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Identity crisis- my opinion is that a WS bomb they created and blew up does not entitle the BS to partake in poor coping mechanisms. That’s where it sounds like your husband is. For me, the shit got real on dday and I decided poor coping was out. It’s something we’ve both worked on. Will your husband talk to you? Have you talked about your feelings regarding alcohol? I hope you guys are able to work through these things. Do you guys go to counseling?

Holy. Moly. I’m so sorry my original post devolved into something else. First, let me thank each and everyone of you guys for taking the time to write your deepesr issues with intimacy after such a life shattering event such as an affair. My life is no better than it was 6.5 months ago at discovery. In fact it’s worse now that HB is just no longer on the table. It’s ok. I will be ok. I just won’t ever be the same. Again thank you all for your beautiful words.

Later in this thread, we got on the subject of revenge affairs. Actually, let’s not call it that because there is no possible way to achieve revenge. Our WS will NEVER feel the same amount of pain or despair we have. Fact. There’s no way to exact a revenge that would be fulfilling. Besides, who here could really hurt anyone the way we were hurt? I’m serious that I wouldn’t wish this on anyone (except Hitler, Osama, and your run of the mill child rapist).

I too want the excitement of a new passionate woman. No doubts there. What strikes me more than my original post is the difference of opinion in regards to sex after infidelity. It seems that we are split. Some have a softer heart and can cry and bond with their WS. Others like me, resent her dreadfully and couldn’t imagine being vulnerable again.

One thing is clear...only time will tell.

I’m so very sorry you all are here. But I’m very happy you’re all here with me.

Yes. It takes time. No way I was bonding or anything much at all at 6 months out. I know time is a crappy four letter word but it’s true. One tiny step at a time. We e all felt pain, anger, resentment. It is possible to feel those things about the A yet still move forward.

W3IRZ, I admire that you've taken that path. You sound very strong. M H has refused counseling, so no, we don't go. We do talk...after the initial big bust-up, he will eventually calm down. At some point we will get through to the "real issue." But it takes some serious digging...he has some MAJOR defense mechanisms.

Yes, I've told him many times how much I dislike the alcohol misuse. He has had moments of cutting back, after serious conversations, but then he goes right back to it.

He still tells me, on a far too regular basis, that he feels "diminutive" around me. Which I can honestly say is not on me at this point. I realize that there is history there, and I have caused him to feel certain insecurities. But I certainly do NOTHING to put him down or make him feel bad about himself. I am not a critical or disrespectful person. I have actually never been a nagging type of wife. If anything, I feel nagged by him, criticized by him. So his assessment is very unfair. This is HIS issue. And I cannot seem to help him.

Constantly soothing him, lifting him up, trying to make him feel good and strong...that is what is becoming a challenge.

SOrry for the thread jack. Identity crisis - I think I’d sit down and have a serious conversation with him. If he’s refusing counseling fine, but he must be willing to open up to you. Otherwise there’s no marriage. We had very little counseling so I’m not of the opinion that it is necessary in order to R.

I think I’d start your conversations by talking about the ideal marriage to both of you. What does it look like? Do you guys do certain things together? Do you have certain routines like talking together every night? Do you have future dreams to share? Expect some resistance. He’ll probably be passive aggressive about some of this and say his dreams of marriage didn’t include infidelity. That’s warranted right? Part of his issue now is he’s afraid to be vulnerable to you. So your response should be empathetic and apologetic. Tell him that you are sorry and you screwed up and you really wish you could change it. Ask how you can make it better?

I’d imagine this conversation should carry on several times talking about future plans. Then I’d begin talks about how you guys can get to this ideal marriage despite what happened. I really think empathetic communication is key and let him know that you will do whatever you can to fix your side, but he’s going to have to help too even though it’s not fair because that is what a marriage is. Tell him that you want to become his ideal wife but he has to be willing to accept you as that.

