SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It would probably be a good idea to wear a VAR on you when you are with her. Her behavior has shown that she would be perfectly OK with falsely accusing you of domestic violence.

^^^^ THIS^^^^

Protect yourself.

Wear a VAR and don't let her know. (if that is legal where you are).

If she is accusing you of rape and abuse, you need this. And hard proof that you are innocent.

If it's not legal to record her without her knowing (some states are two-party consent states) then simply tell her that you will be recording all conversations from here on out since she's threatened domestic violence, and you refuse to talk with her any further without that protection. If she continues to talk/yell at you, she has consented.

It's really confidence inspiring when you watch a TV show and one of the characters, who blatantly cheats on her husband and is caught on video doing it, is called a "badass" by your wife. As in...she is a serious badass...

Who is this person I am married to. This is not the woman I married.

This is followed by her discussing how being a sugar baby is not prostitution when another character is getting money from a man in exchange for sex....

Where did my wife go.

It's really confidence inspiring when you watch a TV show and one of the characters, who blatantly cheats on her husband and is caught on video doing it, is called a "badass" by your wife. As in...she is a serious badass...

This is followed by her discussing how being a sugar baby is not prostitution when another character is getting money from a man in exchange for sex....

Where did my wife go.

Reading your update it appears she has been gone quite a awhile.

If you bother to have another conversation with her perhaps present all that used sexy lingerie that you yourself have never seen, Ask her point blank who was it for?

She seems quit e adept at gas lighting you, throwing tantrums etc. Stay smart and keep a VAR with you all the time.

This is followed by her discussing how being a sugar baby is not prostitution when another character is getting money from a man in exchange for sex....

Well, I guess you know how she's paying for her trip abroad now.

I wanted to say thanks to those who offered advice.

My wife and I have had some serious talks...some fights...some talks.

A lot of things are clear as mud. I think she has serious depression. She has said that she has zero hope for her life or the future and she is willing to divorce me and "set me free" even though she will have to live in a trailer park on government assistance.

My thought is that she wouldn't be in a trailer park...as she must have a plan for that.

I've got no idea what is going on in her head. Her version of our history isn't wrong...but it isn't how it actually happened either.

We have M counseling today. I had to set it up, she wouldn't do it...but she wanted to go. I asked for a counselor that was going to be brutally honest and call BS on BS. I'm not expecting much today.

She has functionally said she doesn't see sex as a requirement in marriage and that she "just doesn't feel like BJs are something she ever wants to do again"...which is insane to me.

I just want my wife back. There is so much at stake here and it feels like I'm the only one that can see it.

[This message edited by Unbroken78 at 5:03 PM, March 4th (Monday)]

IN essence you are still in limbo. You are the only one that can keep yourself there.

From your posts you are the only one working on the marriage. Unless she changes you will have a failure.

You can't make her

She has functionally said she doesn't see sex as a requirement in marriage and that she "just doesn't feel like BJs are something she ever wants to do again"...which is insane to me.

This is very typical when a WW is being "faithful" to her AP, here's a better translation: she just doesn't want to have sex with YOU, I hate to be blunt but your M is dead, accept it and detach, it takes 2 people to R even in the best of circumstances and yours is very far from being one, end this nightmare and save yourself from years of more heartbreak, life's too short. File for D and have her served without warning, if you have a remote chance at R, it's by filing and see if D papers shock her back to reality, if not, just let it run its course.

perhaps gently suggest she sees a doctor for what appears to be depression?

Are you fucking kidding me. That has affair written all over it.

What you are describing is a woman who has lost herself to SHAME.

Her depression and despair is rooted in acting against her own integrity (cheating, lying). She has lost touch with her values. That is why you sense that she is "gone." She has lost herself.

There is no question that this woman has had an A, and the shame has gotten the best of her. She is engaging all the typical defenses: 1) lying to herself (denial); 2) gas-lighting/lying to you (protecting her own denial and warding off consequences); 3) blame-shifting (re-writing marital history) and; 4) wallowing in self-pity (to avoid accountability).

Unfortunately, without proof, it will be hard to force her to face reality. And until she faces reality, her private shame-prison will be her home. And you will be stuck sharing it with her.

Honesty is her only hope, here. Nothing will get better for her until the truth outs.

I doubt MC is going to help. My WH and I were in MC for months after his A and he stuck to his story like glue. Nothing moved until I finally found proof and he was forced to come clean.

Really, I only see two options for you:

1) Dig much harder. Pull out all the stops until you have some evidence. (This is what I did.)

2) Find the confidence to state to her that you know with absolute certainty that she has cheated on you. That it is obvious, and that she is insulting your intelligence by asking you to believe otherwise. That all you need to know now is whether protecting this secret is worth letting you walk out the door forever. That you love her, and maybe you can both find redemption, if she can show you that she values you more than the lies she's been telling herself.

But you have to be fully prepared to actually walk. It might all come crashing down, and force her into reality, once you're headed for the door.

As we say so often here, with infidelity, you have to be prepared you lose your M to save it.

Best of luck, I KNOW the Hell you're in.

I appreciate it.

I have suspected an A for a while.

The problem is this- I've done the digging and she has wiped her digital footprint cleaner than a professional hacker. Formatted devices, new e-mail accounts, and so on.

If I had to guess....I think she had an A years ago when I was away and she has destroyed any proof of it.

What we are experiencing is the legacy of it.

