoping to respond to all the kind posters tomorrow, as my daughter (15) will be gone, but my husband will be working from home. I hate posting from my ipad.

How are you doing? I read your post about the $100 bills and almost choked. My husband used to be the guy who could never get to the atm, so was always taking money from my wallet (in my purse). Kind of bugged me, but no biggie. BUT, last summer he started to make atm withdrawals. I thought, yay, no more lazy husband :). And maybe because he was passing cash to our boys (he is more of a soft touch than I in that respect); but now, I wonder if he was spending it on "she, who shall not be named".

He called her a "passing interest"?

If I was you and wanted to confront...state the facts that you know that make you suspect an A.

The fact that he deflects it all onto you about "bullying" him into giving it, screams LTA to me. LTA, because of how long you have felt the "off" feeling and his spending habit.

Why haven't you been included in any of these "dinners"?

She is not after the other man. She is most likely having an A with your man. She probably sees him as a Knight In Shining Armor to protect her from the "sexual harassment" other man. Your husband is wineing and dining her. Charming her.

So sorry you are here. I hope you get your proof soon. There is nothing worse than knowing but not knowing.

I would not confrotn him again yet. Ithink it is almost always better NOT to confront until you are 100% sure that there is definitely an inappropriate relationship - and even then. Spouses who know or suspect that you have begun to realize what's going on will frequently say anything to throw you off the trail and make you think you've imagined it. And then they'll be more careful about covering their tracks, and thus make it more difficult to find out the truth. Or the whole truth.

[This message edited by Cally60 at 7:27 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]

The var in the car for a week? Are you sure it has that long of a charge? Also you might not be able to differentiate what day he said what.

Just a thought...

Cally60, i think it's too late for that. I have trickle-questioned and he has trickle-truthed since 2012. I suspect, if anything is going on (he still denies...blaming all of it on corporate culture and her ethnic culture), it is now underground. Thanks for the advice, anyway, hope someone reads it that hasn't already confronted.

TS68, it says it can be on standby for 25 days. Didn't think about not being able to tell which day. I'm not in his car much, thought it would look weird if all of a sudden I'm in there everyday.

hopefulmother,

Q: "He called her a "passing interest"?"

A: I thought that was an interesting choice of words, too. He said it in a letter where he basically told me that if he was having an affair, he would man up and own it.

Q: "why haven't you been included in any of these dinners?"

A: As far as I know, the dinners only happen when he's at his out-of-state company or conventions--with very few exceptions (like the one that occurred in February 2013)--and honestly, I view dinners as a time to savor good conversation with family and friends. Never been interested in being the corporate wife (until now :). Interestingly enough, he also had a local dinner with another client the following Sunday after the dinner to which I was vehemently opposed (see above) to which I WAS invited. He claims I was invited because the client's wife was going to attend. Wth, one of the clients at the vehemently oppossed dinner (see above) took his wife. But my husband didn't and neither did POW take her husband. At that point, my husband was probably terrified that I would make a scene.

I dream of doing such things, but really never would (damn it).

And yes, my husband is super charming, made him the financial success he is today. Too bad he can't see that it's dangerously close to making him a marital failure.

Your posts confuse me. You come across as very matter of fact and strong. A good thing! I think you said you were a lawyer? So obviously educated. But then, sandwiched in some of the stories you tell about your H are some zingers that just scream affair, gas lighting, disrespect, control--all from a very belligerent--what's sounds to me--bully. And you say it so matter of factly. Like him saying if he was having an affair he would man up and tell you. Well first, no he wouldn't. That us is a very telling statement. And again very matter of factly you restated it. That is a statement of a very guilty, entitled pompous "catch me if you can" attituded bully. Just like when OJ said well if I would have killed Nicole Simpson, I would have strangled her, not stabbed her. Maybe so much is lost in the written word, but like I said, I'm confused by your posts and confused by what you are trying to find out and confused about what you're thinking is once you do confirm. Has he exhibited absuive tendencies towards you? It's almost like your desensitized to what he is doing and saying and your whole goal here is to prove he is NOT cheating. Like your sure he's not and your pretty confident your VAR and other minimal checking will bear that out?

