SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What woman in their right mind would want to date me or marry me?

A woman who values you, a woman who understands you, a woman WHO LOVES YOU.

You have a lot of great qualities do not diminish your self based on a current and temporary situation.

50 percent relationship? Any woman with half a brain will understand and value that you are a father before you are a husband, and most women with a head on their shoulders will not only understand but will respect that fact that you do what is best for your children. Those actions in itself demonstrate the kind of man you are, a man with morals, a man with conviction, a man worthy of love, respect, and admiration.

You are an incredible person, your actions after what you have been dealt with have demonstrated that. You don't believe? Hell on this forum there are an ass load of women, who would be grateful to have guy like you.

You are NOT damaged, you are NOT diminished.

DO NOT EVER SELL YOURSELF SHORT.

Just want to pile on you a little more here NP.

It may not seem like it right now, given who you are married to....but there is a world full of quality women. Women that are attracted to men of character and faithfulness. Men who are dedicated fathers.

Once you get your confidence back, you can find one. And as a potential Plus: it would drive Edith crazy....silver linings my friend.

"Hey, this NP5 is pretty nice now!

np5, don't be her safe place to land.

I just cannot ever forget her telling you that she's going to counseling in order to learn how to *deal* with you.....

It seems that you are now leaning towards staying with the *devil* that you know instead of ridding your life of the present toxicity.

I don't know what to say to you.

*Nesting* is good in theory, but in reality it's not a good solution for the long term.

NP,

I was not sure if I should have responded by a PM or to post a reply on this thread. Your last post really struck out to me. It is like I am watching the story of my infidelity unfold once again. I made many mistakes along the way, and I hope explaining my situation as it stands today can help you in some manner.

Yes, there are some codependency issues, but I do believe that your head is on pretty straight. I know that you love your wife, and would eventually like to reconcile. You will be amazed at the amount that you are able to forgive, but the truth is, that is not the key issue. The key issue is Edith.

There is so much resentment built up over time. With this resentment, has come a sense of entitlement that is extremely difficult to remove. It is this resentment and entitlement that was the beginning of this wayward thinking. You have to understand, now that certain thresholds have been crossed, things will never go back to the way that they once were...no matter how much you would wish to do so.

Again, I need to remind you that Edith is not remorseful. I know that you are wishing for this so badly, that it will be come true. But as time goes on, you will realize that this is not the case. It simply is not.

In my opinion, you are on the right track, but need to keep a few things in mind. I believe that your therapist gave you good advice. You do not need to make a decision today. but I strongly recommend that you stop taking a leading role in this attempt at reconciliation. You need to step back, and see what Edith is capable of doing, as it pertains to repairing the damage.

First off, let me explain to you that my wife and my marriage were far superior to yours, or any other member on this site. We were a great team, great partners, and best friends. But yet, here I am, on an infidelity website giving information to others....while wondering what the hell happened to my life. It has taken me a very long time to realize that not only is it not my fault, but that I do have, or at least did have, codependency issues. I constantly waited for my wife to return to be a woman that I once knew. but that will never happen again, & I needed to accept that. Like you, I still have difficulties, five plus years later, believing that my wife could do what she has done to me and her family. The fact that she could not only physically, but emotionally involve herself with someone else, is something that I believe I still struggle with to this day.

If there is any message I need to drive home to you, is that you need to get to an emotional state where you could accept being without your wife. You maybe believe that you are close to this point, but I can assure you that you are not. Do not take that as an insult, but merely someone that is a few years ahead of you, and sees so much of his story in yours. I and still not divorced, but I'm getting closer and closer to that. Every day. It saddens me, because like you, my wife and I still get along fine, and can have fun together. But it is not fulfilling. That specialness that we once had simply is not there...no matter how long I wait for it. My wife simply has not done that work, or does not want to do that work. And if you are like me, you want emotional intimacy.