I've tried to confront her about it and she is adamant that there is no such thing and she never did...that it's my fault the M is dead because I did or didn't do XYZ over the years (yes I see how that looks).

The hard reality is that she is going to have to grow some integrity. I have asked the MC to specifically address integrity, honesty, transparency, double standards, and fact based history. I told them that I need a MC that is hard nosed and who will call BS on BS.

We'll see how it goes. I'm about out of options on my end. Any proof has long sense gone. It's never going to show up. I still have a few tidbits that point strongly towards an A...one in particular that she thinks she deleted but I have a copy of from some years back...but it doesn't say "I had sex with person X"...it's more of a "I want to meet up with you when I'm back in town, I love you and miss you" to a guy from where she used to live. He shot her down...I have the e-mail. She thinks she deleted it everywhere, but she didn't.

I can pull it out and play that card...but it's not proof of anything as she will just say they are "old friends" and that she says that to everyone...which is kinda true as she does tell all her friends "love you" type salutations on e-mail.

She isn't going to break because of that e-mail.

It's a hard one...as I can't fully prove what I am pretty sure is true.

Limbo sucks.

I want to meet up with you when I'm back in town, I love you and miss you" to a guy from where she used to live. He shot her down...I have the e-mail. She thinks she deleted it everywhere, but she didn't.

If she did this behind your back and has been on a deleting spree for years now, you have proof of infidelity. Those who don't have nothing to hide, hide nothing, tell her that married people have sex period, but please infidelity aside, again your M is dead and you deserve much better, she didn't even want to look for an MC herself, she doesn't want to put the effort to R, just have her served with D papers to see if that shocks her back to reality, if not, just let her go.

IDK. I don't see this as necessarily A behavior. Definitely, something is going in. The only wanting sex once a month could very well be her age and ovulation cycle. I really only desire sex when I am fertile. I'm 48, almost 49. Otherwise, meh. This all could be perimenopause, depression, decreased libido. There's actually medication for that for women. Put that together with her other health issues and I can see sex not being desirable. Remember, sex is nowhere near as important to most women as it is to men.

I am friends with my ex and my oldest child's dad, 2 different people, on Facebook. We don't interact on there. But, my fwh is not blocked from my FB account.

Not saying you shouldn't do something. Just saying I don't know that I would jump straight to an A.

MC is done for the day...

We actually did IC with separate counselors.

It was ok...but kinda short. Generic, kinda basic with a follow up appointment in 4 weeks.

Not really thrilled with it...nothing's better...nothing's worse.

Counselor was a nice enough guy but it was just too much to unpack in an hour and he doesn't have another opening for about a month.

I'm not exactly sure what counseling is supposed to do...it shouldn't be that hard to just sit down and talk things out IMO. I know that's naive but it seems like adults should be able to just sit down and talk.

FML.

IDK. I don't see this as necessarily A behavior. Definitely, something is going in. The only wanting sex once a month could very well be her age and ovulation cycle. I really only desire sex when I am fertile. I'm 48, almost 49. Otherwise, meh. This all could be perimenopause, depression, decreased libido. There's actually medication for that for women. Put that together with her other health issues and I can see sex not being desirable. Remember, sex is nowhere near as important to most women as it is to men.

I am friends with my ex and my oldest child's dad, 2 different people, on Facebook. We don't interact on there. But, my fwh is not blocked from my FB account.

Not saying you shouldn't do something. Just saying I don't know that I would jump straight to an A.

I'm kinda there too.

Frankly...there's just a lot to unpack. There are some other background issues at play that could say not an A.

She has serious health problems...that could easily cause major depression.

Kids...serious issues, 2 special needs kids...major energy drain...super stress.

Life is kinda hard...$$$ issues...unstable lifestyle due to my job where we have to move frequently...so super stress.

She has functionally been alone for several years of our M due to my deployments and workups. Even when I was home, back when Iraq was rolling, I wasn't really "home" in my head. I wasn't gone...but I had a hard time being home when the fight was on. She said that she feels like she was a single mom for about 5 years. That disconnect is real and I own a lot of it. War was a drug I mainlined at the expense of my family.

Like I said...I don't know what I don't know but I have real suspicion.

Unbroken:

When you get to be sick and tired of being sick and tired, you will end the limbo.

You clearly aren't there yet.

I'm not sure why.

Unbroken, it ends when you say it ends.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news.

What kind of evidence do you need?

There's no law forcing either one of you to stay together.

A polygraph and or well hidden VAR would give you the answers you desire.

With that being said, I'm sorry you are going through this. You sound like I did when I just couldn't believe my Christian wife would do it.

All my friends saw it, but I didn't see the forest for the trees.

Don't be me.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 4:14 AM, March 5th (Tuesday)]

Ah, military life. I know it well. Been living it for 17 years. Until recently, my fwh was gone about half of our marriage. I know that disconnect. It's hard to reconnect when you are repeatedly separated for long periods time. My fwh would, understandably, want to jump in the sack as soon as he got home. I couldn't do it. I had to get to know him again. And, there were times when we didn't have time to really reconnect before he was gone again. I also know that cheating is a big fear in the military. It's a very stressful life.

I did not read this thread till today.

I cannot believe that you did not use a VAR in your

WW's car. Or did not run a recovery program on her

phone. Or install a key logger on the PC. Or hire a

PI.

Tell your WW that to forward whether a divorce or a

recovery you need the truth WW you have to take a

polygraph test.