SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife texted me today and said she will cut ties with the other guy but still doesn't mean she doesnt want out.

Ya know, I'd be a gazillionaire right now if I got a penny for every WS that said something like that.

Another version is, 'I am not divorcing you because of my AP. We were already having problems before I met my AP.'

The split is ALWAYS because of their lurve for their AP.

This is the first time though she said she will cut ties.

Again, another famous phrase used by waywards. It usually ends up being not true. Talk is cheap. What matters most are the actions they take to repair the damage they caused.

If your WS is not chasing you, and is still pondering the benefits of staying with you, then it is a no brainer for you. Just get out. If a life partner has to think about why they should stay with the other partner, then it is pretty much game over.

Although I didn't read all the responses to your post, you will get a lot of useful information here. You may have already gotten much of this device and made these decisions, but if you have not, then here is what my experience taught me (I'm still with my wife but it was a fucking hell on earth at times).

Pause, think about yourself, what you have given in the marriage, and what your WS has given, and the behavior of having an affair.

The other question is the main underlying issue of why she had an affair in the first place.

That is the heart of every affair, and the answer is different in each case, similar but different. If she, not you, but her, does not address her underlying issues, then she will repeat the pattern of behavior.

About 3 months ago, she told me she thought we should separate because I don’t put her first.

What she meant to say is that she thought you should separate because it would make having an affair easier.

Where has she been putting you? Certainly not first. Selfish has a definition, and affairs are selfish behaviors writ large.

I would like to get some feedback about giving her time to decide on what she wants to do. Part of me wants to move out tonight and let her really see what it’s like without me.

Don't move out. Stay, it is your home, not the AP and WS's home, it is your home and your WS home. You didn't cheat, keep your home and family.

Put your foot down, gently, let her know that you are not waiting around for her to decide, you are not going to be put in a holding pattern while her and her boyfriend to experiment with playing house. Let them deal with real life, no more fairytales.

Expose the affair, let her know that if she does not break it off immediately, and go completely no contact, enter IC, and MC with you, then you will file for divorce. Reality sucks, but that is the reality of many affairs, they end the marriage, and they

My wife told me he has mentioned to his wife he wants a divorce and told my wife he had an appointment scheduled to meet with an attorney, but that was before the Corona lockdown and the attorneys offices are closed (who knows how true this is).

You should clear the way for that divorce to happen, give his wife the information that she needs to understand what is going on in her marriage, just make sure that she knows and they will have time to talk about it during the coronavirus pandemic restrictions.

You had one more question, regarding those of use who have repaired their marriages.

Yes, we did that in a fashion, frankly, the marriage was irreparably damaged, but we patched together as best it can be, it is like a three legged dog, it can get around, but certainly can't run like it used to.

That took 4 years of MC, my FWS was in IC for nearly 10 years, still is occasionally, and went to AA, stopped drinking (and admitted how much she was drinking in secret), stopped smoking pot in secret (from me only apparently), and had to drop some friends of her bad habits (but they were not friends of the marriage).

My FWS, she had to GROW THE FUCK UP and do so quickly, own her shit, and shovel it, and stop blaming me for everything that wasn't perfect.

She still doesn't quite get it. Probably never will, but she is still learning, and part of it has been unlearning terrible dysfunctional behaviors she learned growing up, getting mental health care that was competent, and being open about her issues.

Sounds terrible, looks terrible, when typed, but it was what reality was.

My FWS had spent most of her adult life, much of it with me, hiding things, lying, and avoiding responsibility, and the affair was just part of this, she was still acting like a teenager in secret, while presenting to the general world as an responsible adult, involved and competent parent, and loving spouse, but there was a dark side, all the secrets she had kept, etc.

Reality is, you don't really know who you married, you thought you did, but you married someone who could cheat on your for several months, lie to your face, and endanger the entire family. Just like I did. Now, you have to find out the reality of your situation, and figure out if the WS will put in the work.

It will not be a smooth road.

Read a lot here, learn a lot, learn how to protect yourself, learn how to protect your family. Remember, we are all experts, but only in our own marriages.

Sorry you're here man. This is bad enough on its own, but having to shelter in place with the cheater is beyond evil!

