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She must have realised that going to a party whilst leaving your young kids with a friend is maybe not the best idea.

Cut out the hopium and assume it's just another lie.

Liars lie a lot.

The kids are with my ex.

They miss me and want to see me for dinner.

My ex emailed and said she was happy for that to happen, as long as I return the “ kindness” at some point .

There is nothing kind about it of course .

The children want to see her dad and it’s possible without too much hassle for everyone involved .

I will pick them up and drop them off.

Kindness my a...

I remained polite and wrote a ‘grey rock’ answer.

On a different note , I had a date on Sunday which went well.

She is a very high achieving cardiac surgeon, very intelligent .

I was very pleasantly surprised when she said yes to meeting me and it went well. She is attractive but that even wasn’t what drew me to her . It is just nice to talk to someone mature - like many succesful female surgeons, she is quite to the point.

But there won’t be any bullshit or manipulation attempts.

I don’t know if this is going anywhere of course, very early days. But I can obviously get a date without the help of online dating , so that gave me a little spring in my step.

I did have a photo shoot with a photographer to get me some photos for an online dating profile.

I put that on ice for now ( and send the photos to my mum)

I can’t see myself pursuing more than one woman at once , I’m too old fashioned .

A good friend of mine plays the online dating game and sees 2-3 women a week sometimes.

But he also sees a psychiatrist for insomnia and depression .

Is there a link ?

I'm the same Atg. Of course, it's been 45 years or more since I've dated anyone other than my WW. When I was dating it was one young woman at a time. If I ever date again it will be one woman at a time. Yes, I'm old and old fashioned. I don't know if there is a link with your friend. I'm guessing there might be.

I was worried about my kids yesterday and missed them.

My son (8) sent me a text message:

Daddy, I changed my mind. I would like to get "just dance"for the nintendo, not "Zelda". Is that ok?"

I had to laugh.

That's where his priorities are at the moment, its a week before X-mas. He is fine.

I replied "that's an excellent idea"

The kids are fine. I see them tonight for dinner.

If he has the switch. Put it online and get him "Untitled Goose Game". It is pretty funny. Just show him the YouTube videos of it.

You are a goose who is a jerk. You do things like steal people's shoes and knock buckets onto people's heads because they try to chase you away with brooms. He will love it.

Just looked at the video.

It looks awesome , thank you

So, it is all filed:

The financial and child care agreement are with the courts.

The divorce application has been filed - and will be dealt with on the 8th of April.

The courts are busy; but nothing can be changed now.

Technically she could fight the outcome of any agreement, but it would cost a lot of money and energy.

It's all the same to me now : I feel like I have not really been married throughout the relationship.

There was narcissistic abuse , but there was no commitment to a relationship from her end.

If the courts call us married or divorced doesn't matter.

I watched an Adam Sandler's movie with my kids the other week. "Pixels "

"Oh - you were married to the wrong person? That means the worst part is already over "

So true

ATG

For all us of who have followed your journey through your posts in Different Perspective Parts 1 and 2, and while it's sad that your marriage has ended, I am sure 2020 and beyond will bring bigger and better things for you and the children.

Enjoy Christmas and your time with the kids.

I have also noted that some SI members have cited your posts for new betrayed spouses as to how you have dealt with your situation and a narcissistic ex wife.

I would also like to say Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all the SI members who have supported you over the past 12 months or so to get you out of infidelity, especially at times when you were really struggling, and heading towards a brighter future.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 8:36 PM, December 19th (Thursday)]

Merry Christmas ATG. The best of the season to you and your family.

And may next year be your best year to date.

New Years resolution - get laid. Your pipes are clogged.

Thank you all for the wishes.

Marz - I am a man of flesh and blood so to say, but if you ask me where my priorities are -

I have the feeling that the relationship with my narcissistic ex wife was completely meaningless. 13 years of fake.

My two children are a blessing, of course.

Much more than sex, would I like to find someone who is actually interested in me , a real person, not another narc.

However, you gotta have fun...

However, you gotta have fun..

Yep

Your saga of getting out of infidelity is coming to a close ATG. And through it all, you have showed your class of character. I wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Here's to bigger and better 2020 for you my friend.

Thank you, I am looking positively in the future !

My ex still tries it on.

