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Divorce/Separation :
My Detaching Guide

This Topic is Archived
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 Chili (original poster member #35503) posted at 5:07 PM on Friday, April 13th, 2018

Would I get to wear a warlock-ish velvety cloak or anything? If so, feel free to nominate me to the uhh...uhhh....council?

Your words are kind - JFO/General have always seemed to get a lot of attention (especially the unfolding story lines of JFO), but the struggles of people in D/S are really particular I think. That's where I did most of my healing when I was here. Definitely out of the drama - but into some really hard realities. So I try and hang out here most.

[This message edited by Chili at 7:41 PM, April 13th (Friday)]

2012 pretty much sucked.
Things no longer suck.
Took off flying solo with the co-pilot chili dog.
"Life teaches you how to live it if you live long enough" - Tony Bennett

posts: 2242   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: Reality
id 8140495
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BarbsMarbs ( new member #58416) posted at 6:29 PM on Friday, April 13th, 2018

Thank you so much Chilli. I really needed this a long while ago but I was just thrashing round in the dark, bleak space of betrayal. The papers went to the courts today. WH and I agreed to go NC. It's a year since DDay. I've done everything wrong, gone against all the advice and still ended up getting divorced. I'm going to copy your quote and use it on my phone. I spent too long trying to diagnose and fix. I was afraid for him because our kids loved him so much...but he was far from the man we knew. Your words are true and I have laughed out loud and cried during your post. There's still time to reclaim 2018. X

posts: 22   ·   registered: Apr. 24th, 2017
id 8140541
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minusone ( member #50175) posted at 12:41 AM on Monday, April 16th, 2018

Great post.... deserves a re read.

Thank you!

"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better". Maya Angelou

posts: 8372   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8142194
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litost ( member #62616) posted at 7:41 AM on Monday, April 16th, 2018

Thank you, Chili. This post helped me on a really hard day. All the best.

posts: 166   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8142409
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ohforanewme ( member #59230) posted at 11:31 AM on Monday, April 23rd, 2018

Bump because we have had a few "new joiners" over the past week and I found this so useful.

posts: 1249   ·   registered: Jun. 15th, 2017   ·   location: South Africa
id 8147994
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 Chili (original poster member #35503) posted at 5:48 PM on Sunday, May 20th, 2018

Bump by request.

2012 pretty much sucked.
Things no longer suck.
Took off flying solo with the co-pilot chili dog.
"Life teaches you how to live it if you live long enough" - Tony Bennett

posts: 2242   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: Reality
id 8168779
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Honestgirl ( member #55053) posted at 2:47 AM on Monday, May 21st, 2018

Thanks Chili and all the rest who took the time to send me a reply. Detaching actually feels really good.

Peace

Me--52 BS, wallowing in all the stages of grief, finally up to acceptance.
Him--52 WH, SA, NPD XH
M--25 years, together 26 years
3 DS's--22, 19, 14
DDays--2/15, 7/15, 6/16

posts: 339   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2016   ·   location: A new dawn, a new day...
id 8168987
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de.va.sta.ted ( member #22922) posted at 1:21 AM on Wednesday, May 23rd, 2018

bumping so it stays on first page, good for me to read, thank you Chili for posting.

Me: BW Him: WH D-Day 1: February 2009 D-Day 2: April 2018 Divorced!

posts: 1052   ·   registered: Feb. 19th, 2009
id 8170470
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kitty02ckb ( new member #63677) posted at 7:22 PM on Monday, May 28th, 2018

Chili. I think I need to read THIS daily for a while!

Me - BW (41)
Him - WH (43)
16Y M
DDs - 11 & 13
D-day #1 03/03/2017
R #1 (FAKE) - WH never stopped A
D-day #2 08/25/2017
R #2 began 10/2017
WH R w/ AP 03/2018
S started 05/04/18
Status - will soon file for D

posts: 49   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8174332
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CornflakeGirl ( member #47629) posted at 4:05 PM on Tuesday, May 29th, 2018

Chili, thanks for posting. Detaching was the most important thing I have ever done for myself and my children. I am able to parallel parent now with a level head. I never lose my cool with my ex even though he is a douche canoe.

I am happy now because I'll never let somebody project their shitty behavior onto me ever again.

Detaching also leads to choosing a good partner in the future if you are so inclined because you will love yourself and make a good choice!

Me: Former BW, Divorced.
2 young and beautiful children
Oh, I've finally decided my future lies beyond the yellow brick road

posts: 536   ·   registered: Apr. 22nd, 2015
id 8174737
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CornflakeGirl ( member #47629) posted at 4:05 PM on Tuesday, May 29th, 2018

Chili, thanks for posting. Detaching was the most important thing I have ever done for myself and my children. I am able to parallel parent now with a level head. I never lose my cool with my ex even though he is a douche canoe.

I am happy now because I'll never let somebody project their shitty behavior onto me ever again.

Detaching also leads to choosing a good partner in the future if you are so inclined because you will love yourself and make a good choice!

