SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I apologize in advance...I see there is a lot to catch up on. Right now I am fuming.

The support case to OW was overpaid by $70 as of yesterday. The new basic amount is supposed to be $402 per month. OW got $258 twice this month, so there should not have been any support taken out of this check. However, $185 WAS. What. the. Hell. We've been scraping by, but now that's caught up to us....so we're not going to be able to pay all of our bills or shop for the normal household supplies. One of our COM also has a birthday coming soon.

I mentioned before how when H asked about the first overpayment, he was told that the money can only be reimbursed if the amount is over $200. SOOO, the $70 + the $185 from this check = more than $200, right? He tells me that after A LOT of hassle with the support office staff, they told him that it would at least a week before they send us a check for $70, and then another 2 to 3 weeks after that, they'll send another check for the $185. WHY?!? How can they be so quick to take his income when it is NOT supposed to be paid to her, but they'll take their damn time sending US the money back???? Worst of all, it's the wretch's birthday tomorrow....yeah, I'm sure she'll have a great time tomorrow with our money thanks to that NON- Domestic hellhole!!!

Then to really add fuel to the fire, less than an hour after finding that info out, the phone rings and I answer. They ask for H, and I (politely) ask who is calling. The reply comes back as a biting "It's [OW]". So I say, "what is this concerning?". She says, "I need to speak to H". I reluctantly hand him the phone while telling him to put it on speaker. So H gets on and she says that OC has something to tell H. It took at least a couple minutes of OC hemming and hawing before he came to the point- he had stolen one of the DS games that belong to our COM! After H was done talking to OC, OW got back on and said that OC was being punished (I'm not buying it at all) and blah de blah blah.

Now before I filed the harassment, we had sent the notice that there was the specific email for OW to contact about EMERGENICES or other important info about OC (like school appointments or problems).....neither of which this was. I had texted her not to call or text our phone anymore, or we would be changing the number. I contacted the service provider and they couldn't help me....plus we didn't really want to go through the hassle of having to give everyone a different number, so we left it alone and let her think that we weren't using this number anymore. Now I have a feeling that this phone call was a test, and she just stirred the pot again. How the $%^& dare she continue to give me attitude, especially NOW (when she's getting WAY more of our money than she should be AND her child just committed a big no-no against our family)? So for what it's worth, I'm bringing this up when we go to court on Wednesday. I really and truly hope that on this day there is FINALLY some justice on this end!!!!

Hugs and prayers and strength to all of you

Broken,

I have been a step-parent to his other 3 children (who were raised with their mother) for 13 long & painful years and I will NEVER be a step parent again for anyone.

I sympathize with you completely. I was a childless stepmother for 6 years before the A. I was 100% dedicated to my stepDs (who lived with their mother and her abusive boyfriend). We fought the mother in court constantly. She hated my guts for how much my stepDs confided in me. I refused to even think about having a COM until my stepDs were all over 18, so that COM did not interfere with stepD's time with FWH, and so XW would have no opportunity to meddle in the life of COM (she's fucking crazy).

Well, OC was born 3 years before the youngest stepD turned 18. My stepDs became a united force with OW, and joined her in harassing me for over 2 years.

We moved away and I decided to have our COM, regardless of OW, OC, and stepDs. Best decision I ever made was to make a decision based on FWH and I's wants, not the stepDs.

For me, being a stepmother was the most thankless job of my life. I am very sorry you are in this situation. Are COM between you and your H out of the question?

Sparkle,

I am so sorry. The hits just keep coming for you and your H.

We experienced something similar, FWH was ordered to pay OW $XXX a month (by garnishment). The first month in which he was to have 3 paydays we were very much counting on that money, but they took the bi-weekly amount again. We called and they told us we were out of luck, as the monthly amount is based on every two weeks. Still doesn't make sense to me. It sounds like this is not the case for you, and I am glad.

As far as OW calling, next time she calls, do not even hand your FWH the phone. Remind her of the email and hang up.

I can't say for sure that we will be in luck either....H said the support office staffer did spend at least 20 minutes arguing that there was no overpayment and tried to claim that the freeze on the garnishment was put in. From everything we're reading online, the are extremely slim that the CSO will pay this money back, and it's unlikely that they'll count it as a credit towards future support either. Something about how it goes against some code and isn't fair to the child/custodial parent. This is where I really take issue with their bass-ackwards "guidelines" that treat each payee as though they first had a child/children together and "shared" incomes....no, WE were sharing income, WE had our family, and it is not fair to THESE children to do with less because they automatically gave OW way more than she was supposed to get for the month. Other bills we pay, if we send more than the amount that we owe, they credit the account and we don't have to pay as much with the next bill. So why is this so different?

I wanted to kick myself after I handed H the phone yesterday. I absolutely should have told her that she was not going to insist on speaking to H. My knee-jerk reaction was that it had to be an emergency for her to call out of the blue like that. Instead, I was baited....again. I really hope a change comes with the hearing on Wednesday. Fingers crossed.

where I really take issue with their bass-ackwards "guidelines" that treat each payee as though they first had a child/children together and "shared" incomes....no, WE were sharing income, WE had our family, and it is not fair to THESE children to do with less because they automatically gave OW way more than she was supposed to get for the month.

