SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She said she was confused, could she have time to think. I immediately recognized this and said does that just mean I'm going to be your plan B? I told her once the fantasy of anything she had or thought she had faded, divorce would be permanent and it's something that would affect us deeply forever. She said she didn't sleep with him and didn't intend to, then she cried.

She wants more time to spend with him. Separation gives her that.

All cheaters lie hide and deny. They are having sex.

Betrayed spouse syndrome:

Wanting, needing to believe them.

Doing the "pick me dance", trying to nice them back. (All this does is make the other man look more attractive while it does the opposite for you.

Staying in denial of where you are and who she is.

Most go through this upfront.

She's shown you and told you what she wants but you're in deep denial.

Sorry man but at some point you will wake up to reality.

Have her served tomorrow and stop communicating with her.

^^^Best advice. Do this.

She does not love you anymore. Believer her when she shows you who she really is.

Go dark on her. Radio silence. Crickets.

Do it for yourself.

She does not love you so - - F@CK her, she does not need to talk to you anymore. Let her go to the OM.

At this point I'm CHOOSING to believe she hasn't slept with him.

By doing this,you're also choosing to stay in the betrayed spouse fog.

What did she tell you about your marriage that made her not love you anymore when just recently she was saying the opposite? What are you referring to that you could be a better husband?

Look at the number of members here, over sixty thousand I think. I do not think you will find anyone of them that buys her story because it has been told here thousands of times. People do not drop their marriages at the drop of a hat. Not only that, they don’t go and do what she did because she only got laid once or twice. This affair has been going on for awhile.

Look up your phone bill. You may find texting and calling evidence there by the sheer numbers.

The odds are he has been playing her for sex. Normal men don’t look for serious relationships among married women. Find out more about him and if he has been married and what happened.

The biggest thing to do now is inform their HR dept about what is going on. Breaking up the affair is your best shot. Go all in or go home.

What would you tell your son to do in this case? Do you realize it will take the next three to five years to get over this? And obviously it’s not something that you will ever forget.

You can reclaim this...but only if it is clear that you will not share her with any other man.

You have to let her go in order to save this.

Come Thur. You better habe your shyt together or you are stuck in limbo hell.

I just wanted to add that she is NOT the woman you married, and she will never be that woman again. That is one of the hardest pills to swallow- trust me man, I went through hell and back. I wanted that comfort back also, but it isn’t and won’t happen to you or me. Even if she came back, would you really trust her again? Fat chance. It’s best to move on at this point, we were all in denial just like you.

[This message edited by GoingCrazyNow at 6:14 PM, October 10th (Tuesday)]

I'm kind of disappointed all the advice points towards no recourse and very little hope

Feels, The advice you are being given actually gives you the best opportunity. I think we tend to gravitate toward the word "hope" in situations where we have little or no control. You feel that way now. Your heart has been ripped out of your chest, you've been brought to your knees. The way to fight for your marriage is to take control of it.

I expect that you feel that if you file for D she will sign on the dotted line. Ending your M, and you don't want that. Or if you file for D she will think there is no turning back to Feels now if she wanted to. Thus losing an opportunity to get her back.

Have your atty prepare the paperwork. You need to know what the D will look like financially. Then you can tell her where you stand. Other members have told you some of this in their posts:

"I'm ready to fight for our marriage, for us. I can't do that alone. And I will not fight for my marriage when you are in an A. I'm not going to share you with another man. I'm prepared to get myself out of infidelity, with or without you. I want it to be with you but that passenger train out of infidelity is getting ready to leave the station. I intend to be on it. And I want you there with me. You have a choice: stay in infidelity without me, or return to the M and fight for it with me. I can't force you to do anything. But I intend to get myself out of infidelity."

If she cites "confusion", "needs time", "needs space" in order to make a decision...well, you see, that is a decision on her part isn't it? What the words really mean is that she wants the current status quo. And you remain in infidelity, you remain in limbo, when you have made it clear that is unacceptable to you.

