SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Reading this was hard. My heart goes out to you having to hear all of that. At least she gave you the details you asked for, that is a start. It took my husband over a year to give me all the true details. Made it ten times more painful by lying and hiding the truth. Details hurt, but I needed to know. Hearing your spouse tell you those things can make you feel like you are being gutted alive.

Honestly, it doesn’t matter if she orgasmed or not. She was in a fantasy world where she felt like a sex goddess. The sex was fun because she got lots of compliments and attention. It was all about her. She was addicted to the high of feeling sexy and wanted and dirty. She got quantity over quality. I know it is hard on you. The mind movies are horrendous, but it really wasn’t about you at all. It was about her and her insecurities.

BH seem to be hurt if AP has a bigger penis. I know for many men, that seems to be what they think is a measure of their manliness or performance in bed. For what it is worth, I feel (as do all the girls friends I have ever discussed with) that unless it is extremely small, it doesn’t matter. I know there are some women who care, but most do not. I know it sounds cheesy, but what makes a man is his character and how he handles himself in life. What makes a great performance in bed has to do with the connection the people have, how attentive the guy is to the woman’s needs, if they have the same sexual preferences, enjoy each other, etc. A lot of it is mental buildup too. Please don’t dwell on the penis size, it really means very little and is not a measure of a man at all. You are hurt and trying to find something about you that would make her want to do this. You won’t find anything because it wasn’t about you. It is about her brokenness and dysfunction.

Please take care of yourself. Get some help from a therapist. The hurt stage is just downright awful to live through. The anger phase is a bit easier because it is focused outwards at the proper person, but scary. You will probably see a side of yourself you did not know existed. You may say and do things you never thought possible. This will get a lot worse before it gets better for you, but it will get better. Try not to lose yourself in this shitstorm.

MMIW,

My heart hurts for what you are going through.

We have all been through this and it hurts like hell.

Please do not compare yourself to the OM piece of shit!

He is a fukin dog!!!

It doesn’t matter what size his dick was, it really doesn’t because your wife didn’t screw him because he had a big dick or a small dick. She was looking for something to fill a void that was broken within HER!

I can tell you as a woman that has had a few different partners before I got married, penis size has NOTHING to do with the kind of lover that a man is. I have had men that were larger than my husband but no man has ever satisfied me as completely as my husband does.

You will drive yourself crazy with the comparisons and mind movies. It is not worth it!

Please focus on getting into IC to help yourself heal from her infidelity.

Whether she decides to work on this marriage or not, you still need to heal and move forward. With or without her.

It was never about you my friend, it is all her brokenness.

Please take care of yourself.

During my military career I knew of a man whose wife had a 6 month affair (just for sex because it was exciting and new she said). It wasn't a deal breaker for him but he did tell her that she now owed him a six month affair, with another woman, just for the sex. He told her he may have the affair in a month, or maybe a year, or five years, or he may never have it. It was up to her. Last I heard he hadn't had the affair yet. After 27 years of being faithful she owes you sex with another woman at least 50 times. Now people on SI will tell you that revenge sex is a no-no. After 27 years you are justified if it will reestablish your confidence in yourself and help you sexually. I have said before that after 45 years of danger and violence (my two careers had plenty of both) that I never purposely try to hurt anyone. But if they purposely hurt me I become hurt, then angry and become a vengeful SOB, all in about 60 seconds, and then all bets are off. Even if you never have an affair she still needs to know that she opened the door to the possibility. Her actions, her consequences.

What are her true feelings about what she has done to you? Is it "I will do anything to try and make this right if you give me another chance" or is it "I'm sorry and I won't do it again so let's forget about it". Marriage is a two way street. She deserves the best you can give her and you deserve the exactly same thing. Quit being passive and get angry. I told you that no one can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission. Don't give her that permission. You appear to be more worried about losing your business than anything. If she hasn't woke up then you need to wake her up. Many, many years ago,(we were in about our 15th year of marriage) my wife and I were having a very rough patch in our marriage. With all that had happened we were arguing and fighting a lot. I finally reached the point where one day, during a heated discussion (lol), I reached that point. I crossed my arms, leaned against the kitchen counter, and said, "Enough already. Let's just call the lawyers and get this over with." It was the first time she had ever heard me make such a remark. She knew me and knew I wasn't bluffing. It changed everything. We talked for hours and life has been very good since. You have to reach the point I did where paying alimony and child support wasn't as important as being happy. Stop being passive and self-deprecating and do something positive for yourself. I do wish you well.