SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wool

I’m no psychiatrist, but from your description it sounds like your wife has a form of depression.

Is she agreeing to go to IC? I think it’s not just important to go in order to discuss the sexual assault, but also to help her get a handle on life and how she manages it going forward.

I still don’t like how she acted on Father’s Day, but it’s probably a manifestation of her lack of drive to do anything, especially if she behaves that way with the kids too.

You may have to find a way to get her to IC if she objects. Those w depression find it hard to want to do something to help themselves get better.

It’s hard to arm chair doctor this through a few SI posts, but if it resonates at all with you, repairing your marriage may not happen until she can first get this type of assistance and do the work to help improve herself in this way.

I agree with Bigger. The direct approach is the best. An honest discussion about her getting help to improve how she feels is the place to start.

I know that I'm cynical and I know that if my gut instinct is wrong that I'm a real asshole. I know this completely, you don't have to tell me how terrible this is. I've dealt with a few people who have used this tactic. You're upset about your terrible treatment. They have hurt you and they don't care and don't really want to hear your nonsense and deal with your pain afterwards, but you just won't dammit let it go and stop bothering them with your sads. That makes it too much all about you and that is boring. So, let's drag up something horrible that was done to them and put the focus back where it belongs and get you to STFU with your whining.

I have had that directed at me after DDay with my WH. Some of it was sexual abuse from childhood, some was other trauma that he had endured. I have tons of empathy for what he went through as a child and a teenager. It took me a minute to see that the timing of him telling me these things was designed perfectly to get the focus off my pain and back onto his. Your wife may well be hurting from that trauma and I'm sure my WH was hurting from his trauma, but the timing of his revelations was awfully convenient for him. That's my experience for what it's worth, and it may be way off of what yours is. You know our wife and I don't.

Wool, sorry you are going through this and I can't imagine how you are feeling. I'm no therapist or psychiatrist, but I have to agree that your WW needs to see one. It sounds like she is suffering from depression. From what you have written it sounds like she hasn't pursued this in the past.

None of this excuses her behavior, and it sounds like you have been dealing with this type of treatment/attitude for quite some time. It is up to you to determine how much consideration you give. Only you really know what your life has been like through all of this.

Please keep in mind that this is only my opinion!

My pain doesn't give me permission to cause pain.

I am about 75% sure that I was sexually abused as a child. But I don't want to be 100% sure, so I'm letting sleeping dogs lie. I was more than usually interested in all things sexual from about 12 years old on.

I AM sure that I was raped after being roofied at a party, by one or more men. I brushed it aside and moved on.

My personal prime directive is: Be kind to all (ahimsa).

I post this to let you know that a person can come from abuse AND honor their spouse on Father's Day.

It's possible that your wife has PTSD from abuse AND another problem (selfishness, or on the narcicistic scale)