Your best opportunity then is to file for D. That makes this real to her. That there will be a change in the status quo. Folks here have seen dozens, hundreds, thousands of cases of infidelity. The longer you wait to take decisive action (and hoping is not one of them) the longer she has to get a commitment from him about a future together.

You do have recourse. You do have an opportunity here. Get in your mind that above all you must get yourself out of infidelity. Take action to do that. Maybe she comes back to you. Maybe she doesn't. You can't control that. Just like there was nothing you did to cause the A. But you damn well can control getting yourself out of infidelity.

To paraphrase a SI "Hall of Fame" betrayed husband: "I shouldn't have to beg my wife to not fvck another man"

Woke up to reading the next wave, about how I'm naive and how it's all been said and done before. About how I need to be more alpha male. Honestly sets me in a panic. A panic that I did the wrong thing and now I'm having immmediate thoughts and urges to call her. I don't know that writing here is helping me... Tonight is extra dark. The more I let it all out the more I feel the "stigma" of being a b*txh. I've had dark thoughts before, especially after my tours but nothing tops this. Nothing.

I don't have the 500 to serve her. I do have a friend in town that can get me a job by Monday.

^~~~ I took about an hour between writing the above and this. I do want to serve her papers. I want to be a strong man and take control of my life. My heartache is so hard I want to take 20 sleeping pills and call it done. Don't worry, I won't. Everything I write feels like a cry for attention and I'm so ashamed. It hurts so bad.....

Hopefully I have a friend who will understand my situation and let me borrow the money, if I want to act sooner than later....

Feels,

I know it's tough. 3 months ago I was in the same place as you. I didn't want to listen to the advice. (In fact some here are probably still disappointed with me) I used some of the advice and then second guessed it. I then didn't use the advice and second guessed it. Really it is a no win situation. I don't want to be harsh like some of the others, But know that everyone is here to help you.

Just remember the advice sound harsh for one reason. They are trying to get you out of infidelity as fast as possible, whether it be through divorce or reconciliation.

The faster you get out of infidelity the faster you can heal.

We have ALL been where you are at. I wanted to kill myself because the pain was almost to much to bear. We know how you feel, but your best bet is to do the 180 and work on making yourself feel better. Calling her at this point just sets you back. I was not trying to be harsh in my previous replies, just giving you some insight as to how it really works. In time you will realize this, that every one of us is trying to help, not hurt you. And you are far from a Bitch- you loved this woman and she rewarded you with the ultimate betrayal. You deserve better.

I have to at least try to fight for it before I can accept its done.

Ithasfeels, ask yourself exactly what it is your are fighting for? The woman you once knew and always saw? Or, this new woman who is now a cheater willing to throw you and all that history together away to do a "what if?" relationship for a couple of weeks?

And yes, this -

She said she was confused, could she have time to think.

Almost with 99.9% accuracy means "I need to go try out the AP first before I decide to go back to you, my plan B."

Otherwise, what else is there to figure out? You said you are willing to give her a chance. Willing to forgive her for her betrayal. Willing to give R a shot! You've given her the mother of all chances to rugsweep the cheating and....she balks. Wants more time to think about it. You know what that really means deep down inside.

Here is the thing, Ithasfeels. It is SHE that should be fighting to save the marraige with YOU, not the other way around. Go get ANY job right now and save up for the $500 and file. Did your attorney tell you how long it typically takes for divorce to finalize in your jurisdiction? 6, 12, 18 months? Divorce process can be stopped at any time. You WW can have that time to REALLY think about what she is about to lose because you will have set the wheels in motion. The sands of the hourglass are now falling.

She said she didn't sleep with him and didn't intend to, then she cried.

You know why she cried? Because she lied to your face on facetime and it made her feel like such a scumbag for doing so. It actually is rare for waywards to leave the marraige without having engaged in sex first than it is for just an EA alone, EXPECIALLY when the wayward and AP are that close to each other in proximity, quadruple the odds they had sex if they work together. And if I had a dime for every "but my WW is a special snowflake" and "but my situation is different" I would have one of the new Tesla Model S by now.