I will fly to Bali with the kids from the 3rd to the 13th of January.

Today she announced that she will take the kids to Perth on the 15th of January.

I suggested that she should pick them up in Bali, rather than the kids flying back and forth from the West Coast to the East Coast.

She had the audacity to say - that’s too expensive “ if you are so concerned, you can pay for it “

She still tries it on.

I showed her that it is in fact cheaper if she would pick them up in Bali, all with good airlines .

“ no, but no “

Selfish cow .

She pays more money and adds 7 hours flying time onto the kids, instead of flying to Perth via Denpasar .

The reason is of course , that she does want to fly the extra leg.

The other way round l, I would have done it ,.

...wait were you trying to reason with her? She is a Narc and is mad because you are taking the kids on vacation without her. Her way of getting back at you is to take them on an equally fab vacation.

Doesn't matter that the kids might be vacationed out and want to sleep in their own beds, that the kids will have spent too much time in the air, that they might be exhausted. SHE wants the same thing you got with the kids. You can't reason with her so don't try. She will see all reasoning as you NOT wanting her to take the kids on vacation no matter how you word it.

The kids are going to be exhausted and cranky but she will have to deal with it.

No good deed goes unpunished with her.

Ignore her.

It went even further.

I received an email, that my children's frequent flyer accounts have been added to my ex father in law's business account.

He is a builder on the West Coast, my children are under 18 on the East coast.

They don't fulfill eligibility for a business account, which is one thing.

But I am the primary account holder, pay their fees and have paid for most of their flights.

Frequent flyer points are means to buy flights, so they are a bit like cash.

So, I had to ring my former in-laws:

You can't do this sort of thing, without talking to me, given we have 50% custody.

Turns out that my ex wanted to use the kid's points to pay for the Perth flights.

"You earn so much money, you don't need those points"

And then

"Stop punishing our daughter"

I nearly lost it and regretted the phone call.

Of course I am the bad guy, for ringing them. Completely no understanding that they can't fiddle with my children's accounts without my consent.

I emailed my ex:

None of us will use the points, we will give them to the kids when they are 18.

Well we now see where your ex got some of her narcissistic traits!

That call makes it clear that your ex probably has been bad mouthing you to the inlaws. Glad you confronted them. Make that the last call you will ever make to them.

As the primary account holder what was done may be verging on illegal without your consent.

Anticipate some comeback from your ex for contacting the inlaws. Following on from Freeme's post you cannot have rational discussions with the irrational. Seems this not only includes your ex but the inlaws too.

You stood up to the OUTLAWS. You maintained your boundaries with what is to be expected as a 50% parent. Make sure you document this event and add it to your files. With your XWW tendencies, you may have to drag her back to court at some point in the future.

Wow! Just from the your string of messages to this board it's easy to see that you fly with the kids alot.

I think you should send a quick email to your lawyer and let her/him know that this is going on. Could you split the point that have already accumulated and then going forward each collect their own points? Or Cash the points out and split the proceeds? In the US Frequent Flyer points disappear if not used after a certain amount of time.

I realized that 90% of the points should be yours but...this might not be a battle you can win in court or with a Narc. She is going to retaliate in some big way because she will blame you for not allowing her to have a vacation with the kids. Something to think about.

I can't believe the gall of her to do this behind your back and assume that it will all work out. My guess is that she didn't think you would find out until after you had left on your trip...or wouldn't want to disappoint the kids or... well shes a narc so who knows what she was thinking.

She is going to go ballistic when she gets your text about saving the points. Keep your reply (if you HAVE to reply) short and give it a time limit. "Let me know by COB today if you would like to split, cash-out, or save the mile for the kids. If I do not hear from you I will assume that we are going to save them until the kids turn 18. Going forward we will keep separate accounts."

I would have contacted the In-laws too. Looks like that's not an avenue going forward.

It makes me mad to know that rather than using this time with the kids to the fullest she is focused on your vacation with them and starting a war. She got the Week of Christmas - That's the best. We did gingerbread houses, drove around looking at Christmas light with coco yesterday...

such a great time to bond with the kids.

Good luck these next two weeks. Keep messages short, don't try to explain why the points should be yours, or how messed up her actions were. Don't try to reason with her or explain your points.