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(((((AD)))))

AD, that laundry list of things she messed up is really horrible.

I want to say that I've worried about STBX and OW having a baby. But my therapist gently says to me, "You are INVITING trouble. It hasn't happened yet, it will probably never happen, and there is nothing you can do about it anyhow."

I now try to run all by troubles by the "inviting trouble test" and I've found that I'm feeling a lot better in general. I can focus on the real, immediate problems better. I'm wishing the same for you.

Hi,

Here we go again:

After SIX DAYS without them, WW has had both kids since Friday 3:00 PM.

She then put them to bed at 7:30.

The next day, Saturday, she dropped them off at their friends' from 1:30-7:30 PM. (And she had a friend's mom pick them up.)

She "told me" she would "have them" through Tuesday. Turns out she is working into the evening on Monday and Tuesday and made play dates for both of them Monday and Tuesday after school even though she knows damn well I am home every day from 2:00.

In other words, as usual, she wants to have them "on paper" but has no intention of actually being with them most of that time. And this is just what her version of "50/50" would look like. It's all about them NOT being with me, rather than being with her.

NOW my DS just called me crying, telling me that he and his sister want to come home to me; they don't want to stay with their mom. DS reports that his mom says it's up to me. She's not even putting up a fight. She just doesn't. want. them.

I told DS it's mommy's time with them and I'm sure she has fun stuff for them to do. I just can't do this every weekend. I "rescued" him last weekend, and many other weekends. I have a ton of work to do today.

I need to back off this BS until orders are in place and she understands what First Rights of Refusal means. I can't spend my "off time" fretting about what a negligent mother she is.

I know we've gone over this situation before on this forum. There is the "camp" that says, "Go get them whenever you can" and those who say "She needs to step up."

Either way she's continuing to hang herself, IMO.

But this is just so damn frustrating. I want them, but I just can't do this every weekend; I spent 85 hours with them this past week and my own work has piled up.

(Yes, I am documenting.)

Comments? Advice?

[This message edited by Abbondad at 7:00 AM, October 6th (Sunday)]

Oh dad, she's such a treat.

Look, I get it about needing to get stuff done, etc. But my thinking is, while you are still doing the custody battle, that you should rescue them. If you don't, you are showing the courts that you can't handle more time either. I think, at least until you have your orders in place, and you have more than the 50/50, you need to show the courts that they can be with you 60 or 70% of the time.

If I were you, I would take them back today, as you know she's not going to spend time with them tonight, monday or tuesday after school. Shows you will do more than she. Next time you talk to your lawyer, ask him (her?). I think saying no right NOW, shows that you can't handle more than 50% either. Yes, there is a time to put up boundaries and tell her to deal with it herself, but that time is not during the custody battle.

At the time she led me to believe it was mine. I agonized with her, I wept with her, together we decided to terminate. I drove her to the clinic, and I nursed her after.

^THAT has got to be one of the most heartless, cruel things I've ever read on these boards.

"He was so angry I aborted his child. You see how much I love you and what a sacrifice I made for you?"

^THIS is a very close second.

The shame is not yours.

Shame on her.

Shame.On.Her.

I don't know if the men on here ever read things that make them feel ashamed to be the same gender as some of these unremorseful waywards but this makes me ashamed to be a woman.

It is a special, torturous kind of abuse. I'm so very sorry.

One of the painful turning points for me was/is getting to a point where my happiness is not diminished or increased by his happiness or unhappiness.

I am sad when when what he does or doesn't do hurts my girls but I have been working really hard to detach so that I don't also have to contend with my own feelings about it, IYKWIM?

Cross that bridge if or when you come to it. Invest your energy into crossing this current bridge.

((Abbondad))

I'm sorry to disagree, but despite your custody battle, I don't think young kids get to decide which parent they are with. It's too much pressure on them.

If it's her time with them and they call to come to you, tell them it's their time with mom and you can't wait until it's your time with them but they need to be with their mom when it's her time. Do not let them change the plan.

Just my opinion. I'm sure others will disagree. And they might be right that it's not the best thing to do for the custody battle, but the issue is what's best for the kids.

[This message edited by sudra at 8:52 AM, October 6th (Sunday)]

AD - Go and get them! This isn't divorce from a normal person but from a narcissist. It is always better for your children to be around you. You STBXW is toxic for those kids. It is also a better strategy. Document the phone call. Document that the kids haven't actually been in her care while she has had them, etc. This is a war with her and you have to take ever chance you can to keep your children with you. I know you are exhausted but this isn't over until the divorce is signed, not just the temporary orders. Go get them!

WW just barged into my home with the kids, having texted me two minutes before that DS really needed to see the new frog I caught for him. And that he was "very happy."

I walked to my car; she followed me with the kids like bodyguards and started DECORATING THE YARD WITH HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS.

She then "informed me" that DS wants a "family Christmas" and that she thinks it would be GOOD FOR HIM.

Way to confuse and disturb him further. Plus it's SHE who also wants it. Just a bit more of cake-eating, please.

I started to disagree of course, but then DS and DD came up. I just drove off.

Goddamn her. Mediation for temporary orders is November 1, mediation for temporary orders is November 1, mediation for temporary orders is November 1.... Deep breaths....

THAT has got to be one of the most heartless, cruel things I've ever read on these boards.

Thank you, Strong. I know. It was brutal, and just reading through your eyes what I wrote brings tears to mine.

The shame of which I spoke is the shame I feel for not filing the minute after she told me the child wasn't mine. I waited some more for my soul's infection to grow deeper.

I just have to remind myself I am dealing with a sick, sick individual.

