SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wishing you strength and eventual peace. I can't imagine how painful this is right now, but I truly believe you are on a better path to happiness. Hopefully you will soon be breathing easier without this heavy yoke around your neck.

Please take good care of yourself and your sons.

I'm glad for you, in a way only people like us/me can understand, and you will see how true this is fully in the future.

I cried a river of tears from the pain of going through the infidelity mess, divorce, you name it... But now they are tears of joy, deep appreciative tears for surviving and never compromising myself, tears of gratefulness for the folks here, IRL, and elsewhere. Tears of relief that my DD made it through hell, and is doing OK, tears of gratitude that I have been with a lovely gal for over a year, who treats me so well... You will again have true joy, and freedom from a toxic, soul destroying monster completely undeserving of your time, thoughts and concern.

Please brace yourself, and be prepared to possibly see a very ugly face when the mask slips further during D. Strength to you friend.

mcha, She was upset with you for breaking your promise not to contact OM's wife! oh that's rich, confirmation that she is not capable of getting it as she cannot see the irony of her anger (she who broke her marital vows by screwing other men)and then she has yet the gall to ask if "we are doing the right thing" by divorce. Really? "we"? since when did she start worrying about what the right thing is? Your wife has a long road before to get herself right, you are right this is a tragedy, it is her tragedy, one that you cannot fix. That she is not actively seeking to mitigate the damage she is causing to others is telling, she hasn't hit bottom as a matter of fact she hasn't really yet realized how messy life is going to become. No Advice save this, it will get better, remember time wounds all heels

Mhca, I know this is incredibly hard, the devastation and loss of a marriage is indescribable I am sure.

However, I would caution you getting too emotional with your WW. For starters "we" shouldn't be making the right choice. Your wife already made the choice in regards to D, she broke a very explicit promise and that was lying and having a way to contact AP. She also showed her true colours by being angry at you for your choice to tell obs and even when D became the obvious course, still couldn't muster up enough emotion to beg for another chance at your marriage.

This woman has defiled your marriage, disrespected you and the kids, lied, cheated, remained unremorseful, chosen to protect everyone and his dog except you and the kids, and God knows what else... REPEATEDLY! this is not the time to stop thinking that anything she says or does right now does not have an ulterior motive. Your wife most likely remained in the marriage to begin with because it was comfortable and safe. She still is not going to want to let go of those things, so if she can keep you even a tiny bit emotionally invested in her, just enough to care and be generous with the settlements and the custody oh and maybe about telling people, oh and spousal support etc... Can you see where I am going with this.

How long has it been since you and her have made life decisions together? And suddenly the divorce is a "we" thing?

Sorry if this is harsh, but I'm really worried that you are being drawn into seeing her as the woman she thought she was, not the woman she has consistently shown her to be since dday 1. You are hugging and comforting the woman that cut out your heart and stomped on it only days ago! One thing if she was actually remorseful, another when she's only Regretful that's she just lost everything! Keep detaching mhca, stay the course of D. If she ever does get it then maybe you can reconsider, but don't lower the defences until that happens, this woman stole so much from you, divorcing doesn't mean she still won't if you give her half a chance!

Hi all, of course you are right. After suffering so gravely from the callous and cruel indifference of my STBXWW it's amazing that I can find myself giving her a hug, let alone being in the same room with her.

20+ years of devotion will do that I suppose. We came together over time. She destroyed the M in the blink of an eye, yet I need to step back and I can't do it instantly.

This makes me recall the time I was stationed on board a nuclear submarine with two months remaining before surfacing, and concurrently suffering a (then undiagnosed) severe clinical depression. That was a cakewalk compared to this.

To anyone that has witnessed the pain that an affair causes and chooses to proceed with one regardless: Fuck off.

Mhca, I know this is incredibly hard, the devastation and loss of a marriage is indescribable I am sure.

Sorry if this is harsh, but I'm really worried that you are being drawn into seeing her as the woman she thought she was, not the woman she has consistently shown her to be since dday 1. You are hugging and comforting the woman that cut out your heart and stomped on it only days ago! One thing if she was actually remorseful, another when she's only Regretful that's she just lost everything! Keep detaching mhca, stay the course of D. If she ever does get it then maybe you can reconsider, but don't lower the defences until that happens, this woman stole so much from you, divorcing doesn't mean she still won't if you give her half a chance!

MHCA

Please reread this post from Romantic Innocence. She said it much more eloquently that i could have

but it hits the nail on the head and is exactly right.

Stay strong. And thanks for your service.

