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WH says I exhibit contempt towards him

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HeHadADoubleLife ( member #68944) posted at 11:50 PM on Sunday, August 2nd, 2020

His rationale is that he goes to work and makes the money so I should bend over backwards to make his life as comfortable as possible and do everything at home.

He believes it is my job to nurture and pamper and take care of him, and his job is to make the money.

He honestly believes that society is worse off because marriages are not like they were 100 years ago where the woman's place was in the home and the husband ruled everything.

My failure to accept that led to his unhappiness - he actually called me a monster for how he claims I treated him.

And he still expects this after cheating and being unremorseful about it. I gave him my list of what I need him to do and he said he's not doing it, but he still expects me to do all this for him.

Says I caused him to cheat by not being the wife I was supposed to be so it is my fault he cheated as I left him no option.

These statements aren't just completely unreasonable, they are patently ludicrous!

Like you said, there is no reasoning with the unreasonable, so stop banging your head against the wall trying.

I agree with everything nekonamida laid out for you. I 100% agree that nobody should JADE with the thought or intention of changing the other person - it is an exercise in absolute futility. I do however think it is empowering to state your feelings on the issue in a matter of fact way. Not with the intention to change them. The only intention is to communicate clearly your truth on the matter. My therapist would call this "standing in your truth." I found this to be especially important when conflicts would arise in front of my step daughters. Simply saying 'no' or 'ok' and walking away felt like stonewalling, and wasn't something I wanted to model for them.

The key was to remain completely calm, rational and detached while stating it. Not trying to convince. No begging or pleading. Just my truth. And like OIN said, state it once, then never again. He already knows how you feel on that particular subject, and continuing to rehash it is just his attempt to control the narrative.

Not that I was always this strong and confident in my own truth. Abandonment is a bitch, no matter how strong you are, and I definitely spiraled and bought into a lot of the negative things he said about me to justify his actions post DDay.

The truth is, the negative things he said are things that he wishes were true about me. Because he believes that if they were true, they would absolve him of responsibility for his actions. But wishing things are true does not make them true. And his belief that anything could justify his poor decision making is patently false.

The truth of the matter is I am not too controlling, or too withholding, or too stubborn. I am a compassionate and empathetic woman who is also strong and resolute in her boundaries. I have standards that I communicate openly and honestly. If someone refuses to live up to those standards, the consequences are theirs to bear. If someone rejects me because I hold them to those standards and enforce said consequences, that is their problem, not mine.

I don't want to speak for sisoon, but I suspect that's what he means by your WH's pain. It is the pain of realizing that he is not as good of a person as he would like to think he is. Many feel pain when forced to confront that their viewpoint is wrong.

It is so hard for me to not try to make him see. It is all so crystal clear to me that it boggles my mind how he doesn't get it. I just can't understand how he doesn't understand.

I totally get this. To me it felt like there was an elephant in the room. And every time I would say “Oh my goodness, Mr. HHADL, what are we going to do about this elephant in our room?” He would reply “What elephant?”

People who are highly self-centered and narcissistic are simply used to getting their way and feel entitled to getting things their way. When you get sick of it and put a stop to it, they often cannot handle the change. They don't like it. They think you are being unfair and see YOU as the problem

^^THIS!

You already make great points about how everything he says is pretty much misogynist bullshit. He rails against it, trying to blame all of his wrongdoing on you. He sees you as the problem, because he's perfect, didn't you know? The thing is, even if he never comes around, the truth will still be the truth. You know it, in a deep-down-in-your-bones kind of way. You don't need his validation to own that. You also know that his own viewpoint gives him an easy out to paint himself as the victim while never having to change or do anything he doesn't want to do. No matter how many times he repeats this nonsense, it is still not true. No matter how much he tries to play the victim, he is still the perpetrator.

At a certain point you have to say to yourself, “I know there is an elephant in the room, and that’s all that matters. If he refuses to acknowledge the elephant, that’s his choice, and yes, he might get trampled. But I see the elephant, I know it’s there, and I’m going to take whatever steps necessary to avoid getting trampled myself.”

Repeat after me: I Do Not Suffer Fools.

