SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

thankyou for replying...

There has been some updates that I couldn't put on here before now and I did get some advice privately at the time from some SI members.

I unwittingly set up a HONEY TRAP. Well it started out as a joke but WH choices made it become a HONEY TRAP.

So when we set up these silly profiles on Ashley Madison, unbeknowns to my WH, I made up another female profile to have a bit of fun with him as a joke for a couple of days as he had once said to me that one day we should get dressed up and go into town separately and pick each other up. So I thought I would do this profile, have a laugh for a couple of days and tell him about it. Well, he deleted the messages again and when I found the deleted messages, I told him any more contact with her (me actually in secret) and we would be over. Well he arranged 2 more meetings and she obviously didn’t show. Because he knew I checked the emails and told him to stop messaging, he started up another email. I knew because he was really emailing me…. The old honey trap. The stuff he said to her was heartbreaking but he never once bad mouthed me. I did push him for sex to see if he would but he didn’t but I do think he eventually would have…. As he kept wanting to meet her and ring from a public phone.

Anyway, after he decided to be “faithful”, he came home and he honestly looked relieved and happy.

But then I told him I knew who she was and that she was his f##kin wife. He was absolutely in shock and was incredibly angry. He wouldn’t talk to me at all. Since then he hasn’t wanted to talk about it and has acted like it never happened.

I expected that he would have been sorry and tried to make it up to me but I have seen no remorse whatsoever.

Two nights ago, I said to him, Do you think we should call it quits? He got so defensive and annoyed at me for mentioning it and said he can’t believe I pushed and pushed to set him up like I did. I tried to explain that it wasn’t the plan to do that. It was to be a bit of fun for a couple of days until he made the choice to delete the messages and start up another email account. He can’t understand that. I also said that regardless of the fact of who she actually was, he didn’t know and did the wrong thing. He wrote erotic stories to her of what he wanted to do with her and told her that there was nothing more that he wanted than to be inside her and hold her in his arms! It broke my heart when we have been together for almost 30 years and he has never met her.

I told him he hasn’t even tried to be affectionate or loving or tried to win me back and said we are over after he walked out whilst we were talking. He said fine but later came back to me and wanted to cuddle. The next morning he didn't mention what happened but showed some affection. He said that he will do whatever I want him to do. That isn’t the point, I want him to be faithful and to show he wants only me but I want him to WANT that… I don’t want him to be forced to do it.

How do I make him understand he did the wrong thing instead of him being angry about being “set up”? He made the choice to cheat and lie, if he remained faithful and honest, nothing would have continued and we would have had a laugh. I don’t know what I should be doing.

The stupid thing is that we actually have a happy marriage and there is no reason for him to betray. It annoys me when friends say what a wonderful couple we are and how we have the perfect life. I truly don’t understand why. When he started to delete the emails to meet her, we were having sex all the time. We were talking so much and really enjoying each others company again. So to me it made no difference if we were arguing or happy and he betrays. He cannot tell me why and says each time that it won’t happen again. I’ve had some SI members tell me he is a sex addict but I would thing he would have to look at sex stuff all the time??? There does seem to be a progression from phone sex to massage to casual sex sites to prostitute to internet affair??? I was going to get him to do an online sex addict questionnaire to see after another SI member suggested it to me but I'm scared of his reaction when I ask him to do it.

Do I try and forget what has happened and try to reconcile or are we doomed to end anyway? Do I wait until the children are about to leave for university so their lives are not disrupted. But that is 5 years away…. Can I last that long? I just feel I have put in the effort with no results and want him to want me back.

I love him. I know he loves me but I do wonder if he cares enough for me? He is annoyed that I no longer wear my wedding rings but it feels wrong to wear them now.

Last night I did receive flowers and he was very loving so maybe my show of anger (the first time since finding out about the prostitute in june2014) jolted him the other night. I don't know.