Ultimately now my husband and I put our marriage first. When one of us slips up and starts becoming passive aggressive or conflict avoidant we call each other on it. Because our marriage is first, we fix the negative behavior. I think your husband needs to begin to put the marriage first.

STXBH, in response to your original question, I knew about my wife's long term affair from the beginning. My wife changed when we were intimate from the get go. I like to say that she was making love to her AP and she was having sex with me the whole time the affair was going on. I had gone into defense mode from the beginning and I found that I was just taking care of my physical needs. Lousy of me but nothing compared to what she was doing. D-day, or when she started to confess I should say, was 5 months ago and I find that I am still doing the same thing.

What I find is nothing makes a decent erection disappear quicker than thinking about the D-bag doing the same thing to my wife so I try to avoid the thought and just think about what's happening. It does enter my mind though at times and that is usually the end of the session.

The D-bag was not all that good if what my wife says is true. He was never able to get her off and she ended up frustrated a few times and going off to the bathroom to take care of herself. I have always made a point of getting my wife off first and she has pointed that out many times. Maybe I feel better about myself because of that.

Just try concentrating on the moment and do your own thing and enjoy it. Only run the mind movies that work for you two. Bottom line, this sucks for all of us. Best of luck to you.

Sex is one of the hardest parts for me after my h's infidelity. I'm three years out. The rapid mind movies stopped thankfully. I've tried focusing on the moment, but it takes so much self talk in my head and effort to not think about anything bad (h with others and the gross factor) that I lose interest and can't wait for it to be over. I really fully and completely enjoyed sex before. My sex drive was higher than h's. I felt like I should have sex with him for a long time after infidelity so he wouldn't feel any need to stray again. Lately I still want it physically but I dread it so much I'm getting to where I'd rather not even have it. Before infidelity, I was a lights on totally comfortable. After I fidelity, I want it dark and I Dont want to look at h. It's horrible and sad. Our functional life is great. H is very helpful and we're polite to each other. Our love life may never recover. If we didn't have a young son, I'm pretty sure I would have left.

Women- Knowing that sex can, traditionally, be more emotional for you, I can only imagine how difficult sex is for you.

We had HB probably starting on d-day. We had it for a few months and it was fantastic. Then, when all the HB nearly killed my FWH (literally, he had a 95% clogged artery to his heart we were unaware of) we had to slow down. Mind movies started to become intense and it was awful. I found something that finally worked for me to chase the mind movies away. However, now what started happening was I couldn't get "there". Sooooooo frustrating!

What started working for me, and I don't know how I figured this one out, was I started calling my FWH names in my head and ordering him around in my head sexually. Ordering him to do this, do that longer, etc. etc. Lo and behold, I would get "there". Someone suggested I say these things out loud, but I didn't want to do that. It was working fine for me this way. STBXH, I know you said you didn't want the "whore" verbiage, and I understand. I don't, and didn't, want that kind of sex life, either. That isn't me, that isn't us. But, for a season, that is what worked for me, in my head. After awhile I stopped the in head "domineering" and was able to have the usual thoughts or non-thoughts, if you will, during sex and I got "there" again. Still do!

This conversation always ends up like This. Two sides of the fence. STBXH, we have had a good convo and I know your pain man. Simply put, it’s pretty much impossible to treasure you’re wife like an incredible beautiful goddess like we once did.. a part of you will always see her as another mans whore and it sucks. Honestly, that’s her fault -and the way I combatted it was to see her as my whore as well. Didn’t help us reconcile though, we divorced. Some guys aren’t hardwired to make peace with disrespect to our manhood. I feel empathy for her now, but only because I know my life is better without her, and she lost the best thing she had. You need to tell your wife exactly how you feel, and what you feel you need. If you can’t accept it, you need to move on brother. It’s hard, but I’m so happy I did. My new girl is younger, sweeter, prettier and smarter than my ex. And hey, if she cheats on me, at least this time I’ll know how to handle it. My eyes are open. But I’d rather take the chance with undamaged goods than with damaged. That’s just me, my experience. Not painting everyone else’s choices as wrong, just individual.