Your husband is acting a fool. Do not suffer for it.

BW
DDay Nov 2018
Many previous DDays due to his sex addiction

Hurt me with the truth, but don't comfort me with a lie.

Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest upon reciprocity.

posts: 839   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2018   ·   location: CA
id 8569374
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 BetterTimesAhead (original poster member #70001) posted at 5:51 PM on Monday, August 3rd, 2020

HeHad, I completely agree with you. I was also told about "standing in your truth" and always try to treat others the way I want to be treated. I would not like it if someone gave me and Ok or No without discussing or at least explaining their position. How can I understand their point if they just walk away?

I know I will not change him. But I think in the past my silence was a type of affirmation for him that I agreed with him or that what he was doing was ok. I want him to know it is not ok and I do not agree. An open-minded individual would listen to my point and consider it, instead of formulating his defense in his mind while I'm speaking which is what he tends to do. But I speak my truth and how it lands on him is not my issue.

Your elephant analogy is spot on. He keeps insisting he is a good person but I don't know if he's trying to convince me or himself. I simply point out that not only would a good person not cheat, but they would certainly own up to it after and move mountains to make it right for those they hurt with their actions.

I believe he needs to see himself as the victim to justify his horrendous behavior. He insists he would never have cheated if his life was so miserable because of me. I am still not buying it. He is not a victim. He makes it seem like he has no control over his own actions and decisions. I know I had no control over them.

This is difficult. Seeing him for who he really is. Seeing the weakness when I previously always saw strength. Seeing the selfishness when I used to see love, kindness and concern. I know I should stop trying to understand it, but not being able to wrap my head around his lack of remorse and empathy drives me crazy. That is for me to work on. Thank you for your insight.

Me: BS - 56 Him: WH - 57 DDAY: 2/22/2019 - Three year EA and PA Filed for D 9/2021 - signed the papers 8/2023 - time to rebuild***************An apology without the action to back it up is just manipulation.

posts: 698   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2019   ·   location: US
id 8569639
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steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 6:04 PM on Monday, August 3rd, 2020

I haven't read all of this thread and I don't know your story. Reading a little bit of this makes me wonder why you are putting up with it. Why do you stay with him? If this is the way your life looks when he should be falling over backwards to save the marriage now, what will it look like in the future? I guess you should be so ever grateful he has given you the reward of staying with you. Where's your gratitude for his benevolence?

BH(me)72(now); XWW 64; M 42 yrsDDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW 4 years; "dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, liesSeparated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4720   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8569647
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 BetterTimesAhead (original poster member #70001) posted at 6:14 PM on Monday, August 3rd, 2020

I'm sure he sees it the way you describe steady. I had to give him a chance to step up - it's just in my nature to think things through and not make rash decisions, and give people the chance to make good. But I am at a point where I cannot do that anymore, where it is clear he does not want to do that. I've been trying to get things in order (which includes being mentally and emotionally strong enough to move on) and I am getting there. The practical aspects just don't seem to want to go in the right direction, so I think I will have to take those as they come as planning for them is not working. I am feeling stronger as a person and individual so I am close to making the move.

Me: BS - 56 Him: WH - 57 DDAY: 2/22/2019 - Three year EA and PA Filed for D 9/2021 - signed the papers 8/2023 - time to rebuild***************An apology without the action to back it up is just manipulation.

posts: 698   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2019   ·   location: US
id 8569653
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steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 11:28 PM on Monday, August 3rd, 2020

Strength to you, BTA. Strength of mind and clarity of thought.

BH(me)72(now); XWW 64; M 42 yrsDDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW 4 years; "dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, liesSeparated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4720   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8569789
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 BetterTimesAhead (original poster member #70001) posted at 11:34 PM on Monday, August 3rd, 2020

Thank you steady. I am getting stronger each day but this is exhausting and probably the most difficult experience of my life thusfar. I can use all the help I can get.

Me: BS - 56 Him: WH - 57 DDAY: 2/22/2019 - Three year EA and PA Filed for D 9/2021 - signed the papers 8/2023 - time to rebuild***************An apology without the action to back it up is just manipulation.

posts: 698   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2019   ·   location: US
id 8569792
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