Agreed. It reminds me of that duty counsel b*tch that told my H he is responsible to financially take care of his child regardless of other children. Fine no one is saying that these men aren't responsible, but what about the other children? If the courts are so worried about the "best interest" of children, what about COM? Why don't they factor in them when deciding child support?

Want2help

For me, being a stepmother was the most thankless job of my life.

Agreed. My H has a son (born before we met)and it was/is indeed a thankless job when came/comes over.

Phoenix - I'm sorry you're going through this ((HUGS))

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 7:26 PM, August 30th (Friday)]

strength and hugs to everyone

altered, Chandler, Phoenix ~ I'm so sorry you've been through this mess more than once. Kudos to all of you for having the bravery to stick it out. May you find the respect and honesty you deserve, whether through R or not.

broken~ I relate to your situation in that I was also under the impression that OW was one of my "best friends". Her and her 1st H and their daughter even moved in with us for a time (this was before the A). My H also tried being friendly to OW's 2nd H, but it ended with the same attitude of him and OW telling me and H to "butt out" of everything. With my H having partial custody of OC, I deal with many of the blended family/stepparent issues, and I agree that it is very thankless.

what about the other children? If the courts are so worried about the "best interest" of children, what about COM? Why don't they factor in them when deciding child support?

Exactly. It's like the "family" court is saying that, unless a child's parent files with them and divorces, then they are not important and their needs aren't as relevant as the child/children whose parent did file. That's not right to the COM.

Makes about as much sense as trying to understand the A.

Finally some good news to report....OW was found guilty! $50 fine for her, plus court costs. Oh she sure did try to argue everything...the worst OW behavior on display, calling us outright liars, saying her 'solution' is that she "never" has to deal with me at all, just "her son's father"....but this judge didn't buy it! She sped off and roared out of the parking lot~ wrack up another citation, whydontcha?

Sparkle - heehee sometimes there is a bit of justice!! Sometimes it feels like the OW's get away w SO MUCH and r treated like innocent victims!

H's first court date is today. It's. the first time we'll see OW since dday. hoping she will keep her distance from us

Sparkle, that is AWESOME! I never got to get back at OW legally for the harassment of me, so I live vicariously through you!

Stronger, good luck!!

So we went today. She showed up late and alone (in a pair of tights stretched so thin you could see her entire a$$ - classy lady )and barely made eye contact. Except for a comment calling H a "neglectful father" in front of the court clerk. She also didn't stop smiling ...it was weird. The only time she looked at us was when we all left the court she looked DIRECTLY at us and gave us this evil grin. My h thinks she thought he would b alone or that she "ruined" our relationship. We were walking behind her and my H was upset - she was loving it. So I said, "She doesn't matter, we'll do with this together and move on. Our life together won't change." I've never seen him look more grateful in his life. He wasn't sure if I meant it (neither am I) but he was glad she heard that he has my support.

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 9:36 AM, September 6th (Friday)]

Thanks ladies! Even more good news~ the check from the state disbursement unit came for the $70, which covers some of the overpayment that was taken. Woohoo! After more than half a year of dealing with added stress and hardships from OW, it feels great to have the pendulum start swinging back in our direction

stronger~ you couldn't be more correct about OW playing the innocent victim. I really saw that in action at the hearing. I spent so much of the time shaking my head at the things that were coming out of her mouth. Prime example~ she argued that she was not sorry for her attitude when she called at the end of August, that the reason she snapped at me was because I asked who was calling...she actually said that there was no reason I should have answered in the first place! She tried to boo-hoo to the judge that she "had to go through 5 questions" with me before she could speak to her son's father. I replied, "No, there were two." She says, "First she asked 'who is this?'" (one) and then asked what the call was about" (two). The judge gave her a look that seemed to say "....and this is a problem why??" I said, "Is it wrong for me to answer a call on our home telephone?" OW argued that we should have put her name in with the number, and then H just could have answered. In reality, we did enter her for two contact numbers back when she took H to court so she could move out of state....and then not even a few months later, she sent a text saying to disregard those numbers.

I just wonder if she lies and twists things on purpose or if she really does believe what she is saying. Either way, I hope she is starting to wake up to the fact that we won't stand for this crap anymore. Glad to hear you and your H were a united front yesterday....I think it speaks well for your chances at R

Sparkle - thanks! i never want her to know what problems we have, as far as she knows we're happy, happy, happy.

I'm so glad to read so much good news for you! I laughed out loud at the "ridiculous" questions you asked when she called and that you had the "nerve" to answer the phone in your own home-really sparkle, how dare you!

Your post has been one of the best I've read in awhile, and OW getting whats coming to her FINALLY!!

I just wonder if she lies and twists things on purpose or if she really does believe what she is saying. Either way, I hope she is starting to wake up to the fact that we won't stand for this crap anymore.

