SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you for posting your stories. It helps to know that I am clearly not the only one having fallen for a conman.

Ended up going out with a friend tonight. It was good because it opened some new doors to volunteering for an event next weekend and just dancing the night away.

I am not planning to let him get away with this. My colleague and friend, who was the one who set us up, is livid and completely stunned. I don't think he believes I figured it out. When I get the chance, I will expose him but this time around, I will be smarter and come with solid proof. And I will get myself tested asap; I never thought I would have to do that again.

Oh honey, I’m so sorry. This whole story breaks my heart for you. BUT I’m so proud of you because LOOK AT YOU!!! You’re strong and smart and capable. You’ll be more than ok, but please take your time grieving all of this and processing. Sending you love.

It helps to know that I am clearly not the only one having fallen for a conman.

It helped me to remember that conmen are professionals, sometimes literally making a living by taking advantage of women. They've been honing their skills for *decades*. Very few of us are equipped to deal with someone like this...conmen aren't typically that skilled or practiced when they were younger, so it's a unique difference between dating 20somethings and 40somethings so it's not like we also get practice in dealing with conmen. They get more and more experience and prey on those of us (all of us!) who have had limited encounters with these types.

My conman experience brought me to my knees; it was worse than my divorce in some ways because it felt like a culmination of all the relationship failures I'd ever had. The silver lining was that it completely changed the way I approached dating and I took a year off because I didn't trust myself at all and I was also exhausted after that experience. If you google things like "dated a sociopath" you'll find all kinds of women who say that it changed their lives, in a good way. I've had the two best relationships of my life since then, one lasted 14 months and ended amicably and the other is still new at 7 months but it's the most fulfilling relationship I've had and with both relationships, I realized it was possible to have all of their words and actions be consistent and make sense *all the time*. I excused a lot of weird behavior in the past because I was really scared of missing out on a good guy, not giving someone enough chances or calling things off due to a misunderstanding, but now I realize it's possible for someone to behave respectfully and consistently 100% of the time. That isn't to say that we don't argue or disagree, but there's a level of investment and openness there that I've never experienced before and I'm present in new ways because I'm not constantly trying to analyze shady or inconsistent behavior.

To add to this - when I met him, he was wrapping up a last issue related to child support and college payments with his first ex-wife. I didn't think much of it but came to learn that in the 17 years they have been divorced the following occurred:

-630 transactions logged in 12 years since the divorce; this includes too many motions filed by him to count

- 9 appeals filed by him against court decisions

- 2 appeals were partially successful

- the opinion issued on appeal 8 and 9 by the judge called them baseless and only done to vex his ex-wife and to keep controlling her

- he was reprimanded for misconduct and his license revoked for 1 year

- he filed probate, criminal and civil charges against his ex-wife repeatedly

- I do know from interacting with his daughters that there are significant mental health issues with the mother and they both chose to be with him when the courts allowed. He was given full custody and to this day he has a good relationship with his daughters. So I guess both sides are a bit crazy in this?

The reason I dug deeper into this was because he told me before ghosting that he received two opinions from the court and that he was going to file another appeal. He was never done.

I will sure stay away from dating for a while :-)

[This message edited by fraeuken at 12:52 PM, September 23rd (Saturday)]

Holy cow...I'm so sorry.

He sounds disordered, especially when you described the court actions against his former wife.

It is common for sociopaths to provoke the innocent party to get a reaction. And then paint them as being crazy. Sort of like stabbing someone and then blaming them for bleeding.

I would not be surprised if he alienated his daughters against their mother. He wants to win at all costs...look at all the court cases..and what better way then taking children away from the mother.

How do I know this? I am living it.

I am so proud of you for being smart and courageous. Tread carefully with this one as you know he is vindictive.

Also google "love fraud".

Sheesh, fraeuken....I'm so very sorry.

This has served as confirmation for me. I am no where near ready to even think about dating but I tell myself that ghosting in any form is THE ONE THING I absolutely will not tolerate. No matter the reason or the driving motive, it doesn't point toward anything that's good.

But...here IS the good thing. You called this "relationship" after the last episode - and before you even did any investigative work. You called it simply on that experience alone - and that really points toward your ability to protect yourself and set standards that reflect the kind of relationship you deserve. I don't know that we can prevent getting into relationships with these kinds of folks...it's just part of being human and trying to connect. But more importantly is the belief that we can get ourselves out when we begin to see the signs - no matter how long it takes for those signs to show themselves. (It's likely there were some other sooner signs and maybe that's where you focus your attention now. Something caused you to look deeper than just his "depression".)

I know you've got some grief work to do. And maybe even an opportunity to grow yourself further. But try to be kind to yourself in this, too....because you did really good given the circumstances. That's worth something. And my guess is your next relationship will be even a closer match to the higher self you are becoming. Two years is a lot of time to spend on someone...but it's nothing in terms of coming to be the kind of person you want to be to then attract the kind of person you deserve in your life. Mark this one up, grieve, spend some time in introspection, and then move on - with greater growth and higher expectations. This will soon just be a snapshot in your larger life story. Sending you lots of love!