The other question is the main underlying issue of why she had an affair in the first place. Let’s say she wants to repair our marriage, is the underlying issue of me not making her feel #1 just going to kick the can down the road. About 3 months ago, she told me she thought we should separate because I don’t put her first. Over the past 3 months, I’ve been trying my hardest to put her first, but if since she’s had a boyfriend the entire time, she doesn’t think I’m trying to put her first.

So.....YOU failed to put her 1st while SHE is sleeping with another married man? This is classic rewriting of the marital history. Do not accept this crap.

Latest Update.

I did talk to an attorney this morning. My wife texted me today and said she will cut ties with the other guy but still doesn't mean she doesnt want out. She said she needs time. she feels lot of pressure and both of us are exhausted and isn't a decision that needs to be made overnight.

Obviously after reading a lot of your posts, it will be tough for her to cut ties with the other guy.

This is the first time though she said she will cut ties. I will say that is a start. I think I can forgive but never forget. Either path will be a tough one.

You have her cornered. She's stalling for time.

My XWW did the same thing. Promised no contact (lied), said she felt pressured, needed time...bla bla . It's always the same. Cheaters all use the same script.

Something else to think about. Based on everything I've read and experienced.

Once most women fall out of love with a man, they don't fall back in. This is 100% true if they have someone else.

Please follow the great advice you've received here and move forward. The longer you drag this out, the more painful it will be.

I know this from personal experience. Stress is a killer. The sooner you act, the sooner you'll be through this.

I pray you find the strength to do what needs to be done.

There is nothing you can do with her now. Block her from your mind.

With a laser focus -

1. Continue talking to the attorney so that you understand your rights

2. Contact the other betrayed spouse.

Literally nothing else matters at this point until that list is complete. Make sure that you are eating and drinking lots of fluids. You'll know where you stand when you contact his wife. You'll also quickly know if they're still in contact - DO NOT LET YOUR WIFE KNOW YOU ARE CONTACTING HER.

Please tell the OBS ASAP. The longer you wait the longer they have to create an alibi or word things so it looks like you are the crazy one making things up. Telling the OBS will go a long way in getting your WW to cut ties, make a decision, get out of limbo.

I'm sure your WW has been in touch with OM and he has told her he wants to put things on pause while in Quarantine. They have probably taken things underground as far as the Affair. What I'm trying to say is that the plan is to keep you in limbo.

Please don't rugsweep this. Please don't do the pick-me dance. Your best way out of this limbo is action. She wants to cake eat until OM says he is ready. She needs a douse of reality. Tell the OM, expose the affair, file...

So, what are you going to do if you find out that she is keeping intouch with OM? Please think about this now because after a 6-7 month affair I'm sure it's happening.

I truly believe that OM will throw your WW under the bus as soon as his wife finds out. You need to tell her ASAP. It's not revenge it's the right thing to do.

Latest Update.

I did talk to an attorney this morning. My wife texted me today and said she will cut ties with the other guy but still doesn't mean she doesnt want out. She said she needs time. she feels lot of pressure and both of us are exhausted and isn't a decision that needs to be made overnight.

Obviously after reading a lot of your posts, it will be tough for her to cut ties with the other guy.

This is the first time though she said she will cut ties. I will say that is a start. I think I can forgive but never forget. Either path will be a tough one.

Well that sure was swell of her.

EXCEPT, she ALREADY took marriage vows when she promised you not to be talking to other men like this. And she broke them. And when you asked her about her affair, she lied to you, and would not come clean until you presented her with such strong evidence that is.

So do you really believe her?

What the others already said.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 10:38 AM, April 8th (Wednesday)]

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:17 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

Post nuptial agreement SP. Get a divorce agreement form from your lawyer and start working out the divorce (post nuptial) details now while the situation is fresh. This will not only secure your and your children's futures but will also let your cheating wife know right now, today, that you are serious as hell. If she doesn't get her head out of her ass fast enough, then us the agreement to get a speedy divorce.

Remember, the worst thing that you can do is show weakness. Don't play the pick-me game and don't promise her anything regarding your relationship plans.

Work hard to find the other man's wife. I bet he's lying to your wife about his marriage troubles and his wife obviously has no clue that he's a cheating dirt-bag. By contacting his wife you drive a stake into the heart of this affair.

Take care of yourself and put yourself first in everything from here out. Take everything your cheating wife says with a huge grain of salt. She's been lying to you for months. Don't think that she's not gotten good at it and don't think that she won't do this again.