I do not think it is wrong to want to reconcile, but you have to Edith take the reins. You have to learn to step back, and watch. You also need to work on detaching. I know it goes against the basics of reconciliation, but until you are truly ready to walk away from this marriage, you are not helping yourself...believe me.

You need to hold her more accountable than ever in your life. More important than working on the marriage, she needs to learn to love you again.....but in a proper manner. Without contempt and resentment. And this is much easier said than done. I can tell you that in my story, I no longer believe that is ever possible with my wife...no matter how special we once were. It still hurts me to simply write that. But if you don't demand the respect that you deserve, you will change into something that you like less and less every day.

Do not turn into that person. Please.

That is the best that I can do with this damn smart phone. I will write again from normal computer when I can.

I wouldn't say primary or best, just a supplemental one to help "fill in the holes" in her heart, so to speak. She was lonely and felt she wasn't being listened to, and wanted some on the side. She doesn't want the OM as a replacement and knows he would never work out.

You wrote a lot, but this is the one point that is the huge problem.

Your wife felt she was lonely and felt you werent listening to her. That is absolutely no reason to have sex with some other guy.

The same problem that has existed throughout all of this is that your wife continues to blame shift, and that is all she has done throughout her entire affair and after the affair.

It is always your fault for her affair, your past financial decisions, you not listening to her, etc, etc.

Until she actually realizes that what she did was ALL her decision, all her wrong and all her responsibility, nothing will change.

I think most BHs on here have heard the same excuse, I did, about being lonely, or not getting enough attention. In my case, my wife finally looked back at our life honestly and said, no, I did pay plenty of attention to her. The being lonely excuse is usually the first excuse to be spoken and then the first to be looked with honesty and told, nope that wasnt the reason.

We all work, we all have jobs, we all are married. Now if we work to hard, is that not paying attention to our wife an excuse for them to have sex with some other guy...hell no.

Edith still refuses to take 100% responsibility for her affair and the choices she made. Until she does that and stops, and I mean honestly stops the blame shifting, nothing changes.

So what happens the next time she feels lonely? That is the real question. If she feels comfortable blaming YOU for her choice to have an affair, you are the reason she had an affair, then there is not much to stop her again the next time she feels lonely.

Far too much blame shifting by her still at this time.

As for D, just my opinion, if you are going to D, just do it. None of this in house for 3 days stuff etc. Because you and your kids will have to continue on with a sane life. And moving in and out sounds very confusing for the kids and you.

Just a quick comment from my iPhone: going through a divorce was horrible. Being divorced sucks. My children's lives have been changed forever. I'm nearly broke. I have not fallen in love with a new woman. I'm lonely. I lost a big beautiful house and downsized tremendously. Am I happy? Nope.

But:

I never have to worry about where my wife is and with whom.

I never have to think about whether I am being told the truth or a lie.

I am no longer curled up in our marital bed alone and in tears.

I like my cozy little house.

My children love and adore me.

We are not hungry.

I have a good job. Not much money but I get by.

I have my integrity. I have my dignity. I have my honor. I have my manhood.

I have met many women who would have loved to be with me. I was and am not ready, but they were kind and good and honest. I will be ready some day.

I still have fears, but I know now that I have fought through the worst of them--see above--and the fears that remains are only that, fears.

I hope your story does not conclude as mine did. I loved my wife and worshipped my family. I did everything I could to save my marriage and for a long, long time. But if what is holding you back are any or all of the above, please know that you will survive. You really will. I thought I would die, NP5. I really did.

But I'm still here. And I'm ok, really. And so would you be.

Strength.

Nesting is one possible arrangement; it is not the only one. I know people who have done it successfully, in the short term. (It is NOT something that typically is done until kids reach majority.) I have friends for whom it did not work. Much like communism, it sounds tons better in theory than it works, in practice.

One thing it requires is TWO parents who are completely unselfish and committed to making it work. You're presupposing your WW would be one of those partners.

