SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So my question is: anyone out there date or a marry a former cheater and make it work?

My EW married her AP, who has gone through a series of marriage busting affairs (including his own) - so yes, it happens.

Here's the other side. Something like 60% of divorces/marriages deal with infidelity. That's a lot of cheating. So it's a coin flip if you're going to hit it or not... And if you're dating a bit, you'll hit it - you may not know, but it's there.

Make it work depends on the perspective of the ex-Cheater. Tremendously. You know enough from this forum to know the difference between learning a lesson and taking responsibility and not owning their stuff. It's certainly a red flag that I'd pay attention to.

Jose, you are playing with fire. And the worst part of it is that the longer you play the less you control the outcome. Think about it, don't be naive about how wise you are.

Personally, I think I could get involved with a recovered wayward but I struggle everyday with people I catch in a lie. I don't know that I will ever be able to get to a normal tolerance level.

But thats the thing...how do you know they are recovered? If the people in reconciliation have a very hard time figuring it out with their spouses, what makes us think we can after a few dates? And are you willing to put your heart on the line to try and figure it out with the possibility that its all bullshit?

Well I guess that is the thing. I don't date anymore. I have a lot of friends, but have screened out a few after some lies surfaced. And I have been introduced to potential dates and encountered a few on my own. Two professed to be betrayed spouses, said all the right things to sound like a BS. One claimed it was amicable. But I know how to look up court records and how to dig around. They lied. So even when you meet a "BS" you don't know, it could be bs. If a WS owned their past actions, your guard is up, you watch for red flags. At least you aren't being led down a garden path by a fake bs?

I hang on every word, just waiting to catch people in a lie. I haven't met anyone interesting enough to upset the life I have carved out. I don't really know, I don't get far enough along to risk a date! I am obsessed with catching lies.

I could not date a former wayward. That's just my stance.

The best and most reliable predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Just sayin.

Sounds like there's still too much blameshifting still going on. Own your shit.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 9:34 PM, April 5th (Wednesday)]

No, I would pass on a cheater. I need someone with better character than that.

I don't think I could date someone knowing that they had cheated. I feel like I would go in already knowing they were capable of that and just be worried/unsure from the start, knowing it could potentially happen again. As for your date, she definitely does not sound like she's owning up to her past and hasn't done the work to better herself, kudos though to her for being honest, I'm sure many wouldn't admit that

I could not date a former wayward. That's just my stance.

So that's removing 50-60% of the dating pool. Just saying.

And look, I never cheated on my wife. I may or may not have cheated on a girlfriend at some time in the past decade(s) and learned a lesson from it. Does that make me a WS?

From a book I read, here's what I won't date:

1) Narcissists

2) Don't date people that have a tendancy to "get bored" easily.. I forget the correct term, but basically if they like the chase, they're going to tend toward infidelity.

It takes a while to sort it...

I have the same impulse as others have described here that I'd want my next partner to "have better character" than a WS. But I think that's tricky. Affairs are so common; is 1/2 the world of low character? (I guess that's actually possible, looking around the world these days...) And while I feel certain I could never have inflicted a LTA on someone, most of the people who had them thought the same thing until they did it, so I think it's the right stance for me to not feel superior and accept that perhaps under the right set of circumstances I could have done it too, even if I can't imagine it.

I know that someone who has cheated once is more likely to cheat again, but we are talking percentages not certainty, and there is still a high percentage of prior-non-cheaters who are going to end up cheating on you anyways, so it's not as if one path is safe and the other dangerous. Loving is risky, and in this case one path is just somewhat more risky than the other.

It feels like the bigger issue is, having been through this trauma, could you in time manage to trust the person who has done this vile thing but addressed their issues (still an open question in my current situation)? Could you be around someone who in any way reminds you of the worst thing you ever went through? I don't know if I'm capable, but it almost seems like personal growth if you could.

[This message edited by Jose68 at 7:09 PM, April 7th (Friday)]

Yeah I did....xWH. He told me shortly after we started our relationship (the "why our marriages failed" conversation) that he "fell in love with another woman"....so honest, and contrite (he left when his kids were 3 and 1).

