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Morhurt ( member #40166) posted at 9:51 PM on Friday, April 4th, 2014
Oh man, I'm so sorry. Like LA, it took me a minute to realize that this started last Fall. Thank you for updating us and I'm so glad your son is ok, nothing is more stressful than having a sick child.
One thing really stood out for me:
So when she says "I wish you could move past it, because I have -- I NEVER think about him or have feelings for him"
This sounds very selfish of her and to me it shows that she has a LOT of work to do on herself. These are not the words of a remorseful WS. She has destroyed your life twice and yet she wants you to "move past it"? No. Look where "moving past" got you last time.
This time she needs to stop burying her feelings and actually work on healing herself and you need to fully feel everything and start to process.
She needs to know that this is a LIFE LONG journey. if you need to bring this up in 25 years and talk about OM, A time, whatever, she needs to be there for you and have true compassion.
I hope she goes to IC (and you too) and is able to begin the process of healing.
Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.
thisisnoteasy (original poster new member #35129) posted at 3:29 PM on Monday, April 7th, 2014
Thanks for all of the replies. Does anyone ever think that maybe instead of looking at the other person as 'broken' (which can be true), maybe our spouses broke NC because the heart wants what it wants sometimes, and it's either decide that you can stay married to someone who probably will have at least a small place in their heart for someone else forever, or don't and get divorced. Sorry for the negativity, but in my situation I'm really starting to think this is the reality.
ME: BH - 45
Her:FWS - 44
Dday - End of July 2011
3 Kids - 15,16,19- Married
20 years (together for 25 yrs)
9/4/13 -- found out they have had some texting and phone conversations 2 years into R.
bionicgal ( member #39803) posted at 3:44 PM on Monday, April 7th, 2014
Thisisnoteasy-
Most waywards who have done the work and are truly remorseful have no such "small place in their hearts.' You are misunderstanding the nature of an affair. It is not about love. We are talking two people who did the worst thing you can do to a person. . . allow them to act against themselves and their families. . . against all that is worthy and noble. Love protects -- love defends-- Love does not harm.
So, get the over-romanticized crapola out of your head. A wayward out of the fog generally has zero lingering positive feelings towards the AP. Literally, zero. It is like loving heroin after you kick it; not possible.
me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.
lordhasaplan? ( member #30079) posted at 4:11 PM on Monday, April 7th, 2014
There is no small place in a heart for someone who ruins your life and marriage. I would say, your not in R. You should protect yourself, for me this is a deal breaker. I would file yesterday and my WS knows that is the result.
BS- Me (45)D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10). Currently in R.Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.
twisted ( member #8873) posted at 4:12 PM on Monday, April 7th, 2014
If she is still allowing another man into her heart, she needs to get out of the marriage first. That's just not fair to you.
It is my experience that the WW's (and I assume WH's) are compulsively selfish and have rationalized their attachment to another while still married.
Three in a marriage is one too many. If mine had any any doubts, I'd have to go my separate way.
"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
IWantDoOver ( member #39440) posted at 4:52 PM on Monday, April 7th, 2014
maybe our spouses broke NC because the heart wants what it wants sometimes,
I doubt that your own wife will know what she truly wants until she
1. gets sober
2. gets some good IC under her belt.
flup ( member #21259) posted at 9:53 PM on Monday, April 7th, 2014
... and changes her GD phone number! No sense making it easy to communicate!
Me: BS 59Her: fWW 54
D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
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