Here's an update.
I broke up with "Rat Girl". I called her mom to make sure she was close to her (since she’s suicidal) and sent a short message. For a while I was thinking of reconciling, but then I realized the whole truth about her.
Originally, I was still focused on "Rat Boy". He was manipulative, a psycho, etc. It’s all true, but it’s not all. I was in denial about Rat Girl’s participation in the whole thing. It’s like there were two of her: my girlfriend and Rat Girl, and they weren’t the same person to me. I didn’t want them to be.
My girlfriend was sweet, kind and loyal. Rat Girl was manipulative, selfish and disrespectful. Which one was real? Both, I guess, in their own moments. But I looked for my girlfriend and I couldn’t find her anymore. There was just Rat Girl.
The thing that opened my eyes was seeing his latest messages to her. I had asked her to go no contact with him, but not block him – just ghost him. This was so I could read his new messages – which I knew he would send, because crazy people hate losing control – and gain new information.
His messages were, as expected, manipulative and crazy. He even sent an audio crying. He reminded her of the nice things she had done for him. They had to keep seeing each other. He wanted to give her space, but he couldn’t bear not talking to her. He was suffering so much. He never meant to hurt her.
While he attempted to manipulate his way back into her life, I maintained some contact with Rat Girl. I showed some vulnerability by sending her a few songs, and that’s when she pounced. She reminded me of the nice things I had done for her – we had to keep seeing each other. She wanted to give me space, but couldn’t bear not talking to me. She was suffering so much. She never meant to hurt me. This was my eureka moment. I could see clearly: I was being emotionally manipulated.
From that realization on, I ignored her for a week while I collected myself. I read a few books which helped me:
- Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: This book is the kick in the butt you need to leave a cheating SO. It perfectly explains why cheaters cheat and what to do about it (leave), but it doesn’t tell you what to do next.
- Now What? A Guide for Men Starting Over in Life After Infidelity, Breakup and Divorce: This book motivates you to work on yourself and take care of your body and mind, and to avoid dating for a while after a breakup. It’s good for short-term action and superficial self-improvement.
- Whole Again: This is the real deal. It’s about self-love, why some people don’t have it and why they seek dysfunctional love in relationships. It promotes mindfulness as a path to long-term healing.
So then I realized a few things about myself. I’m a people pleaser, codependent, a caretaker and I help people who can’t be helped in order to avoid my own core issues. I’ve had chronic back pain for years from bottled up emotions. A lot of these emotions have been coming out recently.
My therapist said Rat Girl is probably BPD. My ex was BPD too. I already knew about BPD when I ended my previous relationship. I should’ve known. I feel dumb for falling for the same trap again. Untreated BPDs are emotional vampires and that's how my previous relationships went. I don’t want to keep doing that.
I’m going to spend some time alone and working on myself and my projects. I’m not going to date anyone for a while. I’ll focus on cultivating my friendships and making new, healthy friends. I’m going on a cool day trip this weekend to see nature. I’m also planning on going to a yoga class.
I don’t know how Rat Girl and Rat Boy are doing. I wish I could say I don’t care, but I still don’t want them to end up together. But there’s nothing I can do about it now, so I’ll have to learn to let that go and focus on myself and my happiness.
As for the psychiatrist who was discussing Rat Girl’s case with Rat Boy, I’ll leave it up to her to do something about it, if she wants to. I’m not the harmed party in that, she is. So it’s not up to me to seek justice.
Thanks everyone!