I'm sorry about your situation and I do wish the best for you.

One day at a time brother, Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Take your time R or D it is you to you. WW can say if she is in or out. But ultimately it is your call.

A word of advice. Start the ball rolling when available regarding the D. It will show WW you are not going to rug sweep the A. It can be stopped at any time. Also regardless of what WW says. Contact the AP’ s wife and let her know. She may be gaslighting you.

The reason i say this is that she has proven to lie, directly to your face, as well as miss lead you and the children. Her words mean nothing. If you decide to R or D, you will need constant proof of what she says.

If she goes to the condo, OM will move in!

One day at a time.

Buffer

Southpaw, how are you doing? Keep us updated so we can help you.

Everyone, here is the latest update. Over the past 12-13 Days, i've had mixed emotions and sometimes I want a divorce and other times I want to make it work. I love my wife very much. I can forgive, but never forget.

She has said she doesn't know what she wants either. She is in love with 2 people. I told her every day that goes by that she can't commit to us rebuilding makes me move further away.

She refuses to give me access to her phone and she turned off her phone GPS. I installed GPS in her car 2 days ago and tracked her to a parking lot right after work. I called her out on it and she said they were just talking.

She told me yesterday she told him she wants to repair our marriage and he said that what he feared but still going through with his divorce.

Couple of notes:

She told me he was 36, likes to work out, and makes $250k a year. And that I didn't know him.

She said she needed to go hiking up north today and would come back tomororw. She said he was going to come, but now he's not and she just needs some time by herself.

I tracked her car to a carpool lot off the highway today and then she got back on the highway. I drove to the lot and there were only 2 cars. I ran the plates and found out the guys name is Mark XXXX which is guy that works for her. She is his boss.

Over the past 13 days, all I can think about was who it is. I was obssesive about it. Now that I know who he is, my feelings of trying to save this marriage are less.

By the way, i met the guy a lot and he's fat, doesn't work out and definitley doesn't make 250k a year. It was all bullshit with the exception that we was 36 and had 2 little kids.

I called his wife today and told her everything. She said he asked for a divorce 2 weeks ago and thought he might be having an affair. She even said she thought it might be my wife.

My wife now knows I know who he is and that her trip up north today is with him. by the way we are on lockdown so not sure why shes staying in a hotel.

Im not tooting my horn, but I'm like Brad Pitt compared to this guy. He listens to her and they have good conversation so there is no way their affair started out as sexual.

We have 3 kids and my wife did tell me last night she wants to go to counseling and that she would give this guy up. Apperently she wanted one last fling, but I know better than that. The fact they work together just adds to the difficulty.

One of them can switch business locations, so that can happen, but now I'm struggling with the fact is I want to keep this going. I still love her, want to keep our family intact. As a child of divorce, I do not want my kids to go through that.

I started a tinder account a day ago and already have some leads so maybe tonight while the wife is away, I go to town.

She has made her choice. You would be better served to accept that. I understand your feelings about divorce. But your kids are currently in an abusive home. Your wife is a lousy mother, and is openly choosing another man over her children.

Please stay off of dating sites. Are you really wanting to be the mind not man who uses women to make himself feel better?

Depending on the firm and their policies, as his boss she could be fired.

SP, how many times has she said she would end it with him only for you to catch her with him all over again? I skimmed your thread and counted at least 4 and I didn't even look that hard. 4+ times she gave you false R and a new DDay. Why in the world are you believe her when she says she will end it with him and commit to the marriage. STOP!

It doesn't matter to her what he looks like or how much money he makes. Yes, she is a complete fool to trade down for him but that's exactly what she's doing. And you are letting her get away with it because you think she will crawl back to you after she's done having fun with him! Do you want to be plan B? Do you want to stick around while she plans a future with him in the off chance that she doesn't go through with it?

It's hard to imagine why you're not frothing at the mouth and calling up every lawyer in town right now. The disrespect she is showing you is astounding. It's disgusting. I really hope you are not still sharing a bed with her and swapping fluids while she goes on rendezvous with him all day in parking lots and hotels. That stops right this minute and you might want to get an STD test too.

My wife now knows I know who he is and that her trip up north today is with him. by the way we are on lockdown so not sure why shes staying in a hotel.