I confirmed last night and drove over an hour to the address in question. Oddly enough I was praying to see one of his cars there so I could stop wondering. His "best" car was parked in front of the house last night; the house was dark. I remember discovery the first time around; this time I was calm and collected. No shaking, no tears. Just took pictures with location marked.

Based on timeline this started exactly 1 year into our relationship. I still can't understand how he pulled it of but I guess conmen are good at this. Interestingly enough, I had no emotion on the way home other than reflecting on the relationship and thinking I dodged a bullet.

And being thankful for my friends. The best part of my new beginning is the group of close friends that supported me through it last time. And they are all here to rally again this time. My weekends are booked with church and activities, my weekdays will be busy with DD15, work and work on myself.

Thank you everybody here for reading and chiming in. It took less of your collective knowledge this time to confirm what I knew I had to do. It still ja comforting to know one is not alone in this. Good luck to all of you in your NB.

Holy crap, fraeuken.

(((fraeuken)))

thinking I dodged a bullet.

No thinking about it. You definitely DID dodge a bullet. Plus, you realized your worth, how you should be treated, and you recognized how he didn't meet those expectations.

I'm so on your behalf. I will never understand how some people's brains work to make them think messing with others like this is okay. Has he tried contacting you at all since your last text to him?

I dodged a bullet.

^^^^Definitely.

I'm so sorry that this has happened, but as you know, it could have been a lot worse. It still sucks and he's a complete asshole. But, it could have been a much worse scenario then what happened. And the fact that you know you're worth and have cut him off is a huge step forward. A more vulnerable woman would have denied what had happened or made excuses. Not you. You have zero time for this bullshit. And that's a huge thing.

I would doubt everything he told you. Mental health and anxiety?? No sleeping with the other woman is more like it.

You dodged a giant cannonball and you are modeling how emotionally healthy people remove themselves from toxic messes.

Please grieve and also find some fun.

Wow...I'm so sorry this took a turn for the crazy.

But as you said, you dodged a bullet. Damn.

"So I guess both sides are a bit crazy in this?"

I doubt it. I've seen this before where one offending ex will keep taking the other to court until the other gives up, loses their sanity, or until the courts side with the offender. I'd bet the he's the insane one while his ex gave up because he was making her life a living hell. You dodged a bullet all right. You were dating an insane narcissist. Make a mental note not to pick the same personality type again.

At this point there has been no further contact and yes, I do doubt everything he ever told me, including that he loved me.

Based on a comment on here about this man sounding like a disordered person, I did repeatedly engage with a counselor to discuss and read everything I could find on Borderline Personality. I also engaged with people on self-help boards who both suffer from BPD and who have been in relationships, whether romantic, friendships or family relationships with a person suffering from BPD.

I am completely stunned by the eerie similarity of what people have been telling me as to how their relationships went - from idolization and mirroring to abrupt discarding after a brief period of devaluation. Also, the level of intensity in terms of the emotional connection and sexual connection described exactly what I have been experiencing.

The aspect of mirroring is the most creepy one for me. For the first months of our relationship he took notes of things I said - my preferences, my dislikes etc. He noted down products I was using.He would try to recreate the foods I was cooking. He started engaging with everything related to my home country. I only learned about the note taking a little while ago, it certainly felt weird that he had a whole collection of notes on his phone. This was him mirroring as he was studying me to mirror back to me; it is almost impossible to describe how that feels and what it does to you on the receiving end. You are being groomed to believe you have met your soulmate.

At some point he started 'splitting' me, meaning I was removed from my pedestal and I turned from the greatest person ever to somebody who needs to be devalued. This started with snarky comments about a recent work promotion ("I wouldn't count on it lasting. With your company you know next week you will demoted again.") and professional pictures I took with my daughter ("Don't think you look like that truly. I mean, you look ok, but you don't look like this.") and on my redecorating ("Houses are just boxes. I don't get your insane nesting."). These are things he WOULD have never said even 4 weeks ago. This then spirals into being upset about something the partner does or says that a person with BPD would perceive as a threat, insult, abandonment and they respond with a reaction that is not rational to any person who does not suffer from this and this sudden cutting me out is a response many people in relationship with somebody suffering from BPD have experienced.

If in fact he is suffering from this and is untreated (which he is) and does self-medicate with medications such as Xanax and drinks, it would also explain many other issues, such as the excessive litigation against his 1st ex-wife, the grooming of a new partner while devaluing the other partner to ensure there is continued emotional supply, the mood swings, the depression, anxiety, insomnia etc.

This is not to excuse what has happened but it has provided me with a framework to work with and to understand how to move on. I will get some counseling because this has surfaced my co-dependency issue and, as the counselor I talked to asked me to be mindful of, the sudden abandonment and the recovery from such an addictive, highly intense relationship can induce PTSD and since this is not my first rodeo with this I can tell that I am having issues focusing right now, I am not devastated but emotional, I am still trying to find answers, my sleep is bad. So, certainly as strong as I might appear in my decision making on the outside, I am highly confused on the inside.

