SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you, Lucky77, for your prayers and thoughts.

We’re getting through each day, as best we can, being as normal as we can with each other around the kids. But mostly being courteous to each other, like acquaintances.

I was looking at H’s posts and read from his replies that it’s likely impossible to stay together just for the kids and keep a sustainable relationship between the two of us. I would agree with that, it’s never going to last after the focus of child rearing is gone. My boys and H are certainly powerful reasons to work on saving a difficult relationship. I also know that H would be long gone if it weren’t for them.

I see so much pain in him, it truly breaks my heart every time I look at him, knowing what I’ve done. I also know that self-pity and shame are wastes of time, and really have nothing to do with healing.

Just be real. Someone at work told me that a long time ago, and I asked her what it meant. I have a problem with facing conflict and adversity, and that problem is fear and cowardice. I’m doing my best to look directly at the problems within myself and learn why. I’ve never stopped and looked deeply into any emotion or feeling, it wasn’t anything I’d done as a child, young adult or recently, until now. Now I know it’s critical to understanding what to do next, instead of feeling crippled or paralyzed by fear or

pain. I can get my bearings and meet the challenge of fixing myself and becoming a better partner, mother, sister, friend.

I do thrive on structure and when H and I have been on the emotional roller coaster, I struggle to even myself out to think clearly about how best to move forward.

H knows me better than I know myself and he said today he’s been trying to control the outcome as well. I thought I was trying to do that

I know we need to heal separately first before we can heal together.

Keep the prayers coming, we all need them. I will pray for you, too, Lucky77, and everyone on these forums. There’s a tremendous amount of pain and suffering here but I believe everyone has potential. That’s me, eternal optimist. Or maybe naive simpleton, who knows

I do know I’ve got to learn and a long way to go. I truly appreciate all the responses and help I’ve gotten here on SI.

Thank you

This thread has me inspired to pray more. I have one posted up on I Can Relate.....Support through Prayer. Feels like a way I can offer a touch to SI friends. I'm learning so much here.

That’s a great idea. I believe prayer can incredibly powerful, comforting and inspiring. I personally find a lot of comfort in faith, and knowing that everything is possible with God. I’ve looked at the 12 steps of AA and the 12 promises too, God is certainly part of recovery. I pray everyday for strength, clarity and hope.

H is atheist, so we don’t have faith in common. He suggested that I engage in the conversations here more instead of just posting when we are in crisis. I don’t feel confident enough to respond to anyone else’s threads. I don’t feel qualified to respond to anyone else. I know what we’re going through is common, but when I look at DaddyDom’s, root’s, evolving soul’s or Zugzwag’s posts, I feel intimidated. They are enlightened and some of them are further along in their journey, true. I know I’m cowardly, I prefer hiding than putting it out there. Posting on this site has been a stretch for me, even though it’s anonymous. But I want to continue to push myself out of my comfort zone and take the risks of being vulnerable, I’m sure the benefits outweigh the risks.

H is very articulate and has helped many people on the site. I know I have strengths but sharing advice on love, betrayal and recovering from infidelity is not one of them. Isn’t that obvious?

BS here... so BM9...

You need to do whatever it takes to help your BH feel safe and that you are telling the truth. Let me tell you a bit of my story and perhaps why he doesn’t believe you....

My fWH had ED for several years we thought due to his health condition. Well let me tell you something.... apparently he could get it up.. without viagra.. so much that they bought plan B. And then he was buying the Party box of condoms from Costco.... he claims that he couldn’t get it up or it was soft. but I said well after I found the condom in the car... he quickly dumped in our trash everything.. I got up in the middle of the night and found the party box pretty much empty..I confronted him on that .. can you believe he tried to convince me it was our old condoms I said first of all 15 years ago and not our brand...can you believe He actually went out to buy our brand three them in his nightstand. Of course you can check the manufacture date.. i proved him wrong again.

So I urge you to do what it takes... my fWH took the poly and failed.

I hear some entitlement in your posts. ...It’s not overt but underlying. Perhaps you are afraid that you too will fail because you aren’t owning up to the truth...It would definitely have me wondering too..

I don’t feel confident enough to respond to anyone else’s threads. I don’t feel qualified to respond to anyone else. I know what we’re going through is common, but when I look at DaddyDom’s, root’s, evolving soul’s or Zugzwag’s posts, I feel intimidated. They are enlightened and some of them are further along in their journey, true.

I understand your reluctance to post your thoughts, but you can start small. When you see something that applies to you, write about how it applies to you and what you think about it, or ask a question.

When I had my affair back in the 70's, there were no resources like SI to turn to and I'm so grateful to have it now. It's helped me and my BS so much in the last few years. I agree that the members you've mentioned have lots of wisdom to share, but I think some of it has been gained by writing their thoughts and asking questions.

All those poster started where you are and they understand your challenges in ways that no one else can. Please try to post more.

Even if it is just to say that you understand what someone else is going through. Knowing you are not alone in your struggles is so comforting when you are in a dark place.

Hurtbeyondtime: I’m curious about what you sense in my posts about hearing entitlement. Can you be more specific, please?

Numb&dumb: thank you and you’re right, it’s comfortimg to know that I’m not alone in a dark place.

And this is a dark, lonely place.

Authenticity is something I’ve never shown as part of my personality. I thought I valued honesty, but that doesn’t come close to how much H values honesty in every relationship, but most importantly, the former central relationship in his life. I cannot fathom living without H and my kids together, but that’s a future I may be living.

I will be taking a polygraph very soon. H is at the end of his rope. I welcome the opportunity to set the record straight.

Badmom9, there is no way, no reason, no how,

should you be reading your BH's posts.

Let it be his place to get help. Not a place to

bring you down. Remember there will be BH's telling

him to divorce you. Though not all of them.

Your reading there does not help your mind set.

Duly noted, old truck, I won’t read his posts anymore.