SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Going to echo the others.. Good job telling AP.
But never put yourself in legal harm’s way. Get a lawyer and get one now.
Keep the VAR on at all times.

She’s playing victim now— when this is all her doing.
Stop letting her.
Start to detach.

If she’s angry that the AP is scared, then she is not concerned about you. Her allegiance is clear.
I am so sorry.

Move full steam ahead with the D and implement the 180, only discuss finances and your daughter. There is nothing left to discuss. She has been having an ongoing A and is unremorseful. Blaming you for exposing her to her AP is rich shows who she is and where her mind is at.

I can't stress enough to detach... detach... detach. She is toxic and abusive with this A. I would never take a WS back that reacts this way to their ongoing abuse to the BS, to blame you the victim.

Be sure to head to the Divorce/Separation forum, we are a good support down there and know what you are going through. You will have parental rights and most likely split 50/50 on everything.

So she feels no remorse about the affair it's all your fault now.

On top of that if she told the OM she was not married that's a crime as well, the least she deserves to lose is her "friend".

Your WW is not even a good coworker if she would deceive someone she works with into having an affair with a married woman.

That she thought the affair was so trivial it would "fizzle out" illustrates that this woman might never be faithful to you.

D is the best thing.

I guess my only real specific question is do yall think she'll "snap out of it?" Once the dopamine withdrawal/limerance addiction fades.

Addictions don’t fade my friend, you don’t just snap out of addictions, they’re ever present just waiting in dormancy, temporarily suppressed, only to reemerge once again when conditions and circumstances come into proper alignment unless, UNLESS she gets serious help, seriously wants help, to thoroughly understand, temporarily control, and then, at some point, definitively resolve the fundamental issues that predispose her to cheat.

I try not to underestimate the limits of human willpower. She has to will this to happen with profound determination. This effort has to be self-initiated and self-sustained. She has to unconditionally want change regardless of the outcome on the marriage. In other words, she has to want this to save herself, not necessarily as a condition-especially made by you, to save the marriage. She has to be the champion of this-her personal crusade.

Every effort YOU have to make to drag her, coax her, manipulate her into R, adds exponentially to the drag coefficient working against the chances of true reconciliation taking-sustaining flight. So far, R seems completely grounded.

Yes, The 180, protect the remains of your dignity, stake your boundaries and expectations firmly into the ground and follow through with your stated consequences for failing to comply.

Your WW is behaving like an addict who just had their high wiped with Narcan. Although affairs have uncanny similarities to the dynamics of addiction, I’m wary of giving the Wayward somewhat of a pass by giving infidelity the addiction label. Be cautious of this.

I've remained mostly closed off, but apologetic as to how this has affected her mental health and the damage it has done to our still existing friendship.

Has she apologized to YOU?

Keep it coming. I knew that note would have have a big negative reaction, but what's done is done.

The threat to take away DD was how I put it for brevity. It was more of a threat to change our plans from mediation and me getting full custody (which we had previously discussed) into a hostile D where she attempts to get primary but shared custody. She already mostly reneged on that anyway.

Honestly what influenced me more in writing the note was her saying the AP might go to the police (even though no threats or anything) and that he might go to their HR and try to get her fired for "safety" reasons. Our DD needs us both to have our incomes for various reasons, and honestly I didn't want to further risk any employment or legal repercussions.

But yes I know the note was totally screwed up. What I wrote was "I said some things that weren't true," rather than straight up saying everything I said was lie. So there's that. She also had to admit to some lying to him anyway, given some proof I gave. But who knows what all she's telling him to try to salvage something.

For me anyway, that all doesn't matter. The AP's part in all this is done as far as I'm concerned, whether or not they end up back together. I talked to him once, that's all I ever wanted to do. Everything that happens now is between me and her.

My goals in this at this point is to get to that mediation and getting through the absolutely horrendous task of having to tell my poor innocent and completely clueless about all this DD that her life is about to be ripped in half.

Will she snap out of it?

Why would you want her if she does?

Your wife under threat of losing half of your time with YOUR CHILD, forced you to grovel to the AP. Forced you to write a message(one she saved,and is showing EVERYONE), and look like a crazy person.

She humiliated you. Then she tells you YOU might have ruined a good coparenting relationship? You!! After she USED YOUR CHILD as threat,to force you APOLOGIZE to her boyfriend??

Please...please find your anger. You need it. It will cause you to see her for who she is.

What I wrote was "I said some things that weren't true,"

Yeah…that letter was unwise and could be compromising, but that’s water under the bridge. You’re not thinking straight and that’s to be expected. Your life is imploding and you’re under extreme duress. So, from now on, please check yourself by really listening to us and/or sound legal and therapeutic counsel. You’re operating almost entirely off pure impulse and emotion.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 9:15 PM, Monday, July 10th]

She also claimed that although she never told me, there was some chance we could R/"work it out" when her A "fizzled out" as she put it.

She just admitted that you are Plan B.

She repeated "how could you do this to me."

I guess she didn’t know you either..

Don’t sweat the note. No matter what the words were, what it really said is, "Thinking of you, AP."

So much crap in this steaming pile......

She is also using your Daughter to blackmail you.

The threat to take away DD was how I put it for brevity. It was more of a threat to change our plans from mediation and me getting full custody (which we had previously discussed) into a hostile D where she attempts to get primary but shared custody. She already mostly reneged on that anyway.

What is done is done, but the point I was hoping to drive home is that you do really need to seek out counsel from a divorce attorney. I mena, look, none of us get married with the plan to ultimately marry and so the whole idea of divorce is almost like a foreign concept to us all. What little most of do know is predominately from either people we know, including close friends, family etc. and through the media we consume like books, newspapers, movies/TV shows. The reality about divorce is that each case is unique based on your family situation, the state you live in and other factors along those lines and a good attorney will help you to have a very good understanding of what a fair settlement in your situation can look like, including the custody arrangements. The old Boy Scout model that I still believe in to this day is "Be Prepared" and I would urge you to prepare yourself for the possibility that you end up in a more contentious divorce than you had looked for going in. Sure, your wife is amenable to a more amicable and less contention divorce done through a mediation, but that is until she starts to see the real consequences for her actions. The second you start digging into specifics, she has the potential to get very nasty. I mean, for goodness sakes, you exposed her lies to her boytoy and she went full nuclear on you. For arugment's sake, lets say that she is expecting XYZ figure in child support/alimony payments from you, but as you guys get into mediation and the fair amount is significantly less than the preconceived figure in her mind, you think she is going to sit calmly by and take it or more likely to fly off the handle again in a rage to try and get you to agree to more? I know where my money would be based off what I little I've learned about this woman from your posts.