I'm actually rather surprised that your IC would recommend this approach. ICs are pretty much the only people who are supposed to keep only OUR best interests in mind. And nesting is an arrangement that is NOT in any parent's best interest. It may be in the best interests of some children, particularly those who have real difficulty with transitions. But really, it's likely no more in your kids' best interest than a traditional arrangement.

(For what it's worth, my kids really preferred physical boundaries created by two households when their father and I separated. And I don't know any kids from divorced families for whom the transition from one physical location to another is the actual source of distress. This is not to say that kids aren't distressed by their parents' divorce; it's that parents wrongly assume that certain aspects of the situation are more problematic than others. It's not the house that's the issue. Keeping that the same isn't going to prevent the distress. Sadly, there is no protecting them from that; there is only supporting them through it.)

At any rate, YOUR IC is not the person I'd look to for guidance about what's best for the kids. I'd talk with them. With their pediatrician. With their school counselors. With their ICs. But not your IC. Your IC is about what is right for YOU. I know you're kind of avoiding that territory right now, and that's okay. Just don't do it at the expense of the kids. (I'll say more about this in a minute.)

There's just no need, at this point, to throw up obstacles for yourself, even if only in your mind. You don't need to make a decision today, or tomorrow, or the next day. Which means there's no need to find reasons today, tomorrow, or the next day why divorce just isn't a possibility for you.

We all know you don't want to be divorced. Very few of us ever want that outcome. Some of us discover it's the only liveable solution. But that may or may not be the case for you.

You will reach a point where either the pain of staying in the marriage will become greater than the pain of ending it, or it will look as your relationship with your WW will improve enough that remaining in the marriage is a possibility.

Until then, yes---think a bit about what divorce MIGHT look like. Certainly, take steps to protect yourself in case that's where things wind up. But don't look at only the most drastic and life-limiting options, telling yourself it's "for the kids." Because it's not "for the kids." That's something we tell ourselves when we're too scared to make decisions for ourselves. And it's grossly unfair to the kids, because it places the burden of your happiness on them. It's a VERY heavy load, and they feel it.

Own, instead, that you're not ready to make a decision. That's perfectly okay! You don't have to.

Just be. Let your mind calm down a little. There's a storm going on in there, and there are lots of tools you can use to quell it. Biofeedback, neurofeedback, EMDR, meditation, breathing. Let your poor mind rest a while. Ask your doctor for guidance, if you need it.

I still need to realize that my current wife was and is the type of person who would cheat on me and did cheat on me, multiple times and in every important way.

I am so glad to read this. This, I think, is the reason I've tended to want to swing 2x4s your way. You still talk about your wife as if you know what she thinks, what she feels, what she would do or not do. I think you should try to train yourself not to do that. The mind movies have a function, and it's to tell you that you don't know her as well as you feel you do.

The only thing you can count on, now, is actions. Maybe Edith can become the person you thought she was, but it will be a long road, and you need some concrete actions to track. Not that she cried or that she seems remorseful. Those are not reliable signals.

Thanks JB, I can't believe you were able to put all those thoughts down with a smart phone! Nice post.

Abbondad, we have travelled far down a similar path. I can't see where it will end up yet. Let's just say I haven't given up and I'm taking my time.

I've decided to try and be more positive for a while in my Limbo about myself and my family, with or without Edith. I'm moving into the Reconcile forum, because there is no Limbo forum. I want to be there because I'm not giving up on Edith yet and I think I want to reconcile, I just don't know if I can.

I've been there before, but I never stayed long. JFO and General "Misery" forums have been my home for the past year. I'm ready to be done with "Just Finding Out".

NP5,

No words, just positive energy flowing your way.

What's the plan, NP5?

CanoeVA, you can find notperfect5 in the Reconciliation forum. As of 2015-07-23-7:00PM , he was on page 9.

I must say that some of these guy's stories, you can become addicted to.