SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm going to write as if what follows are facts, because it's easier that way, but it's almost all opinion.

It's not that healing is mutually exclusive to D or R. I think of it this way: One can...

heal and R

heal and D

not heal and R

not heal and D

I think perhaps the bigger choice facing a BS is to use the opportunity to take charge of his own life or not ... and I guess I think one can't take charge of one's life without healing.

So what's healing?

IMO it's learning to accept the A without defining oneself as a Victim in a Drama Triangle. Another way of saying it is that healing is the process of reclaiming authenticity after being betrayed by one's partner.

What does look like IRL?

It's really hard to see unless you can see deep into someone's being. R could be healthy, when it's a conscious choice based on seeing that the WS is willing to do the necessary work, but it could be unhealthy, for example if the BS can't/won't let himself consider D or if the BS ignores the fact that the WS talks nice but acts nasty.

D can be healthy, for example, when a BS determines the WS is not a candidate for R, but it could be unhealthy, for example, when the BS chooses D as a way to avoid dealing with his pain.

'Cause the pain at first comes from being betrayed, and every BS has to deal with that pain.

(A false R dumps even more pain on the BS, of course. IMO, if a BS heals some and observes his WS for a decent period, he's a lot less likely to open himself up to false R than if he commits to R based only on sweet talk and on his own desire to R.)

I don't mean to offend anyone here. I'm not arguing for or against D or R. I'm arguing for BSes to do what they need to do to become their best selves and to live their most authentic lives.

A subtext, I admit, is that I do believe some members have sold themselves out by trying to avoid their pain, which IMO is impossible to do.

I don't mean that as criticism. Rather, I mean it as a call to them to look inside, figure out the kind of life they really want to live, and then take action towards living the life they want.

Note that I came of age during the '60s....

Hi Sisson,

This is helping me separate the past from the future. My counselor said to make sure I practice mindfulness. When I am going down the dark road in the midst of trying to reconcile, I literally have to tell myself that it is PAST. I have to deep breath and calm my heart down. I try and remember that we are in this as a TEAM. If I don't have the TEAMWORK mentality, I find myself stuck in the betrayal that my spouse did. It really is a mindset. I will say my spouse is doing ALL the right things to move towards trusting and all my boundaries are being kept. I truly have seen a change of heart and behavior so this has certainly helped avoid the past/future pull. I hope your spouse is working hard too!!

Brainfreeze and sisoon

Your posts are great. Thank you both so very much. I have a bit of work to do to get over this bump.

Btw Brainfreeze,

.I need to forgive my wife. R or D. I don't want to drag that anger around for the remainder of my life.

I needed to become more independent. R or D.

I needed to modify my relationship habits R or D.

I needed to loose the anxiety about not being with my wife and realize that she was going to do whatever she was going to do. I had no control over that. I needed to do that R or D.

I needed to control my triggers... R or D.

I'm going to go ahead and claim these as mine.

Also, I guess I missed the point on this but ironically have been living it. I'm really foggy and frazzled lately. This has changed me forever. I better make the best of this new man I have become. So yes, R or D, I will get better.

I don't post much, mostly just read but i had to say thank you to all for this post. To me, it's just another layer to the shit sandwich...regardless of R or D....i have to heal myself from this trauma/betrayals. Only I can do this. Maybe he can help but it's really all on me.

I'm losing hope that healing is possible while still being married. I have to put myself and my healing in front of my fears! He doesn't have much more time to catch up.

I know what you mean, my wife seemed so happy, working out eating healthy, always laughing and just generally in positive mood. Now she complains about the weight she put on, we have happy moments, but like skating on thin ice, always waiting for the right to come up. I never bring up the cheating, but she is always accusing me of it, when it was her who actually did it. She swears he didn't make her happy, that I do, it was just a fling two times only and it will never happen again, but I still look at her and wonder who she is, cuz I don't know her anymore. Almost two years and it hasn't left, the triggers, the memories, i get sometimes where I just can't take it, but my kids keep me moving forward, anything and everything for them.

She swears he didn't make her happy, that I do, it was just a fling two times only and it will never happen again, but I still look at her and wonder who she is, cuz I don't know her anymore.

This could be part of the problem. Even saying you make her happy can be unhealthy. Unquestionably, her AP made her happy and that's the problem. Other people, whether it's you or her AP during the affair. She has to create a happy life for herself and the ability to share it with you her husband, makes it even more satisfying and a personification of matrimony.

STBXH - Don't give me any credit... Sisoon is the one that verbalized the idea...

I just gave examples from my "story"... what I thought Sisoon was saying.. .