SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We are humans and we are flawed. We have emotions that sometimes we can't control.

This sounds good when trying to forgive yourself and a spouse for adultery. Yes, we are flawed. I know we have all sinned in some form or fashion. We sometimes lose control of our emotions. If you read here long enough you can feel the pain. But know this. This statement is incorrect. We do not have to commit such sins. Adultery is a conscious choice. Just because we have flaws or do not remain in control of our emotions does not mitigate our conscience choice to break our vows and the subsequent betrayal of first ourselves and then our spouse.

Our faith (and for those that do not believe, their vows) demand more. Some of us deliver. We all do not break our vows. Many spouses will not ever commit adultery. Others that have done the work and healed never will commit adultery again.

Rationalizing infidelity by stating we are all humans and we sometimes have emotions we cannot control is nothing more than making an excuse for breaking marital vows. It does not recognize the tragedy and horrific destruction such acts cause to the betrayed spouse and the family. Infidelity produces hell on earth for the vast majority of us.

This and similar statements deny us our choice to act in a moral fashion. Such nice statements regarding the condition of man will not get any traction here or with me. These statements and those of similar ilk in my opinion provide the rationale to commit adultery the first time. What is to prevent additional breaking of the marital vows? I am human, I sin, I confess now God forgives me will not play here with me. Following the tenets of our faith will.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 2:27 AM, July 27th (Friday)]

I do feel that she is wanting to make it work. Even when I talked to the OM I felt the same thing from him. Are they sorry they did it or hatbyhey got caught? Time will tell with that. All I can do is go by what’s going on right now and what I’ve been told.

This is just words uttered by the three of you and are meaningless. I suggest you read about boundaries and consequences in the healing library. Do not let time tell! They will be back engaged in wayward behavior or cheating. Seize the narrative! When your wayward wife and the other man had it they engaged in a two year adulterous affair. You do not go by what you are told. You and your wife must establish boundaries to safe guard the marriage. To save the marriage you must protect it.

The other man must be extricated from your marriage. He has to go. Why place this burden on your wife. You do not place people in temptation. You must avoid it if possible. If they never see each other again, how can they ever commit adultery?

Intimate feelings and the wayward mindset do not resolve themselves overnight or with a few words. They already tried to stop the cheating time and again from your posts but chose not to.

You do not engage in behaviors that will damage the marriage. You protect it. If the fellow that had sex with your wife was all you make him out to be he would have already told his wife and informed the both of you there cannot be any future contact between him and your wife. If they ever have contact they would immediately notify his wife and you. Anything less is making a grave error.

Please one of you three tell the other betrayed spouse about the affair. She very likely will enforce no contact after the requirement is discussed with her since you three do not seem to understand its importance nor want to enforce it.

Read scripture of your faith. (I am trying not to get in trouble with our mods.) Example after example is presented about such matters.

I implore you to put your faith into action. If your wife has similar beliefs she should as well. Two of the most influential individuals I have had in my life experienced infidelity in their marriage and reconciled. Their teaching within my faith have proven invaluable to me as I navigate through the labyrinth of infidelity.

Nobody here wants your marriage to fail. We want what is best for you and your family. You will find many marriages here that were rocked by infidelity only to survive and become better than they were before. I know some messages are difficult to hear. They challenge us and our thinking. Sometimes it is not what we want to hear, but is what we need. I can promise you the collective wisdom of addressing infidelity and reconciliation found at SI will be of immense value to you and your family.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 7:27 AM, July 27th (Friday)]

excellent posts Ripped.

How do you get close to "god" if you are putting obs in jeopardy and not telling her the truth?.

Because you don't want her to feel pain? You have to understand that the pain she will feel is not because of you, is because of him and your wife.

Just so you know all of us here were at risk of stds because ws decided to go out of the marriage. Some of us are lucky to not get it.

Do the right thing, I'm speaking for myself but it think most of us if not all, wanted someone to tell us that there was somebody else in our marriage.

AP could be a predator, like I say i've seem many of them twisting their tongue with bible verses and getting involved with many married woman of faith.

Lastly his wife could be always wondering why her marriage is not working and is blaming herself.

Don't be afraid that telling obs will cause your wife to go to him, because he will likely be available now. Tell the truth, it will heal you and you will have more probabilities of actually having a successful R. You are not doing it for vengeance, you are doing it because is the right thing to do.

