SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

BondJaneBond,
Thank you for this. It is brutal, unvarnished, and exactly what I needed to read, even though it stings.

​You are completely right that he chose this. There was no magic spell or hypnosis—he wanted a new place to park his junk, took the opportunity because it was handed to him, and then tried to blame everything and everyone else to escape accountability.

​What makes it so bitter for me is the history. I didn't just stumble into a marriage with a stranger. I built his foundation: I helped with his career, paid for his studies, and introduced him to the exact network where he is now over the last 20 years. To take all of that, throw it at a cheap option, and then expect me to just swallow it and pretend it’s "long ago" is infuriating.

​You asked why I stayed. A huge part of it was to protect my kids, but also inertia, fear of change, and looking at the massive life we built. But you hit the nail on the head: if I were dating him today and found out what he did, I wouldn't touch him with a ten-foot pole.

​He has a lifelong pattern of caving to manipulators—starting with his manipulative, narcissistic mother, who hates everyone and celebrated other family members' divorces. When he visited her weeks ago, he went right back into that toxic echo chamber, came back completely detached, and started treating me like the enemy based on the fake narrative he fed them from day one to protect his own ego. And the moment I snap under the pressure of his ghosting and coldness, he points the finger and calls me "bipolar" or tells me I have a bad temper.

​You're right. I can't live like a hostage in a marriage that has become a prison, and I refuse to rug-sweep anymore. Thank you for spelling it out so clearly. I have a lot of hard thinking to do about what I actually want for my future. I am just keeping my peace at the moment and see...

Thanks 🙏

Pat77, you're welcome! I'm glad if I could be of help. It sounds to me like you are a very smart, sensible lady with your head on straight. I don't know if he can really appreciate you fully. It sounds more like he needs a mother to hide behind. (This may sound odd but I kind of wonder if that bag he was seeing reminded him of "Mom" in some way.) Unless you think he can grow up sufficiently to be the kind of husband you deserve and need, well....I think you're already figuring it out. Good luck, Pat, we're all rooting for you!!!

Pogre and 1st Wife.....I think the tactic of seriously and openly considering divorce might be called...."Reality Strikes". Whether people want to go through with it or not, it lays the real potential cost on the table as the serious option and alternative to lack of remorse and change. I think it can end those fantasies pretty quickly for a lot of people.

It works only if it will be backed up by actual filing for F and D itself, if the WS doesn't meet requirements.

Also, I see you've done some MC. Have you done some IC? If not, I think it's something that will help, if you want to change something about yourself. I see some comments that could mean you're co-dependent, and if so, and if you want to change that, you can gain a lot more autonomy than you've indicated so far, and that could help you out of this sitch, which is so uncomfortable.

If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone

That quote is quite deep and IMHO applies to near every situation in life. If you are unhappy with your present relationship then it’s YOUR decision to remain unhappy, or your decision to implement some change that could move you to a better place.

The key might be realizing that the move from unhappy to happiness can be gradual. With complex life issue the solution isn’t always clear nor easily attainable.
By suggesting you don’t settle on being unhappy with him and the relationship does not automatically require you file for divorce. But it does require that you request OR make a change, and if that request or change is implemented, that you feel like you are at a better place. If unhappiness could be graded you went from level 10 unhappiness to level 9. It’s progress, but not a destination.
That change can move you closer to divorce, or it might move you further. It’s all an issue of being clear on what you want, what needs to be done to progress there and being brutally self-honest in evaluating progress – or lack of.

Understanding divorce can be compared to understanding your dentist and the need to go get an extraction despite the pain it might include. It’s not what you want, it’s not your first action if you have a tooth-ache… but it’s something you might have to do if all else fails.

I don’t advocate a tactic of openly discussing divorce. That is – I don’t think you can get results with statements like "You have three days to find an IC or I’m filing for divorce". You can’t have a real relationship tied together by threats. But his inaction in doing what was agreed on is an indicator to commitment, and that in turn should give you reason to evaluate how YOU might get from pain 9 to 8 on your journey to 0.
My suggestion for a frank talk is more aimed at both of you understanding what the other needs and wants and finding out if there is common ground. If there is common ground then being clear on what needs to be done to get there, step-by-step.

Like… if you and husband/partner decide that financial clarity is required, and you decide to open up each others accounts for scrutiny, then if he hasn’t done that within 10 days his actions are telling you that he isn’t following through… At that point threatening divorce doesn’t make sense, but it would make sense to have another discussion where you question the commitment – reminding him that he has options and that an agreement to divorce is one of them. It’s an option open for him as well as you. If he doesn’t agree with what you thought were common ground then it might require a further sit-down to decide if you two are compatible or not.

Divorce isn’t a threat – it’s more a consequence because you aren’t reaching the goals you thought you both agreed to, or you two don’t have common goals. It’s a progression led from a journey of trying to get from one place of unhappiness to somewhere slightly better.

I think maybe the worst situation you can be in is where you think you don’t have options. By realizing D is there… you always have an out. All that’s left is evaluating what you are being offered and if you personally have the ability and time to wait for the result you want.