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Southpaw,

You have been given amazing advice.

I am telling you this as a betrayed spouse, who fought for R...and had 3 ddays (Discovery days), meaning she NEVER stopped cheating. I did EVERYTHING WRONG.

Follow the advice here Southpaw. You are wounded, you are in SHOCK. You are not able to see the situation clearly. Everyone here is telling you how to act right now because when you are in shock you need a playbook to operate from. This is GOLDEN advice.

You have NO control over the marriage now. You are in pain, you are in fear of losing everything. Let me tell you, you have to save yourself here, salvage your dignity...because if you keep going the way you are right now, your self respect will be vaporized and you will be a sad sack. Ask me why I know this!!! That was me.

Follow the advice, love your kids and kick your wife out of the house now. Tell her to call the realator.

Here for you southpaw.

One more thing to think about.

You must be willing to lose your marriage if you want any chance to save it.

In other words, no bluffing. When you file for D, mean it, and she will know you mean it.

One more thing to think about.

You must be willing to lose your marriage if you want any chance to save it.

In other words, no bluffing. When you file for D, mean it, and she will know you mean it.

This is such an incredibly important piece of advice that almost every new BS finds impossible to really take to heart.

The sooner you can really see the truth in this, the better.

[This message edited by Okokok at 11:50 AM, April 7th (Tuesday)]

Southpaw, one big mistake you are making is assuming you can believe anything your WW says. She claims she is confused, doesn't know what she wants, blah, blah, blah. Listen to her actions. Her actions are: 1. Won't give up the A. 2. Won't commit to the M. 3. She doesn't want to move because it is inconvenient for her. What does all of this tell you?

When you made your M vows, did they include thinking about the M and if she feels like she's not #1, then she can play the field and figure out if she wants to stay in the M or not?

If you are OK with being her plan B, then by all means, give her space and time to think. Let her move in to the condo by herself. It will be really easy for her to carry on the A without you watching over her every move.

It's time you stand up for yourself. What would you tell a friend if they told you this story?

Seriously dude don't become a marriage cop. You just tell her straight either you start expressing remorse (not Regret) for having a affair, NC forever with her fuck buddy, commit 150% to R,then there is a chance we may stay married. If any of these are a problem for her then fuck her, here are the D papers now fuck off.

Latest Update.

I did talk to an attorney this morning. My wife texted me today and said she will cut ties with the other guy but still doesn't mean she doesnt want out. She said she needs time. she feels lot of pressure and both of us are exhausted and isn't a decision that needs to be made overnight.

Obviously after reading a lot of your posts, it will be tough for her to cut ties with the other guy.

This is the first time though she said she will cut ties. I will say that is a start. I think I can forgive but never forget. Either path will be a tough one.

What did the attorney say? If she is hesitating this much just on cutting ties, does she want reconciliation? Her behavior says no. There is no harm in having papers files and served to protect yourself.

I did talk to an attorney this morning. My wife texted me today and said she will cut ties with the other guy but still doesn't mean she doesnt want out. She said she needs time. she feels lot of pressure and both of us are exhausted and isn't a decision that needs to be made overnight.

Oh c’mon. She’s either in or not. Needing time is bullshit.

Obviously after reading a lot of your posts, it will be tough for her to cut ties with the other guy.

Is she in the marriage or not. If you read enough you’ll also see many repeats and false reconciliations

Don’t set yourself up for failure.

This is clear cut right or wrong. If you don’t spell that she’ll walk all over you.

At least give yourself the best chance. Inform his wife.

You let fear guide you you’ll end up wishing you hadn’t.

She said she needs time.

How can you reconcile with a wife who's not sure she wants to stay married to you? Don't think you can pal.

You need to face the fact your marriage may be over. Talks with your lawyer should be serious about how to end your marriage.

Put a short time limit on how long she gets to decide what man she wants.

Southpaw,

If you agree to WW’s request, you’re just turning all control over to her and ageing to be her plan B. If you want any chance of R, as many say over and over again, “You have to risk losing the M to save it”. Get tough and take control NOW!

Inform the OBS ASAP. Tell WW you are not waiting to see who she picks and that you’re filing for D. Finally, go hard 180. This could easily shake her out of the fog, but if not, you will know where you stand and be out of limbo hell.