^^This^^

My H's OW has told so many lies and half-truths that I wonder if she spends all day thinking of crap to say!!

((Chandler)) I understand your financial concern...but don't lose sight of the health risk his behavior could have for you and your com. If he is having unprotected sex with a drug addict that is more detrimental to you than an OC. Please get tested (for all stds) and not engage in unprotected sex with him until he test clean for at least 6 months. I know it is a lot to process right now!

[This message edited by thewife0404 at 8:13 PM, September 9th (Monday)]

No news - our next court date isn't until December (Merry Christmas! LOL ) so we have to wait 3 mos to find out 1. if he even qualifies as a parent and 2. has to pay any support.

Idk how it works elsewhere but where I live a biological father may not "qualify as parent" if certain factors exist. In my h's case this may be because 1. she was married 300 days after the child's birth 2. her exh signed the birth certificate and raised OC until 2-3 years ago (so the majority of his life) so legally her exh is the father and owes support (she already has a support order for support from her exh for OC but hasn't received a dime from him).

AARGH!!! I hate this..the waiting is brutal. Anyway, thought I'd bump up the thread, see how everyone's doing. It's been pretty quiet around here!

Just had another support conference today....this time my H petitioned for a decrease due to no overtime in the past 6 months. Hopefully this conference officer will be much more considerate than the one who put in that H was netting over $3400 per month. H said that it seemed to go better, and that the CO actually told OW to shush her mouth several times This CO said that my income should not factor in, and OW started retorting, "His wife can work!"....grrr...the nerve of her. But then the CO told her to stop interrupting H, and that I am not liable for the child. This time OW showed up with her boyfriend, and tried to argue that his medical bills were an extra expense she has. CO said it doesn't count since they are not married.

Here's hoping for a fairer reduction, and that we are granted arrears from all the money she has received since the increase, even though he was making well under the guideline amount this whole time.

stronger~ it sounds like they might not consider your H responsible, and I hope for your sake that is true. It sucks that her XH was deceived too. OW in our case was able to go after my H (even though she was still married to her 1st H when OC was conceived) because she put a PFA out on her 1XH. It was dismissed, but it meant he couldn't be considered as a putative father because he would have been violating the restraining order. And the first guy she had tested was ruled out. A paternity test wasn't done on my H until the spring of 2004 (OC was born Jan. 2002).

Sparkle - I want to slap the OW in your case!! ARGH! If I were an OW I would feel remorse and shame, not smug and self righteous.

My h is praying the judge will side with him...and so am I. He/We can't afford this

And he got new papers in the mail...she's requesting payments be retroactive to when she found out her XH wasn't the ocs father. And the icing on the cake? I was watching a local talk show and she was on it crying and complaining about being a single mom!!!!!!! Did she mention EVERYTHING in her past? Nope. Just that her sons father is a deadbeat and refuses to pay for/help raise her son, so, she was forced to drag him to court for support. Ugh! I hate her...and I'm SO ANGRY at my H for bringing this trash into our lives :(

Well even though we haven't gotten the papers yet, we were able to see the change to the case on the website: it was reduced....by about $40. A teeny baby step. And they did NOT grant arrears on the payments she received since the increase....they only dated it to last month (when H filed for the decrease), so the current credit is only at $10. Soooo, the next step is filing for another de novo hearing, and if no good comes of that then I guess we have to take it to the higher court this time. H told me that on Friday, when the conference officer went to make copies, OW took the opportunity to say to him, "So I guess I'll see you again for a de novo hearing?" and he didn't say a word to her nor look at her. OW also complained to the CO that this has gone to the support office "at least 4 times this year"....if she hadn't filed for the increase like a greedy money-grubber then we wouldn't need to go to the support office at all!

I just really don't get why they still have the monthly amount so high, and why they won't grant retroactive for the current support paid. It says in our state guidelines that support shouldn't exceed 50% of H's monthly net income. At the last hearing, they determined him at around $2800, said that his basic obligation for OC was over $400 per month and that his obligation for our COM is $1000. Even including gainshare bonuses (which fluctuate and are NOT guaranteed, there have been times when there is no bonus), his current monthly net would not exceed $2500 at MOST, 50% would be $1250. So if they reduced OC's support by $40, that means they reduced his obligation to our kids by more than $100. Now it also says in the deviation guidelines that reductions should be proportionate. How is it proportionate to say 6 kids should get $150+ LESS support compared to OW only getting $40 less for one child??? And how is it right to let those months go when OW was getting 516 per month, or last month when she got more than $700?? That means that support he was paying DID exceed 50% of his net income....so why are they going against the state code and guidelines????

stronger~ gah....I would definitely not want to see OW on TV playing the victim! I think I would have been too tempted to call in and say something like, "You know that guest who is crying about her son's deadbeat dad? She forgot to mention that he is married with a family and that she lied to her husband!"

I have a question I hope someone can answer. OW has not been working and I was wondering if she can try to get more child support?

I believe the support can only increase if the payors income increases...regardless of the employment status of the person receiving it