hello everyone...i started this post originally. i just read it from the beginning..and boy oh boy did i have anger. i can feel it...and it makes me cringe.
2 years into a real r now...and i still feel the exact same way about the whys, excuses and explanations. i think i feel even more stronger about it now....and i am in what i hope to be a real r.
my h is doing everything right. he is a different person than the monster i married. he basically went to rehab, fired all bad friends and family, and simply grew up in 2 years.
i am proud of his accomplishments...his dedication to our family. i really am. he has come a long way. those of you who know my story know what a complete asshole he was....the typical wayward.
my h came from a broken family....has a toxic family, had substance abuse issues, low self esteem....you name it...the list goes on and on.
and he has gotten help. i am happy for him.
but in no way....not for one minute does me "understanding" his personal problems make it any easier to accept him cheating multiple times on me. no way. the only thing it helps confirm is that..."man he is really fucked up....and i see why." you know? that is it.
but he still had choices. he did. and he CHOSE to crawl on top of some whores to make him "feel" better. i have accepted that he did that because he has issues...and that is all on him. not me. nothing to do with me really. he had a million ways to deal with his issues with himself and in our m...and chose the cowardly way to handle things. he has to own that, and take full responsibility. he was suppose to give a 100, just like me.
see...early on...the laundry list of personal issues he had made it tempting and easy...and even longing for that to "be the reason"...to make it okay...or easier to accept.
it didnt. no matter how much i hoped and wished it would. it didnt. i still hurt deeply...it hurt my soul that he still made "that choice."
damn.
but what has kept me married is the fact that he does OWN what he did. "i did it because i wanted to, and i didnt think i would get caught...i knew it would hurt you...so i lied...and it was wrong....i wish i could take it back, but i cant. all i can do is get help, and show in my behavior every day that i can be a honorable man and wont make the same bad decisions."
this is pretty much how he talks and all i will accept.
for my sitch...anything other than this...is just plain ole BS.
i am glad this post has helped some people. i know similar ones from veteran SIers saved me. seriously.
[This message edited by sri624 at 5:01 PM, September 19th (Friday)]