Mancunian- I totally understand your rage and your feelings. It seems anytime someone comes here feeling the way they do, the morally righteous mightier than thou pack come swarming in to attack. They are entitled to their opinions, and you are to yours. I slept with my ex wife’s OMs wife. That was the closest thing to justice I could attain and I relished in hurting my enemy. The righteous crowd can and will knock it, but I just don’t frankly give a fuck. My lessons are learned for me. I will say this-it did nothing to heal my pain and the void from what my wife did. It felt good to get justice against the OM, but in the end, I did regret hurting my ex. In fact, I think it broke her further. It’s not worth it.

I totally understand wanting to experience new women, passion, lust and everything you deserve. Anybody who preaches the religious card, the moral aspect, well they aren’t you. You know your priorities, and frankly I’m not judging. But purely for your sake, not your shitty wife’s, do things the right way. If you want to separate, and have passionate steamy sex with a better looking younger woman and rub your wife’s nose in it, go for it. But don’t cheat to do it. I don’t give a rats ass about your wife, or her feelings, she threw away any sympathy she deserved over 15 years of fuckimg you over. But I do care about how you will end up feeling, and you gotta trust me on this. It will be a hell of a lot more fulfilling not to cheat, because you won’t suffer guilt.

Maybe an alternative is to just get firm with your wife, and put her in her place. Don’t nice into it, or seeet talk her. Tell her what you need and expect. Tell her how you feel about the OM situation. If I could have legally, I’d have killed my wife’s OM and made her watch. I totally get the rage. But if your hesitation is financial liability to your wife, get her to cede assets to you in a post nip, and give you favorable divorce terms like no alimony, and Bite the bullet on divorce. Don’t suffer where you are and compounds your woes, take it from me. I’m not high and mighty, nor do I give one shit about grace, and righteousness in this way. I’m practical and blunt, a lot like how you feel. But I’ve been where you are, and I know what you want. It won’t heal you, and if your wife’s finds out, you have no leverage.

My counsel? Guilt her like hell into giving you good divorce terms, take what you need from her, ditch her legally, and upgrade. But whatever you do, don’t cheat.

[This message edited by nicenomore at 2:37 PM, March 22nd (Thursday)]

W3IRZ, I admire that you've taken that path. You sound very strong. M H has refused counseling, so no, we don't go. We do talk...after the initial big bust-up, he will eventually calm down. At some point we will get through to the "real issue." But it takes some serious digging...he has some MAJOR defense mechanisms.

Yes, I've told him many times how much I dislike the alcohol misuse. He has had moments of cutting back, after serious conversations, but then he goes right back to it.

He still tells me, on a far too regular basis, that he feels "diminutive" around me. Which I can honestly say is not on me at this point. I realize that there is history there, and I have caused him to feel certain insecurities. But I certainly do NOTHING to put him down or make him feel bad about himself. I am not a critical or disrespectful person. I have actually never been a nagging type of wife. If anything, I feel nagged by him, criticized by him. So his assessment is very unfair. This is HIS issue. And I cannot seem to help him.

Constantly soothing him, lifting him up, trying to make him feel good and strong...that is what is becoming a challenge.

IMO it is you who are missing something he is trying to communicate to you. I hope at some point you can reestablish that communication to the point where the two of you are in parity and you can internalize the pain he is feeling.

Yopu sound a lot like my WW did in the first few weeks after DDay. I responded to her lack or empathy by not talking at all. Then at some point my feelings for her shut off completely, and to some extent they are still shut off. Difference between your husband and me is I do not exhibit insecurity.

I hope you can reach him before he shuts down and goes flat like I am. That is far worse than having him angry or frustrated with you.