Me: Former BW, Divorced.
2 young and beautiful children
Oh, I've finally decided my future lies beyond the yellow brick road

posts: 536   ·   registered: Apr. 22nd, 2015
id 8174738
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 Chili (original poster member #35503) posted at 3:32 AM on Friday, July 6th, 2018

Bump by request

2012 pretty much sucked.
Things no longer suck.
Took off flying solo with the co-pilot chili dog.
"Life teaches you how to live it if you live long enough" - Tony Bennett

posts: 2242   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: Reality
id 8200774
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Redhill ( new member #64117) posted at 3:52 AM on Friday, July 6th, 2018

I find what I need to get through the day in unexpected ways. Logged in tonight to find it, thank you.

posts: 5   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2018
id 8200783
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Dragonfly123 ( member #62802) posted at 8:00 AM on Sunday, July 8th, 2018

Chilli read this back in in the very early stages and took so much from it. Have just reread it now and making note of different advice now. So in the last two months I'm clearly making progress in 'detaching' myself from the cheater in my life. I can now manage NC, I no longer try to diagnose him, I have amazingly supportive friends and family (including my wonderful inlaws), I'm rediscovering myself and boy can I list his faults and failings in the marriage. BUT I think the most difficult part for me and maybe the last vestiges of attachment is dwelling on what he's thinking and feeling. When I stop doing that I can truly say I'm in the nivana state of 'meh'.

Thank you again Chilli, it's posts like this that I come back too on a blue day!

When you can’t control what’s happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening. That’s where the power is.

posts: 1636   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2018
id 8201895
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 Chili (original poster member #35503) posted at 4:42 PM on Tuesday, August 21st, 2018

Bumping by request

2012 pretty much sucked.
Things no longer suck.
Took off flying solo with the co-pilot chili dog.
"Life teaches you how to live it if you live long enough" - Tony Bennett

posts: 2242   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: Reality
id 8233435
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Lawyerman ( member #61021) posted at 6:00 PM on Tuesday, August 21st, 2018

Chili. Do you write? I would buy any book you wrote. Especially if the title was 'Assclown'.

posts: 919   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2017
id 8233472
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ninon ( member #62940) posted at 6:29 PM on Tuesday, August 21st, 2018

TYSM--I needed to reread this. Chili: Can you speak to how you worked with the most difficult parts of this path? Like, the times when doubt and grief screamed at you (I am fine when I'm angry...)? I am 9 months out and last night found myself in more pain than I'd been in since early, early days.

[This message edited by ninon at 2:15 PM, August 21st (Tuesday)]

BS
DDay + abandonment: Nov. 26, 2017
Married 9 years, together 13
1 child, 9
D in progress; narcissistic WS without remorse

posts: 181   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018
id 8233493
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litost ( member #62616) posted at 12:48 AM on Sunday, August 26th, 2018

Thank you, Chili, for all the effort you put into helping people around here. It's like flickers of lights coming back on.

posts: 166   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8236135
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 Chili (original poster member #35503) posted at 4:13 AM on Sunday, August 26th, 2018

Hey Ninon:

Sorry - I just saw your question from a few days ago.

The 6-9 month time period was difficult for me as well. It was like I had everything lined up logistically to move on and had taken huge steps, but other parts weren't catching up the way I wanted them to.

It was almost like the "real" reality was setting in.

I worked very hard with my IC to come up with ways to retrain my brain and how I was going to write the narrative of this trauma. The pain and grief of someone doing what they did was so...intense sometimes. What I slowly started to do included finding new mantras that focused on me and my future. I gave myself permission to be selfish. In all kinds of good ways. That was first. A bit of a fuck 'em attitude.

And then, I had to figure out what I could take from this experience and use in a positive way. I think I'm a healthier and "better" person on the other side of that mess and it was extremely important for me to learn to see that. I'm a real listener. I have even deeper empathy. I'm a better friend. I think I can help people going through infidelity in ways that most others can't. I recognize and appreciate genuine love of all kinds. And I know that whatever life decides to bat me around with the next time, I'll be even more prepared.

See - being able to take from it and become a more powerful Chili on the other side ultimately weakened any power that experience had to take me out at the knees.

And I'm really not trying to be flip when I say it takes time. I'll also say it takes practice. Lots of practice to put *it* (the affair, him, the pain, the grief), in its right place. But that's the ultimate goal of detaching and healing I think.

I'm not sure if I'm answering your question very well...but I think the stage you're going through is so very expected. Hang in there ninon.

2012 pretty much sucked.
Things no longer suck.
Took off flying solo with the co-pilot chili dog.
"Life teaches you how to live it if you live long enough" - Tony Bennett

posts: 2242   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: Reality
id 8236189
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ninon ( member #62940) posted at 5:13 AM on Sunday, August 26th, 2018

Chili,

Thank you for your reply. It means so much that you and other survivors visit the board, and share your experiences healing and rebuilding. The narrative aspect of this is perhaps the hardest for me. SBTX exploited his knowledge of my deepest fears and vulnerabilities to not only discard me, but to declare me fundamentally disposable. I, too, am working with my therapist on this. Can I ask what your 'selfish'/'fuck you' period looked like? I am doing a lot of self-care stuff, but still feel mostly lonely and bereft when my son isn't with me.

Thanks again!

BS
DDay + abandonment: Nov. 26, 2017
Married 9 years, together 13
1 child, 9
D in progress; narcissistic WS without remorse

posts: 181   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018
id 8236208
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