BW me 44

WH him 45

children

Married over 25 years

together nearly 30 years

Why are you do scared? I ask because hes the guilty one who has put you through so much inspire of you giving him a great marriage. You have every right to be angrier than him. (())

[This message edited by lovesobroken at 8:27 PM, October 15th (Wednesday)]

Í know it is silly to be scared but I suppose I'm just scared that I have lost him. I told him about the online test the other day and he laughed but I said I did the test to see roughly if he was first taking it quite conservately and he was so he is interested in taking the test now which is great! It will be interesting to see what his answers are.

I am so sorry. You are clearly hurting.

I'm a straight shooter and don't mean to offend but this May strike a few cords.

You are married to a full blown, active sex addict. You are destroying any shred of self respect you have. You are doing this to win him over. You are doing this to prove he loves you enough, that you are enough. I get it. The problem is - with an active sex addict - you will NEVER be enough. There is no "enough" in an addiction.

I let mine walk all over me for 2 years. I can now spot them a mile away. I see SA in stores, BEAUTIFUL, thin, young women on their arms, checking me out. Not. Because I'm special. I'm not bad to look at but compared to some of their wives? I got nothing physically. It doesn't matter. No woman, no harem of women, full production houses of porn and cases of Viagra will scratch their itch. It's an ADDICTION.

It's NOT about you. It's not about how much he loves you, in an active cycle - he CAN'T love you. I'm not saying he's a bad guy. Not at all. I just know the demon that is sex addiction. I sold my soul to "fix" my addict. It didn't help. I abused myself by letting him abuse me. YOU ARE WORTH MORE!!!!

"I’ve had some SI members tell me he is a sex addict but I would thing he would have to look at sex stuff all the time??? "

Drug addicts do not do drugs all the time.

Alcoholics do not drink alcohol all the time.

Food addicts do not eat all the time.

In the addict world, there is a place and a time to do their addiction of choice.

You can be a binger and an addict. A binger can do binges once a week, twice a month, once a month or even less and yes, they can still be an addict.

Addiction, if you are not one, is completely alien to the non addict. It's all about dopamine and dopamine hits. You can as an addict, wait for it and thrive and enjoy it - even if you do it only a little or do it a lot. All addicts all people are different.

So, in my humble opinion, yes, he sounds like a sex addict. And sex addicts are the best of liars.

Do not believe him. I'm sorry. But like a previous poster said, you really believe him about the massage parlor? FYI - massage prostitutes-whether at parlors or call ins - are a big thing in the sex addict world. First comes porn, then comes strip joints, then comes the massage parlor girls in a - well, naked and on top or bottom or whatever.... The more you visualize, really, the more you will understand. And the more you will hurt, yes. But for some reason I'm not sure you are visualizing what he has done enough. It could be denial, it could be sweet ignorance because you do not live in that convoluted sick world of theirs, and it could be that he just isn't giving you the information and you aren't pressuring him enough. But you are dong a good job, for as little info as he gives you...

Good luck, sweets. I'm married to a sex addict. Have gone to 3 sep IC therapists myself. My sex addict goes to 2 meetings with other sex addicts a week. Good luck. The more you know, the better. Do not stay in the dark.

And kuddos to you for setting him up. I wish you wouldn't have let him know. It's hard, you being the good partner - it's hard lying, but maybe that's the only way to live with an addict. You gotta put your boots on and stop telling him everything - it's time to pull the shield over yourself and protect yourself.

As for the kids - well, they are over 18. College or not, they are adults. Time to protect yourself.

And F him for being upset at you. Girl - put those F'ing boots on - steel toed, ok? I think you should sting him again - and don't tell him - let the lawyers tell him.

[This message edited by trappe25 at 10:06 PM, October 19th (Sunday)]

trappe25, yes I am sorry I let him know that it was me. He did the sex addict online survey and didn't come up as a sex addict however there were a couple of questions he answered incorrectly I feel and then he would have gone over.

Yes, I agree with you also about the massage with happy ending... I'm not confident at all that he has told me the truth there. He gets upset when I don't believe him but he really hasn't got a good track record of telling the truth. Hopefully one day I will feel like he has told me the truth.

Sodammlost, all good, I understand completely.