Are you kidding me? She's doing exactly what adults do in hotels with their lovers. She's having sex with him and lying to you about it!

You desperately need an IC. I can honestly I have never in my several years here say that I have seen someone sit around while their spouse spends time in a hotel with their AP and just think it's a bit strange. You are deeply in denial if you don't think this is a hot and heavy PA that she's flaunting and rubbing in your face right this very minute. And hey, she knows you know but she cares so little that she doesn't even take a minute to call you and attempt to fight for her marriage in any capacity. Even if she's lying. Even if it's an attempt for her to continue to have you at home watching the kids and paying the bills while she runs around with him. That's how badly she is checked out. She knows you have been so accepting of her terrible behavior and so believing of her lies that she can come home whenever and face no real consequences for her behavior as long as she gives you a semi-believable excuse and says she doesn't want a D right now.

You need to get it together and start setting some boundaries. 180 her. At least stop sleeping with her and ask her to stay in the guestroom or something for health reasons. Talk to a lawyer. Talk to an IC. Pick up a copy of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Rovert Glover and look into codependency.

Edit: And for the love of God and all that is holy, DO NOT drag more people into this. No woman in her right mind would date a guy who is still married and idly watching his WW cheat on him. You will make this situation 100x worse by bringing some immoral nutjob into this. And who is watching your kids while you go on dates? Don't your kids deserve better than two cheating parents? Focus on them and not Tinder.

[This message edited by nekonamida at 5:01 PM, April 17th (Friday)]

The affair is ongoing. Good job on finding out who it was and exposing. Currently you have locked yourself in limbo.

She’s making false promises to keep you there.

She’s having a good time. This arrangement is fine with her. How are you liking it.

He maybe fat and unattractive but she picked him over you though didn’t she?

[This message edited by Marz at 6:00 PM, April 17th (Friday)]

Brother this is an ACTIVE A, she doesn't care about what you're telling her, have you EXPOSE her with ALL family and close friends yet ? have you contacted an attorney ? file for D (you can always stop it if she comes around), at this point you have a non-repentant WW who wants to go on vacation with her boyfriend, therefore your ONLY logical choice right now is to file for D and have her served at work, if FULL EXPOSURE and D papers don't shock her back to reality, then nothing will, you can't R by yourself, it takes too and she has chosen her boyfriend, man up and finish exposing the A and file for D, right now your M is a sham anyway, don't forget to get tested for STDs, forget R, you have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to work with at this point.

There's really no need for you to keep chasing her anymore, you already KNOW where she's going and with whom, please stop this and take action to get yourself out of infidelity.

Please don't do the Tinder thing. You will hurt someone, and *you* will also now have an A she can accuse you of...it will be a total shitshow. Be better than that, even if just for your kids. But seriously, it's your integrity at stake, too. You need to be the one with integrity right now.

You must know how difficult it is to read everything in your update, but have this at the beginning of it:

I love my wife very much.

I get this. I really do. Many of us have somehow held this thought in our heads while being treated like a piece of subhuman trash. But you *really* need to forget about the fact that you love her for now. Just put that to the side for a minute.

As a child of divorce, I do not want my kids to go through that.

Oh boy are there worse things than that. Mom having a weird boyfriend is one of them. Dad being utterly destroyed and treated like shit is another.

my wife did tell me last night she wants to go to counseling and that she would give this guy up.

Awesome. How nice of her. The guy she met with today, right? The guy she's "not hiking with?"

I ran the plates and found out the guys name is Mark XXXX which is guy that works for her. She is his boss.

I would pay $500 of my own money to see you (or OBS) blow this up at work for them. Insert chef-kissing-fingers emoji here.

~

You have seen that no amount of reasoning, "nicing," explaining, pleading, pining, etc. has fixed this. Your wife -- your WIFE -- has a boyfriend and is having sex with him in the mountains as I type this.

You've told the OBS. The next two moves are a serious 180 and divorce papers. The other move if you can handle it is blowing it up at work.

Within 24 hours your mind will be blown at how much better your infidelity situation is.

And then, wayyyyyyyyy down the road, *if* you're still in love and you're getting everything you need and you still want it, you might be able to reconcile with your wife. Otherwise, there is plenty of Tinder waiting for you on the other side.

[This message edited by Okokok at 9:57 AM, April 18th (Saturday)]