One thing made me laugh though over the weekend - one woman who has gone through this in the past told me to be very happy with myself because by his mirroring I essentially fell in love with myself It is a thought to ponder.

[This message edited by fraeuken at 1:08 PM, September 25th (Monday)]

Wow! It is strange enough that someone would ghost someone he dated for well over 2 years, but to be living a double life for the past 18 months or more. Yikes! You have every right to be devastated.

Do you think he moved in with someone he dated before you in that apartment in March 2016? The house you saw his car at is his house? Was he going between the two apartments for over a year?

It would be good to let the OW know what he has been up to for the last 18 months or more. She needs to know he was dating and having sex with you right up to less than 2 weeks ago.

Take care of yourself. You are far too good for him!

Also research malignant narcissist. Very similar behavior.

I respectfully disagree with contacting anyone associated with this man.

I disagree because who does this? Only extremely manipulative, selfish people with no empathy and pathological liars. Think Drew Peterson or any of the other infamous cases. Normal people never act like this. Why would anyone go to this much trouble and intentionally hurt another? Because something is VERY VERY wrong.

I disagree because you have seen behind the mask. You see the real man and for that he will be enraged if you dare step into his space. He might be enraged if he doesn't hear from you....only time will tell. He didn't think you were smart enough to figure out the game. You are making him look bad.....

NC is my advice. Keep safe and as distant as possible. Lock down any access he has to you personally, online, financial etc. Go invisible.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 3:41 PM, September 25th (Monday)]

I think it's downright creepy that he was taking notes about all your preferences. I could be off base here, it seems to me that this would indicate he doesn't really have relationships. He has projects.

From the counselor or the self help boards, did you get any advice on how to identify someone like this at the onset, to avoid this again in the future? We all learn from our mistakes, but it seems like this personality disorder would have been hard to see in the beginning because he was working so hard at making you see only what he wanted to reflect.

Too bad you didn't realize sooner that he was trying to cook what you cook. You could have really messed with him in that regard and made stuff that would really revolt him. Especially given his aversion so some things. Offal comes to mind. I can just see you whipping up some tripe or haggis.

All of that mirroring stuff you describe and falling in love with themselves by engaging you reminds me of psychopath description. Scary and yuck.

You sound very strong which is awesome. Keep it up!

The counselor honed in on the love bombing and the extreme intensity of the relationship and the early declarations of love.

A healthier person than me would have seen it. I tremendously enjoyed and craved the attention. This man is highly intelligent, intellectual and it took me only a very short time to be totally attracted even though physically he was not my type.

I learned it is a common pattern and driven by the way BPDs experience emotion and by attachment types, or lack thereof, that they develop.

I know it sounds creepy and to a person not dealing with this it is. As I was reading the testimony of people who are BPD I felt very sorry - it sounds like a very, very difficult existence and I applaud those who put themselves through the hard work of dealing with it. It is heart breaking to read their stories. It is also heart breaking to be on the receiving end of this.

[This message edited by fraeuken at 4:26 PM, September 25th (Monday)]

Charity, you are certainly hitting on something that has been stirring around in me. I have a significant fear of not being 'good enough' and being rejected for not being good enough; this is something I can trace back to my childhood and that was prevalent in my marriage, where nothing about me was ever good enough and where I was ultimately replaced. This silent, faceless, emotionless rejection that comes in form of ghosting is something I can't grasp; not having a chance to respond is cruel; reaching out for an explanation seems desperate and so everything that I spend my energy and time on for the last 2 years was for nothing. At least, that's what it feels like right now.

I have been told by friends to fully assume this is about him, not me, that there is probably nothing I could have done to prevent this ultimately from happening again. This will take time. I feel every wound has been reopened after learning to trust again that a lasting relationship with a good partner might be possible after all

I think you are handling this extremely well - evincing good self-care, seeking out help and information from others, taking a measured and methodical approach to confusing circumstances. It would be good to reflect on how much you have grown over the years and how much you can now handle. Contrary to any sense of self or confidence being diminished by his disordered behaviour, I see the opposite, and how confidently you are responding. It's great

Of course, its understandable, given the hopes you had for the relationship, that your ability to trust will be diminished but there are lots of good guys out there. Those of us who have been in a relationship with a BPD/NPD (mine was a working relationship) wonder if we were targeted and to some extent it is true that they scent our empathy, and they want some of it, not just for themselves but also to emulate it (part of the mirroring) to pass themselves off as empathetic. Your willingness to take him back after the first ghosting (ghosting is IMO outrageously discourteous and cruel) is where you might want to dig a little more and hopefully see that the world is not full of bloodsucking vampire ghost men.

Big hug to you. You dodged a bullet, gained more strength and character and learned a little more about yourself.

Dating someone with BPD really does a number on us. Mine didn't live a double life, but he checked all the boxes on the description of BPD.

He is still with the woman he discarded me for. They have been together for years. From what I understand, there isn't a set amount of time for each phase.

I was with mine for six years. You certainly dodged a bullet and you are handling this portion well, in my opinion.

Now, don't blame yourself, take this as a lesson and keep on trudging forward.