SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

ConstantLearner

I get the point you are making but I see it differently

The way I see it there is a million different influences and choices that get you to the point of having your finger on the detonation button.

But you chose to push it. That's decision is the one you have to own, completely and without defenses.

And no matter how much you analyse what got you there something made it okay to push. You could have steadfastly refused and fought to move away but you didn't.

And nobody had a gun to our heads when we pressed the button.

The marriage before hand may have created the environment but you still chose the route you chose when other healthier routes were available.

[This message edited by ConstantLearner at 2:31 AM, February 28th (Wednesday)]

[This message edited by ConstantLearner at 2:32 AM, February 28th (Wednesday)]

Ok let me know if I misunderstood this all

The M was was unhealthy before the A. The M is unhealthy after the A. Now you want your H to have better coping skills now for the unhealthy part in his wrong before the A but he don’t know how to do that because you cheated. You want your H to deal with all the issues he did wrong before. You didn’t want to stay in the M but you don’t want to D. You don’t trust or respect your H. Why?

What the issues before the A that was bad?

I guess I am at a lost here because it really sound like you do t want to be with your H but want him to become healthier Better coping skills for the unhealthy part he did wrong. I really don’t see the BS can think about when the WS chooses to cheat on them. At the end of the day we all have choices to make regardless on how hard it is. People look at making choices and see how hard it but choose not to do it because they don’t what to face what’s going to be the hardest part on making that choice or choosing that path. No one is stuck or trapped in a M. We have the right to leave the question is are we going to even if it’s going to be really hard to do so.

It sounds like your waiting around to see if your H is willing to change n become healthier to determinedd if your willing to put in the effort also. Like he needs to show you first before you can make a choice. The only person you can change is yourself. There was a lot more you could of done instead of cheat but you did. Us WS are in the same boat when it comes to we all made bad choices and didn’t handle it properly like we should of. Reading all your post I think you should D because you don’t trust or respect him don’t tag him along thinking your willing to R when you can’t see past his issues. Your have your own issues to work on. Work on that. He needs to handle his own.

Why was D not an option back then?

I am glad there was something in there to glean because I really felt most of it was discounted. I take that in stride because I discounted much of it when I was where you are. However, I am not sure how I would ever answer your recent question. I know sometimes it's frustrating to hear but both of us could have chosen something different.

You are saying you did X,Y,Z, were exhausted by the efforts, had an affair that was going to be a fling and stay with your husband, but then became more like an exit affair. Because divorce wasn't an option? So if we take affair and divorce out of the options...

I guess the other options would be: Accept what you can't change and find a way to adapt? Or have an open marriage? There aren't many choices left.

I am really trying here, but it feels like you want the answer to be its understandable you had an affair? It's understandable I had an affair? I just don't think that's a sane answer. We all know what led to our affairs, and once you are remorseful of it you know how bad it was. And, once you know how bad it was, Divorce does seem a heck of a lot better, or anything else would seem a heck of a lot better.

I relate to you because in the course of the fling you begin to magnify the deficiencies in the marriage...rewriting it in your mind to be worse than it is. (you may not believe that right now, I didn't) I know because I did this and that's how it came to be almost an exit affair for me. And you haven't gotten to remorse, or to see the damage even because your husband does the pick me dance instead of making you walk a hard line.

You have to understand that all of the people responding to you are waywards. None of them are betrayed spouses. Most of who responded have gotten themselves out of infidelity. The reason they are answering the question the way they are is because it's truthful. Most of us have had to watch our spouses suffer immensely and have deep remorse for what we did.

I am trying to explain this to you because you have to stop reading this as people shaming you. They are just trying to answer your question. The answer is anything but this.

As long as you stay in the affair, you do not have remorse for what you have done. You would not want anything to do with the AP. Unless you climb the ladder you won't see the viewpoint.

Again, I am really not trying to shame you. Obviously I did the same things. All these others have done the same or similar things. We are all just at different stages of the view point. I don't think anyone can help you at this point, because there is always another reason or layer that you put on it to discount the responses. I really hope you will reread this with fresh eyes on another day but honestly most everyone here is trying to help you.

You say there is 2% of you that thinks wait on the divorce. That's okay, I get that. But, that 2% is not going to change unless you give up your AP, and you really hold up a mirror. Nothing else can change until that changes. Not your husband's codependency, not your level of remorse, or your level of being able to understand where folks are coming from on this. You will find no one here that will be supportive of having an affair, because if we did we would not be helpful at all. We would be unsafe in the way you describe your husband. We would be enabling you.

I would recommend looking at some of the support forums for Extra Marital Relationships. 1. you will get support about having an affair. You will be able to have the viewpoint that they are warranted and can be healthy 2. You will begin to read and see the patterns of the affairs out there and see that they have a specific dynamic and elicit a specific psychological response from people in them. That's just not what this forum is.

I identify with you on a lot of levels. When I first came here it’s easy to play the victim and have the comeback of “they don’t know me”. I do agree that there are going to be people here who are angry, judgmental and need to vent. Given the hurt that people share here I think it’s more than understandable. You absolutely have a right to state the way your feeling as do the other waywards here. It hurts me personally to read your posts because there are BS like my H that struggle to come to terms that the A wasn’t their fault in ANY way, marriages can be awful but no one gets a pass to cheat. There is no justification. I guess my question would be why are you really here? Was the point of your post to get some validation or to learn from a different perspective? Was the point to learn at all? No one is forcing you to be here, and I’m new to the site as well but I’ve seen what it can do. Please don’t try to minimize the impact of what a large number of people can do for others because of a few off handed comments. Start with your why like others I’m sure have suggested and see where it leads you. Good luck