You don't have to "act" Alpha. But you do need to give her consequences to deal with. One of those is "WW, if you will not end the affair now then I have no choice but to move forward."

Feels, please listen. The alpha male stuff is bogus, and one of the reasons men in this culture don't talk about their feelings, so forget that piece... you're no less of a man because you want to save your marriage.

But it's not about that, truly!! As I've seen on this site a lot and it makes SO much sense-- you have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it.

You need to send a message that you're NO ONE's plan B and that there's really no choice at all, here. You're her HUSBAND. Can she have time to think? No way. She can let you know in one hour. You need to do your best to break her out of her affair fog with strong words and clear deadlines. Not because you're a manly man, but because you have self-respect and you have to demand she respect you, too.

And in an hour she says she's chosen divorce, then your answer is clear. There's nothing left to fight for on your end. Maybe she'll call you in a week and beg for you back, anyway. By then it won't be such a clear decision for you.

If she says she's chosen you and is willing to go no contact with the AP and immediately begin individual counseling to find out why on earth she did this, then your marriage has a shot to recover.

Either way, given the situation, find a therapist in your area who takes Tricare and specializes in infidelity. You deserve to have your own objective person to speak to about this.

All the hugs to you. Please hang in there. It's a dark time but there's light at the other side of the tunnel. We'll keep an eye on it for you until you can see it yourself...

I am so very sorry you find yourself here. Please follow the advice of the smart people here. Its incredible the pain and devastation that you are going through. We know. The "smacked upside the forehead" feeling is normal. Hang in there.

What Mamabear said. It is way too early to know if it is over. BUT the best way to bring her back to do the hard work of reconciliation is the advice everyone is giving you. Do not lose hope but do not be a doormat.

And thank you for your service.

Take a a breath and breath.

Please take into account the experience of the form.

Read some threads.

Mistakes are made but you can navigate thru this by trusting your gut, question your heart, and above all what works for you.

At the end of the day we are a group of people that have been were you are.

If something doesn't feel right then step back and rethink it.

BTW what you are feeling is all typical when your world has been phucked over by someone you trusted.

One thing I know for sure as long as your old lady is seeing/incontact with OM you are in a losing battle.

It really is up to your old lady to change that.

The rest is just talk.

Until she thinks your done she has no reason to stop seeing the POS that goes after married chicks.

Do you have any way to confirm what she tellls you and what she is telling the OM?

Who is this asshate?

Have you even Google d him.

I think you should look into who you are dealing with.

BTW...take that job and get you head busy and away from this phucked up mess.

Having been thru this shyt 7 years ago....you need to make a plan and work the plan.

Ithasfeels

Your situation is moving very fast and despite how you feel, you're exerting a lot of control. I'm sure you've read about the affair fog and realize she is in one now. Everyone is a plan B when their spouse is in the fog.

You took decisive action right from the start and went NC for 3 days, giving her time to consider what she's done. You've told her it's possible for her to be forgiven, but she needs to decide whether she wants to throw the marriage away forever and suffer the consequences. You've made it fairly plain that you'd like to talk and try to save the marriage, but your willing to walk if necessary.

I don't think you've made a mistake in offering her a chance and I think some of the posters are being hasty in telling you to dump her and you're being a pussy. Read some of the other multi-page stories here and you'll see you're moving very fast. There are several stories here where the cheating wife has done far worse than yours, turned honestly remorseful and complied with all her husbands demand to try and rebuild the marriage.

She said she doesn't love you anymore and she's in an emotional affair. Are you willing to end your marriage based on that? Keep on your path.

[This message edited by Deserta at 11:24 PM, October 10th (Tuesday)]

Please, understand one thing. Most posters tell you don't make that mistake not because they did the right thing in their own situations, but because they made the same mistakes.

There's only one chance to save your marriage - she has to come to you begging. If you "nice" her back, she will always wonder that maybe POSOM was better option, so she won't be in marriage 100%.