Darn! I forgot my suggestion. I'm not sure how he can get to the mailbox before you every month, but I was going to suggest that you make a note of when that Am Ex bill came a few days ago. And next month a few days before that is expected to arrive, go to the post office and have the mail held for a few days and go pick it up each day until you can intercept that statement. One month won't tell you much, but all you need is one nugget or one clue to start you off in the right direction. I found my WH out with one singular very subtle red flag. I went to pick up his phone to answer it when he was driving and he snatched it out of my hand. In that instant I knew all I had to know. It took me another 2 weeks of very diligent tracking down leads (I'm in the legal profession too, so it's in my blood) and I had the full story. Name, adress, history of OW, pieced together start of A--the whole thing. It was not difficult at all. And he was very very good at covering his tracks, it was a woman I had no knowledge of but who he had dated for a short time before we even knew each other and there was not one other red flag, in hindsight, other than the snatched phone. Nothing.

Still stuck on the VAR:

Can you place/retrieve in the middle of the night?

If you leave it there, aren't you afraid he might find it?

Cantgetup, my posts confuse me, too.

Of course I want to be wrong about my suspicions and slink off this site like I'd never been on it; wouldn't most, if not all, of us?

And, yes, the written word is difficult to decipher out of context. You have only heard the facts I have given, those that cause alarm to me. It's doubly complicated by the fact that the POW is a fricking client. She just strikes me as a dangerous, attention-seeking woman, and my husband doesn't care, nay, he panders to her because of the very serious amounts of money flowing from her company to his. I've google-stalked her and the photos I have seen would make you gasp (and maybe throwup a little in your mouth). Alas, she took her photos private a couple of weeks ago..right after another fight I had with my husband. Coincidence? You see how crazy-making it all is, right?

And yes, I am matter of fact and strong, but I am also fiery and opinionated (latina). Just trying to lay the facts out in a "rational" way to see what an uninvolved observer would think. Boy, has that been a shocker. People in whom I have confided think the pandering to POW is wrong and not giving up the amex statement is wrong, but none will say they think him capable of an affair, "he loves you too much to go there."

I have intercepted a couple of his amex stayements in the last six months, nothing incriminating.

And no, he has never been abusive. But with all that's been happening the last couple of years, I certainly feel abused, neglected, and lonely.

Thanks (cantgetup) for reading and sharing.

P.s. Aack, my husband yanked his phone out of my hand in the car, while he was driving, just a couple of weeks ago! Omg.

TS68, Not too worried he will find it :). Going to pick up my daughter tomorrow from my sister's. Will likely spend a couple of nights. Let the games began, sigh.

What do you mean he yanked his phone out of your hands? Did that memory just come back suddenly? Not trying to offend... There have been many little things my h has done that I didn't think too much of past the moment, but now will suddenly remember stuff and be like "wtf was that??"

Were you arguing while you had his phone? Or were you just using it to order carry out or something nonthreatening?

Red flag... Sorry.

My fWH also said

that if he was having an affair, he would man up and own it.

Yeah... that is why I caught him and he still TT 18months later.

He also said he would never have an A, he would just tell me he was out of love and leave me. That didn't happen either. That is why he invited the OW into my home while I was visiting his family.

He also snatched his phone away in the car. So I waited till he showered to see the proof on his phone.

Your WH has so much shit going on eventually the balls are going to come crashing down on top of him while he juggles them.

I wouldn't have caused a scene at dinner. I would have just smiled sweetly at her and asked her if she was enjoying my husband and his money.

If he is proven to having an A...what do you want to do. D or R? It doesn't sound that if it is, he wouldn't stop due to the fact she is a high profile client.

Even if he isn't you are unhappy. Maybe set up MC?

Get him the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair and give it to him. Just tell him flat out that you know.