You will spend the rest of your life wondering who she is sleeping with every time she is 5 minutes late.

Sorry about what has happened to you Southpaw. Believe me I know what you are going through.

I think, from her actions and attitude, that she is gone. Once a woman loses love and respect for her husband she almost never gets it back. I think that is where she is. She detached from you and attached herself to him, and there is no going back now.

And do not let her blame you for her shitty decision to cheat. I treated my WW like a queen and gave her everything she wanted and she was still a whore. So how you treated her or didn't treat her had nothing to do with it.

southpaw:

You are only three days from your dday. You have plenty of time to process how you feel and make any life changing decision. This is not a sprint. Yes, R is possible as is D. It’s your life and your choice. Both outcomes are acceptable outcomes to get out of infidelity. Your WW’s recent comments reek of her trying to save face. You already mentioned that she had become very selfish. Her actions demonstrate this. You can hear her saying:” okay, I’ll give up the AP but I was still unhappy with you and our shitty M ( in her jaded opinion) so don’t think I am just running back.” She has a whole lot of misplaced pride and selfishness she needs to deal with.

You have already told us of two conversations with her laying out your requirements and boundaries. She has a choice to make if she wants to remain in the M. You have told her the minimums. Stick to them.

Simply because she has said she needs time does not mean that you should not continue moving forward. Moving forward with separation and the D process keeps you on the path out of infidelity. And the process can be stopped at any time if your WW decides to pull her head out and do the work. But do not sit in limbo waiting for her to decide. Keep the process going.

Meanwhile take care of you and your kids. Detach from her and proceed with the kids as you are moving on. There is a saying here: “ you have to be willing to lose the M in order to have a chance to save it.” Be firm. Be civil. But you are not waiting around. It works. Ask me how I know. If she comes around. Fine. If not, you are well on your way out of infidelity.

Do inform the OBS as soon as possible. She has a right to know. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 4:16 PM, April 7th (Tuesday)]

She said she needs time.

Translation: "I am still in the affair. I am texting/messaging/secretly meeting with him constantly, and will continue to do so."

Sorry man. But that's what that means. It's still "ambivalence," which means she's still in contact with AP, which means your wife is still having an affair. She gets no time from you. Move forward with 180 and D. Remember you can put the brakes on whenever you want, but don't put the brakes on for this.

Maybe put the brakes on when she's begging you to take her back.

At least give yourself the best chance. Inform his wife.

Do this and the affair ends today.

this affair will not end because this BH will not expose the

affair to the OMW.

So you're just going to wait for HER to make another decision and stay in limbo, read Okokok comment again, but even based on what she told you, she said she "WILL" stop talking to AP, that could be next year or two, by this point you should know that cheater LIE a lot, so don't stop the D process, tell her she can take all the time in the world but in the meantime your filing for D and that there's no guarantee you will take her back, as a matter of fact tell her it's very unlikely unless she takes immediate and verifiable actions (ending her A TODAY and NC FOREVER) and commits to do the heavy lifting to help restore the M. In the meantime EXPOSE to everybody and file for D !!!

Nothing kills an affair like exposure.

NOTIFY the OBS immediately. Do not believe anything your wife says about the OM's marriage. Do not warn your wife or she will warn the OM (and he will destroy your credibility).

The OBS is your best ally and she deserves to know.

Southpaw, it's a common mistake to believe her when she says she will cut off the OM. She said she would be faithful too. She lied to you by having this A. If she doesn't give you proof that she's cut him off and turns over access to her phone and any other way she's contacted him, why would you trust her again? How could you? Don't stop plans to D or S until you are absolutely sure she has cut him off and she recommits to you. Otherwise, it's only a matter of time before you find out she's still talking to him.

You’ve been heard, Southpaw

she needs time.

She wants time

What do you want, Southpaw? Keep asking yourself that question.

Are you sure you love her? The woman standing in front of you? Note that I didn’t ask “do you still love her.” Because while you still love the woman you thought she was, that isn’t the woman she actually is. That is not who is standing in front of you. In front of you stands a distant stranger that you have strong ties to.

Try to “un-know” her and actually see her without the bias of your history influencing you. Just...watch.

She is confused

She is standing with a foot on the boat and a foot on the pier. Move the boat away and she’ll get unconfused real fast.