SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yes I told the OBS “TheGuy123”

[This message edited by isles at 4:26 PM, November 28th (Thursday)]

It would be a really good idea for you to consult with an attorney to find out your rights in the event you decide to Divorce.

It would also be very beneficial for you to find a counselor who specializes in trauma because you have suffered a very significant trauma and will faster and better with some guidance. You deserve to regain your sense of worth and your sense of self. And, it will be better for your children if you are strong emotionally.

Conventional wisdom suggests you talk to your closest friends or relatives, build a support system for yourself. And whatever you do, don't lie for her. This is her mess, let her deal with it. You take care of you. Eat healthy, drink plenty of fluids, exercise, meditate, pray, sing, dance, whatever it takes to keep you living in the present and looking forward to the future.

All the best to you.

Oh, and in case no one else told you yet, this is NOT your fault. This is caused by a character flaw, a lack of morals. NOT your fault, you were faithful and loyal.

Contact an attorney and file for D, at this point you have nothing to work with, EXPOSE her A with All family and close friends and file for D without warning, it takes a long time and can be stopped if she comes around (and that's a big if in your case) and shows true remorse, offers full on demand access to her phone and all her electronic devices and passwords FOREVER, sends an NC Forever text to AP (one that you approve and watch hit send, no sweet goodbyes), commits to IC to find out her whys, accepts 100% blame for her huge betrayal, gets tested for STDs (you should too) and signs a postnuptial agreement in your favor in case she cheats again in the future, only then should you just CONSIDER giving her the gift of R (or NOT!!), otherwise just let D run its course and get out of infidelity.

I think from a Mental point of view my days are just a total cloudy mess one minute I want out of life then I wake up!

One minute I love her then hate her and so many other emotions I say nasty things to spite her that’s not me ......

The worry also is the children she’s sleeping in my 10 year olds bed. I’m not a gentleman for not leaving our bed I’m told.

And still she is denying her A. Denying the calls she made on Tuesday! Unbelievable I heard him!!!!! I heard everything she said. I just can’t believe what is happing in front of me!

And still she is denying her A. Denying the calls she made on Tuesday! Unbelievable I heard him!!!!! I heard everything she said. I just can’t believe what is happing in front of me!

She's playing for a rugsweep. If she lies long enough you'll come around to her plans and drop it.

No I can’t Marz she’s convincing that’s for sure but I’m not a fool.

I am now looking at ways to move forward, she would like an nice amicable split now. I want what’s best for my girls, I just worry about them the most.

The one thing I know is I can’t live with someone who can’t be honest and tell the truth!

Funny when stuff like this happens people come out of the wood work with stories from past. Sadly I lived a lie.

Isles:

Be careful. If your WW is in a hurry perhaps she will be agreeable to a rapid D on your terms. Protect yourself. You didn’t cause any of this. Get a shark lawyer and move forward ASAP. Make sure your oldest knows in an age appropriate manner why you are splitting. Mommy has a bf. Moving forward your WW is going to be in your life for a long time. She has shown you great disrespect and contempt. You set the example for your children how you will allow yourself to be treated. Show your children how to demonstrate strength going through a tough time. Do not accept any disrespect. Just ignore any attempts to drag you down. Keep you4 eye on the prize: getting out of infidelity and away from a cheating WW.

No contact is your friend. Only speak about children and finances. Do not engage with her. It only feeds her ego and she can blameshift. If she starts to rage at you, walk away. She is not your concern anymore. She left the M long ago. She will lash out to hurt you. Go grey rock. Do not engage. Get a separation agreement signed ASAP. Always value yourself. Do not accept disrespect from the one person who vowed to be your faithful partner. Good luck.

Don't be surprised if you find out the NC was a ruse to buy them time to get their plans in place.

Wouldn't be the first time nor will it be the last this trick is played.

Cheaters lie a lot. You don't want to believe it and that always works to their advatage.

Better wake up fully and deal with it on your terms not hers.

I want what’s best for my girls, I just worry about them the most.

Bud, I'm sure your girls wouldn't want you being a martyr for them. Don't lie to them and keep them in the dark. They aren't stupid. All that does is create more anxiety besides no one wants blindsided.

A month on and we both want to try again.

I just have so much in my head which just won’t leave me. So many questions.

I question everything, every photo on the iCloud stream

To what she wears to work and where she goes.

After I last posted much happened, I saw someone about D and I managed to get a mortgage offer. After much talk we decided we decided to give it one last go.

But I’m constantly questioning everything, then this week it blows up with the AP wife. She contacted me, she’s a nice person I respect, after telling lies to my wife saying she has not contacted me she got it out of me a week later. She’ text the AP wife to say it’s time to leave me alone. The following day I had a text from the AP wife explaining her phone had gone missing the day before and hope I had no nasty messages from her phone. I went on to explain that my wife had text, she never had this text when her phone was found.

Cutting a long story short my wife and her exchange texts and she’s been told to leave me alone and that I had told my wife that the AP wife was going on at me I don’t feel this way.

My wife is saying all the right things about us and our future but somethings bothering me again.

So you let your cheating wife text the OBS to tell her to leave you alone. If you didn't "let" her what do you plan to do about it? Would a remorseful cheater who was genuinely sorry about trying to destroy a family feel entitled to do something like that? How do plan to get your wife to respect you again?

Words don't mean much. If she didn't tell you the full truth you have nothing to work with.

If you rugsweep there's a good chance you'll get a repeat.

