SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Now I see some folks have said they don't accept the psychology of how an affair can start - well absolutely, a person is not forced to drop their panties, but the classic of one person feeling unloved confiding in another who exploits it is an old, old story which I've seen before myself. But anyway, as I said, that's not excusing the betrayal.

You may not be using your time of (very understandable) distraction as an excuse for the betrayal but you are indeed using it to soften the blow and feel like you have some sort of control over the whole sad ordeal. You say that had you behaved more lovingly or been more engaged she would have not cheated. You mention the slippery slope of confiding in a person who is not your partner and how things like this happen. Well, you are correct about that - things like that do happen, but not because you were pre-occupied with being a responsible adult. It happened because your wife made hundreds of little decisions to make it happen. It happened because your wife wanted it to happen.

It is still early in your infidelity trek and you are still trying to understand how your partner and love could have done this horrible thing. You are still fresh in the misery. It a raw and brutal time.

We all understand the comfort that exerting your strength and intimidating skills to the OM brought. You are desperate to shift into a position of power. We have ALL been there. We all wanted to feel like we could control the ultimate outcome. You cannot change that your wife made unilateral decisions about your marriage and may still.

Let me offer just two suggestions. First, tell his wife. Her life is a lie and you can remedy that with one call. It is the compassionate and honorable thing to do. Second, try and understand that your life is forever changed and slow down. Fight the urgency to fix this and the urgency to get back to the way it was because that will not happen. The process of truly grasping all that has transpired is very long and sadly, it will take months to understand. You will get to the other side - but you still have many stages to weather. How you truly shift into a power position is by giving yourself space and time to decide what will give you the most peace and the best future. But this can only happen when you are not as wounded and reeling.

Keep posting and reading. I know that these many comments can be difficult to stomach but there really is great collective wisdom on these boards. And please know that everyone who takes the time to pound out a post truly cares about you and your broken heart.

the classic of one person feeling unloved

A person committed to marriage, in that circumstance, talks to his/her spouse about feeling unloved and tries to find a solution.

A person with a cheating heart withdraws from the spouse and confided in another, leading to an A.

As to not informing the BOW, that is a dishonorable decision.

Doing good, Greyman.

Hang in there.

I should probably answer those of you who think I went easy on the guy. Because of my "background" and previous profession, my wife had already warned him that I'd easily take him down and possibly kill him if I want to - I did warn him when I spoke to him that too and I could actually hear he was scared sh**less and he said yes, both he and my WW said that my WW had warned him it was a real possibility - it was at that point he started swearing NC. In reality, he's not worth going to jail for of course.... but He doesn't know that. Despite the drama I had to suppress a smile when I heard the quiver in his voice and frantic apologizing.

I beat up my fWW's boyfriend and all I got from it was a night in jail and a misdemeanor assault on my permanent record. You did the right thing holding back. Believe me, beating the hell out of the guy would not have solved anything and you would NOT feel any better.

The reason you would not feel any better is because the real scoundrel here is that faithless wife you are married to. She's the one who deserves the brunt of your rage. The OM was just a random punk your WW chose to have an affair with. Had it not been him it would have been someone else. Your WW did this. The OM was just the vehicle she used to do it.

As for telling his W, I'm not interested as long as he stays NC. I think he's more scared of me killing him than he is his W!

Lame. This woman may be living a lie and you would be allowing her to live that lie and be unknowingly taken advantage of by her worthless POS husband. I think you have a moral obligation here to tell her.

So to answer some of the other questions, my WW confessed to me unprompted and said she could not take the guilt, and that's why she was telling me.

Bullcookies. She was afraid the OM or someone who knew of the affair was getting ready to rat her out. She needed to control the narrative in order to reduce the damage, so she told you. I can guarantee you got the watered-down version of events.

Now I see some folks have said they don't accept the psychology of how an affair can start - well absolutely, a person is not forced to drop their panties, but the classic of one person feeling unloved confiding in another who exploits it is an old, old story which I've seen before myself.

There are thousands of unhappy married people who feel unloved in their marriages who don't have affairs. Your WW had an affair because she has crap for personal boundaries and a broken compass.