Well that was a shitty day. I showed up to work and the conspicuous absence of our newly-fired VP made things uncomfortable to start. He was a good guy and one of the people that made things work well IMO. His (hopefully temporary) replacement is not a fan of mine to say the least. I'm out of my position and moved to one that I didn't ask for. How much longer I'll stay at this company is an open question. That's life in Silicon Valley.

But the bigger thing is that it's all so real now. I came home to an empty house as STBXWW and DS15 were visiting friends. Other DS is on a camping trip. The silence is deafening. It's clear now that we've passed the Rubicon. She came home late without DS (who stayed the night with his friend) and passed over the take-out food that she brought from the restaurant they were at. I thanked her and she motioned to hug me but I declined, and asked her to leave me alone. I can't recall ever asking for her to leave my presence. We exchanged a couple of perfunctory text messages while we were both in the house.

Sitting and eating it was such a sad feeling. More waves of pain and anguish came out. Rather than sit in silence I decided to go to the movies. Medicore futuristic dystopian nihilistic violence, "The Purge," in retrospect an extraordinarily poor choice given my state of mind but probably better than anything with a shred of romance in it.

I also felt waves of anger come forth. Driving is a good place for this; you can shout whatever you like and no one can hear it.

Woke up this morning, again to an empty silent house. STBXWW stayed the night at another girlfriend's house. I guess it's time to start getting used to time alone. I've had so little of it the last 20 years that whenever a day to myself came along I thought of it as kind of a treat. Now it feels oppressive.

So now back at work. I need to find out from my boss what exactly my job is. Later I'll speculate on where I'll live (maybe she'll move out instead?) and when I'll next find love.

What horrible anguish. Just fucking sucks.

When my parents divorced, my dad kept the house and had a terrible time with the quiet.

So he got an expensive sound system and a compilation of all his favorite music and has the thing playing from morning till night.

I know it sounds unhelpful, but music soothes the soul and the quiet WILL get to you if you don't find a way to cope.

I know this is a bandaid for someone who has suffered a shotgun blast to the chest, but the only way we get back out into the light it to claw our way there.

Deliberately fill the silence if it hurts you. It will help, I promise.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:47 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]

I am sorry to hear about this. I did think your wife would get it sooner or later and that her attitude was mainly defensive posturing for the time being.

It is shocking when you realize you were being lied to and manipulated all the time you were trying to help. The secret phone number is beyond hurtful, and I doubt your wife will understand how keeping secrets like this hurts so much. At least she will never understand it until it happens to her.

And to think, this started possibly because of a MC friend. I wonder if that MC knows what her so-called advice has caused.

Even though I am not overly religious, but I believe that having faith usually does work. And considering where you work, you never know what possibilities are around the corner in Silicon Valley.

Hang in there mhca. I know this shit hurts more than anything. You are mourning the loss of a lot of things. Keep moving forward. I know it has to be tough to keep having your system shocked in many different ways as the reality sets in. Know that with each passing moment it gets easier to detach from her and will continue to get easier as time goes on. Keep yourself busy as much as you can. Any projects that you've wanted to get to that you have been able to for a long time? Now is the time. What about those D to do lists to also keep you busy.

I also Like Jrazz's idea. Music does sooth the soul.

Keep posting even if it's just to vent. Let us know that you're ok as you go.

Sending you continues strength and courage.

yop

Thanks for the great advice everybody.

One of the best decisions I've ever made was to start playing ice hockey. (Not so good that I waited until I was 42 to learn but hey, whatever).

So I'm going to go play tonight. It will be my first game as a free, unencumbered man. It will be my first game since the first D-Day that I won't feel the burden of somehow aligning myself with my STBXWW who fucked me over so badly. First game since then that I'll be free of worry if she really does love me.

I have a feeling that it's going to be a great game.

BTW: I'm a goalie. I wonder if single women appreciate that sort of flexibility? Geez I'm getting ahead of myself. But my mind is racing so I'm going to just go with it.

You go have a good time. You deserve it.

Just do t get hit in the head with the puck

Just don't get hit in the head with the puck.

Heh, thanks Badhurt. This was one of the few games recently that I didn't get hit in the head. But I don't mind as long as it stays out of the net.

It was a very good game, I played well, lots of high fives. First game since December that I could focus and wasn't worried about whether I would be getting divorced (since now I know I'm getting divorced!)

I'm still feeling a big stress hangover and I expect continued emotional swings, but I feel like now I'm going to get my life back and it feels good.

Thanks so much to the entire SI community for helping me through this nightmare.