Your wayward wife can't play you without you letting her.

Has she told you the full truth about the affair? If she has not. Then she is not a safe partner and you are rug sweeping the A. Don't let that happen. The truth should be a condition for R.

[This message edited by WilliamM at 10:16 AM, November 24th (Sunday)]

You're showing an incredible amount of weakness, she hasn't even confessed to the A yet and given you a written timeline of it, you seem to have ignored all the advice given to you here, do that at your own peril, at this point your WW is not a good candidate for R by a very long shot, wake up, demand she takes a polygraph (this may not even be the first time she's cheated) and gets tested for STDs, if you choose to rugsweep this, chances are you will be in for a rude awakening in the future, it takes 2-5 years to overcome infidelity in the best of circumstances with a truly remorseful wife, you know she's still lying to your face so you don't have that, far from it.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 1:05 PM, November 24th (Sunday)]

She’s said she sorry and it was just over the top communication. Never admitted there was any attraction to this guy. He clearly liked her you don’t go sending £65 bunch of follows to another mans wife.

She tells me the 100 calls were over the whole time and not the one month. Without a phone bill it’s hard to know, I’ve asked for that and I’m told she will give to me when we are in a better place.

The OBS is the same as me, she trying again too. You are correct I am weak I’m just struggling to find any strength I feel paralyzed.

I honestly don’t think I’ll get the truth everytime I talk off this I’m told it’s shit talk and we have to move forward.

So all I do is build my own story....

How did your WW know to press you about OBS contacting you? Did OM reach out and give her a heads up? Any form of contact between your WW and OM, no matter how minor, is something you need to know about. They SHOULD be NC period.

It doesn't matter what your WW SAYS. It only matters how she acts and clearly she's still acting like a WW by texting OBS behind your back. You have the right to talk to OBS if you want to for support and to compare notes. If your WW doesn't want you talking to her, it's probably because your WW is worried about what you might find out. You can't R without the truth. Are you sure you have that?

She tells me the 100 calls were over the whole time and not the one month. Without a phone bill it’s hard to know, I’ve asked for that and I’m told she will give to me when we are in a better place.

Big red flag. She wants to try but wants you to suck it up and let her control the narrative?

Bud, get strong and see what is and not what you want to see.

Wake up or you'll liable to get woken up later.

My wife is saying all the right things about us and our future but somethings bothering me again.

Isles - words are cheap, look at your wife’s actions. That is why “something is bothering you.” Her actions are the following:

She tells me the 100 calls were over the whole time and not the one month. Without a phone bill it’s hard to know, I’ve asked for that and I’m told she will give to me when we are in a better place.

As you can see, reconciliation is on HER terms. You have asked for a phone bill so you can have the truth. And what does she do? She refuses to show you the phone bill (why, if there is nothing more than what she’s told you?) And she tells you SHE decides if and when to show you this phone bill. She is NOT trying at all. A WS who tries knows that the truth and transparency are fundamental to reconciliation. A WS who tries wants to be a better person, wants to help their BS regain trust and their internal safety.

It is thanks to this forum that I finally found the courage to demand phone bills and bank statements, 4 months after “the end” of my husband’s affair. And, unsurprisingly, this affair, which had allegedly ended at the beginning of September, was still active until the end of September. One full month of deliberate, calculated backstabbing. I saw this in the phone bills and the bank statements which showed continuing communications and meetings. Demand the phone bills.

I honestly don’t think I’ll get the truth everytime I talk off this I’m told it’s shit talk and we have to move forward.

This is another action: she wants to rugsweep, like the good wayward she is. She does not want to be accountable for her hurtful actions against you and your marriage, she does not want to face what she has done, she wants to silence you, she is still stuck in her selfishness, her arrogance, her dishonesty, her immaturity. Do not rugsweep, and remember: you must be willing to lose your marriage to save it.

Have you read Linda McDonald’s indispensible “How to help your spouse heal from your affair”? It is a short book which you can read in a couple of hours. You will see where your wife is at the moment and where she is taking you.

Be strong Isles, you’re not on your own.

You have to look after #1 and that is you and the girls. WW has to be accountable for her actions. I would think a good polygraph wouldn’t go astray.

They are still trying to remain in contact and have taken the A deep underground. Hence taking the phone and texting the APW.

Start distancing yourself, she will gaslight you and manipulate the situation so to make it all on you.

Cancel all joint accounts take half only. Get checked for STDs and STIs some can be passed in a kiss or finger insertion they didn’t practice safe kissing, hence the aftershave smell and taste.

Good luck

Buffer

Without a phone bill it’s hard to know, I’ve asked for that and I’m told she will give to me when we are in a better place.

The OBS is the same as me, she trying again too. You are correct I am weak I’m just struggling to find any strength I feel paralyzed.

I honestly don’t think I’ll get the truth everytime I talk off this I’m told it’s shit talk and we have to move forward.

So all I do is build my own story....

Why, why, why are you letting her control the situation after her betrayal, again your display of weakness is huge, man up and tell her she's got 10 seconds to hand you her unlocked phone (after you have it in your hands tell her you're going to run deleted text recovery software), and tell her she's got 10 minutes to download her phone bill for the last 12 months and forward them to your email, otherwise you're filing for D TOMORROW, it's often said here on SI that "you have to be willing to lose your M in order to save it". As long as yo show weakness she's going to walk all over you and won't have to do a damn thing because so far you have shown her that you will just take it and not do much about it.