Identity- despite the anger humiliation and emasculation your husband feels, logically he has to come to the point that he understands he has to be committed to R as well, or not and move on. There’s no denying that you put him there, but he isn stuck in no mans land.

All I can say to you is, continue to cherish him, submit to him, make him feel powerful and like a man again, soothe him, listen to him, give him the sex he wants, better than anything AP got, and treasure him. When you get down on yourself, remind yourself why you are here. Eventually the tide may turn, because honestly, most guys would never stay around for a second betrayal. I’m a lot of ways he is very strong for it, but his male ego was murdered. He feels cuckolded and humiliated by another man.

He feels powerless when it comes to the AP. Plain and simple, he pulled a power move on your BH and BH just has to take it. He stews in it. It eats at him, and he lashes out at you. It may not surprise you to know that it would be amazing for your H of your AP died a shocking slow and gruesome death.. does it? Your husband needs to feel like number one again, and struggles doing that because of what you did to him. But he also needs to own his circumstance, despite the unfairness of what was done to him. It’s a raw deal, but if he isn’t going to get better, he hasn’t every right to leave you and find someone better. He hasn’t yet though, so for the time he wants you, but of that’s the case, he us to help rebuild what’s you broke, or this will never work.

Nicenomore, honest to God, I am NEVER disappointed in your posts. Never!

I’m in R and this issue has been attacking me. I’m still young and have pretty robust sexual urges. It’s just that my wife doesn’t do it for me anymore because of the affair. I hate this feeling because I am committed to R as long as I can take it. I went from having the BEST sexual partner any man could ever ask for (Im sure her AP felt the same) to the worst. I’m really hoping this goes away. Otherwise, I might not be able to handle R. Although, what kind of man would I be if I didn’t face this hell head-on? I have children that are counting on me. But do I stay and put up with uncomfortable, sickening sex and the emasculation for my kids? I feel so emotionally trapped by all this that I have nowhere else to go but here and vent to strangers on SI.

Btw, thank you everyone for the replies. But let’s all take it easy on others that are suffering like manicunian. He’s just trying to figure it out like everyone else. Don’t forget he wouldn’t of had these desires if his WW would of just kept her legs closed. It’s all unfair and people have different backgrounds and reactions to trauma. Sex is important to people and if that’s what he wants, let him be. Let him make the mistakes if he wants. Let’s all just be kind to each other, this shit is difficult ...

[This message edited by STBXH at 1:32 PM, March 22nd (Thursday)]

Nicenomore

.

I slept with my ex wife’s OM.

LOL😂😂😂😂

^^^

oh nice, heavens, get back here to edit.

not that there's anything WRONG with that but it's not how it shook out.

[This message edited by sewardak at 2:33 PM, March 22nd (Thursday)]

LOL now that would really have shaken things up!

Oops... editing is my friend

This may sound odd to most people here but the way I have dealt with sex with my partner is just not having any. We tried after her affair but she seemed bored and lifeless. I got tired of feeling rejected and just gave up.

What I had decided was the other things we still seemed to have like affection and love for each other out weighed the desire for sex. For me having sex with someone who is not interested is worse than no sex.

Believe it or not I have become satisfied with our current situation as it has taken some of the pressure off our relationship.You have to decide what is most important in your own life and don't worry bout societal norms.

Dday 08/13

R since then

Reminder: There is no venting about or name calling the OP in the Reconciliation Forum.

Nicenomore, you have a pm.

He still tells me, on a far too regular basis, that he feels "diminutive" around me.

That's his problem to solve.

Being nice to him, telling him you want to make a life together, etc. ... these might help him get out of his feeling small, but the cure has to come from inside himself. It can only come from inside himself.

I wonder if he's avoiding IC because he wants to avoid facing his sense of not having impact, or whatever it is....

The next time he says it, it might help for you to ask, 'Well, do you want to change that?' If he does, you might follow up with, 'That's what IC is for.'