As others have said you are a noble man and I commend you for it. And I truly wish that you find the happiness you deserve.

However, here are my comments on this (and sorry for the harsh language):

With regard to what you could have done better in your marriage, if I had a penny for every married person who had/has those very same problems I would be a billionaire. Not everyone jumps into the sack with someone else. So you really need to separate these two things i.e. you lacking in your marriage contributions (just as I am sure she was too) AND her fucking your best friend for emotional support.

Next, with regard to attributing 100% of the blame for the affair to her (and the POSOM) you have to do much more than that. It goes without saying that she is responsible for cheating (I hate calling it an affair - it dignifies it too much). What you really need to do is understand the mindset and lack of morals it takes to not be happy with your marriage and then go and seduce (and get seduced by) another man, go to bed with him, remove clothes, maybe even remove wedding rings and then have deep, intimate sexual relations with him - it takes a special non-caring person to do that. So please don't put her back up on any pedestals - you really need to see clearly here. I understand that you love her etc but if she loved you she would never do this. She satisfied her primal urges her way with no care for you or family.

She has very successfully got you blaming yourself and even her "remorse" is designed to make you blame yourself. Do not fall for this!!!

If you take her back, know what you are taking back.

You can be sure that

- they loved and enjoyed the sex

- they had no care for you or families

- they were acting disrespectfully, selfishly and amorally;

This went on for 2 years - this is a mini marriage in its own right - I bet she apologised to him for having sex with you during this time. So again, please open your eyes - I am a man of faith too, but I am not blind.

I do wish you all the luck in the world.

Does the BOW know yet?

I think you need to examine your own personal narrative around this whole disaster of your marriage.

Others have said you have codependent characteristics. I think they are correct and I think it is imperative that you learn about codependency and how it is harmful to both you and your relationship.

Codependency is a way of putting YOURSELF on a pedestal as the helper, the good person, the knight in shining armor, the one who rises above, who forgives those who hurt them, who takes a lickin and keeps on tickin.... you get my drift.

Your image of yourself, as who you are, in relationship to your wife, becomes so unbalanced and unhealthy that the relationship becomes dysfunctional.

Oh, you take responsibility for your actions? How noble.

Do you also REQUIRE your wife take responsibility for her actions? No? Well, that's not kindness. That's actually harmful to her. You stepping up and forgiving her so easily makes it too easy for her to never do the hard work required to face her shameful behavior and take corrective action.

You cannot nice her back into wholesome, honest integrity.

You being nice and forgiving about this actually sets her up to never make herself whole and never repair her own character flaws. And for you to live with someone who then has no honor.

I'm sorry if this is a 2x4 but I was the worst kind of codependent and I realized that my WH was in part the way he was because I allowed it. I allowed him to emotionally abuse me, betray my trust, and tear my life apart. I couldn't reconcile with him because he wouldn't fix himself. And I wasted years hoping and trying to do his work for him so that I could have my marriage back.

I was the strong one. The honest one, the forgiving one. And I got USED. Somehow, I thought that made me a better person but all it did was send me into the worst depression ever.

God could never condone sin. Lying is a sin. Not telling the truth by omission is lying....

Boomer45,I am in a very similar situation that you are in. My D day was about 6 weeks ago. An everyone will tell you to leave her and file for a D. I have been with my wife for over 2 decades and despite what everyone else said I didn't file. I did see an attorney to be prepared for the options, but I knew in my heart that this was a last resort. What I had to ask myself was 2 things...Am I happier with her, or without her? Then the second question is Can I get over her affair and forgive her? I am much happier with her..so the only way I could see myself forgiving her and trying to reconcile was to have her breakdown and cry and admit to her wrong doings and apologize. My wife is a hard ass and she finally broke down. That being said we are working on the marriage. I was very self centered and an alcoholic..I put myself in AA and have not had a sip in several weeks. We have also focused on making God the center of our life. The thought of her with another man just kills me, but she was on her way out the door with her "exit affair" strategy. She thought I would leave her, but I didn't. Have you thought of going to retouvaille? Look it up, it caan be very helpful and is probably in your area. Wish you the best of luck. Oh and one other thing I did was to place my trust in God and let him guide me.