Of course I just knew that it was bc he was young, he's open about it, it will NEVER happen again. I knew this in my heart and soul.

Guess what? Read the profile. He actually was heard telling someone that OUR marriage failed bc he "fell in love with another woman".

Your gal doesn't sound like she's processed it and is still blameshifting. Trust me, if this is how she reacts when things get hard in a relationship, she will do it again. Guaranteed. Don't kid yourself.

Could you be around someone who in any way reminds you of the worst thing you ever went through?

Here's the thing, my ex h cheating on me isn't the worst thing I've ever gone through in life. So, there's simply less trauma for me personally associated with cheating in general.

Plus I find the sort of judgements being passed on someone's morals/character based on one snippet of information quite telling (about the judger). There are all manner of people in this world with terrible values/morals/character. Some people also cheat on their partners. Those two are not always one and the same.

I do believe in a persons ability to change and make better choices if they truly work out the underlying reasons behind their behaviors. We are all not doomed to repeat history.

I really appreciate everyone who took the time to reply here, extremely helpful, especially the range of different opinions.

I guess for myself, whether it's because she isn't safe/solid in her own recovery, or just that it's still a very raw thing for me it's more than I can do. Pretty disappointing - I haven't met many women I've clicked with this year, and I thought I was done with this level of intensity around affairs. I guess it is still in there, not very deep down. But I let her know where I'm at and she was sad but very graceful about it.

[This message edited by Jose68 at 10:11 PM, April 7th (Friday)]

Remember, ALL CHEATERS LIE

even the pretty ones

BiggestDA: Do you really think that people who have affairs will never be able to be fully honest in the future? And we all lie (about why I couldn't come to your party, why I didn't pick up the phone when you called, about whether I truly remembered that story you told me last week, etc.)

I get it all too well that these things are not the same as breaking serious promises and risking a family for your own temporary comfort, but this is a matter of degree, not a different sort of behavior than the rest of. What do you think?

To the degree that there is future risk in a past WS, I would think it would just be that we know that they have a hard time asking for what they want in a relationship, or sometimes even being in touch with what they want, and that a partner of the opposite sex is a coping mechanism they might turn to in a time of stress. But it's the cheating that's the problem, the lying just follows along with that.

No, don't do this to yourself or you might just be dating the ex with a different name. (I don't know your story, I apologize-thread title got me).

I met a WS in divorce care. He must be the poster child of recovered SA/WS. His wife was too angry and hurt to heal their marriage. He tried for I believe 3 years to R. It was very sad. I'm an IC and I have a client who is a recovering WS and he's doing the work.

So I think I definitely would date a WS IF I was completely healed and they were as well. I can be with my SO because he is safe for me because he was not a WS.

But I let her know where I'm at and she was sad but very graceful about it.

[This message edited by Jose68 at 10:11 PM, April 7th (Friday)]

So does that mean you broke up with her?

I'm really sorry it came to that! But I would have done the same thing. In fact, finding out why someone's marriage ended is in the top 20 questions I ask before I even meet them.

It's deeply personal, but I have a hard and fast rule that I can't date a cheater. And if he lies to me about that fact earlier on, I just discovered another character flaw (luckily this hasn't happened yet.)

I commend you for having that talk with her and for possibly letting go. It's really hard to find someone interesting/attractive, etc. to date. But we can't settle for someone who isn't checking all the boxes..and that BIG BOX of honesty/loyalty is at the top of my list.

In fact, finding out why someone's marriage ended is in the top 20 questions I ask before I even meet them.

This is a question I always ask, but I make sure to do it face-to-face. I get the truth a lot more when I go this route. It's VERY easy to lie over text/phone. It's a lot harder when someone is there looking into your eyes.

When I ask them face-to-face, I can read their movement and their subtle body language. Over the phone you get a couple of indicators, but no where near the volume of helpful information as face-to-face.

I always say that I couldn't date a former WS. I think that's still true. I might be open to one that owned their shit, but I doubt it. I'm not sure how someone could really, truly, show me they have done the work.

I get that removing 50-60% of the dating is a result of this, but 50-60% of millions is still pretty good.