AD: I agree with the 'go get them' camp. WTF talking to your 6 yo DD about taking care of a BABY??? Does the stupid bitch think it's a DOLL or something???

Your not-nearly-soon-enough-to-be-XWW is a cruel, manipulative, heartless, narcissistic, self-centered POS BITCH. The OC/abortion thing is just the cherry on top of the whipped cream on top of the icing on top of the cake. She DOES. NOT. GIVE. A. SHIT. about your children. She only cares about keeping them from you. About her IMAGE.

Once you have visitation orders in place, THEN you can deal with the issue of whether or not it's appropriate for young children deciding whether to take visitation or not.

For now, keep being their rock. You have a tough row to hoe, but you are doing GREAT. Keep hanging in there.

((((AD & kids))))

(((AD))) It is a special, torturous kind of abuse. I'm so very sorry.

With regards to the XW:

If I remember correctly, my attorney told me to have them as much as possible without warning to xwh. It helped because he didn't even ask for full custody.

Once the D was final, I kept the visitation as it is supposed to be, for the most part.

Also, I would never let her in the house if you aren't there. Next time she's coming over stay there. She could be putting VARs in your house. Just get someone to hang out with you for a couple hours while she is there.

Yep, she may/may not have another baby. My children have to deal with the "new"family which includes a boy 2 years younger than my son. My son sat snuggled every night next to my husband and watched TV with him. Guess who snuggles up to his dad, now? And his Dad moved in with OW, so in our state, until they get married that ended the overnights with his Dad.

I'm really not sure if my children will be "ok" after this. But to minimize the effect on them, I have stopped expecting anything from him with regards to their mental health. I have them with me as much as possible. We are pulling our hearts away from him, and planting them here, in our home and our family. He doesn't go to their activities and nothing is going to change this. I treat him like an uncle. It sucks, but it is reality. XWH is going to get sicker and sicker as the years go by, I mean really, who but a very sick person would do this to their own children???

I don't have that answer, so I do my best to live in reality with our children.

I have friends who grew up with one parent who was screwed up. They say that it taught them how NOT to parent, and that they followed the lead of their "normal" parent.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 10:14 AM, October 6th (Sunday)]

Hi,

Just had an altercation with the WW at "our" home.

I left when she came by this morning ostensibly to get some tax documents.

I returned hours later; she had left her laundry in the machines. So she was clearly soon to return.

I locked myself in the bedroom when she came in. I packed up my stuff to leave (the kids were with her) and on my way out she asked me where the tax stuff was.

Here's what went down:

Me: "I told you, it's in the file cabinet."

Her: "It's not there. Just find it. You used it for what you had to do."

Me: "And then I put it back. I don't know what to tell you. You have NO boundaries. I will NOT help you counter-sue me."

Her: "Counter-SUE you???!!!"

Me: "Just get your laundry and LEAVE. This is VERY CONFUSING for the children."

Her: "This is my house and home too!"

Me: "JUST. TAKE YOUR LAUNDRY AND LEAVE. PLEASE. LEAVE."

And I stormed out.

Part of me is obviously very shaken, but part of me is relieved that I got off my chest to her face at least a fraction of what needed to be said to her. Not that it penetrated in the least.

And of course the kids were within earshot.

Before this she was bizarrely acting like it was just another Sunday family day: she washed the dog in the backyard, handed her to me (my mouth agape at her cluelessness of the whole situation) and strolled around the house.

November 1st new locks will be installed and my court order will be framed, ready to be presented to the police.

(Unfortunately I did not have time to find my VAR.)

Your STBXW is showing bizzare conflicting behavior.

First she leaves it up to you whether or not the kids stay with her (abdicating her position as parent). It is HER job to parent the kids when she has them, that includes deciding if they go home (oops, to your custody) during 'her time.'

Second, she shows up at your residence (yes, her house as well, but NOT her residence) without warning and acts like she still lives there. Sounds like some weird power play in her twisted little mind.

All I can say is "document, document, document." As far as a Family Christmas, HELL NO!!! Just add it to the list of issues to go into the temporary orders.

Hang in there. Your kids are relying on you to be their rock of stability.

Always, always, if your Stbxw says its ok, go pick up your crying kids. Sorry, but you owe it to them to rescue them. If not you, then who? Sorry again, but honestly, you can't have it both ways - complaining that she's leaving them with someone else and then saying you just can't do it because you have a lot of work to do.

If it's her time with them and they call to come to you, tell them it's their time with mom and you can't wait until it's your time with them but they need to be with their mom when it's her time. Do not let them change the plan.

^^

or

Always, always, if your Stbxw says its ok, go pick up your crying kids. Sorry, but you owe it to them to rescue them.

It was a hard decision to make. And I did not pick them up ONLY because I had a lot of work to do; I made my decision because, as Sudra pointed out, at the time I did believe that they need to get used to Mommy being in charge when it's Mommy-time, and Dadday being in charge when it's Daddy-time.

In the fog of war, it is such a tough choice to make. I want to be consistent, but it happens every weekend, and I'm concerned that the kids will end up more confused more than comforted, know what I mean? "Who am I with? Mommy. But I want to be with Daddy. So if I cry to Daddy, he will get me. So does this mean Mommy doesn't want me?"

So hard to navigate...

It is hard to navigate dad. Truly though, if you are talking to your lawyer this week, ask them which way you should be going right now to help you in court. Then at least you will know what to do, how to word it (ie.,have your mom call me if she wants to bring you back) and know it will be the best thing when you stand in front of the judge.

Am I correct in understanding that she has them EVERY weekend? If so, that's just unfair and wrong.

Your temporary order hearing can't come soon enough, huh? If it's any consolation to you, my stbx used to come/go randomly and subject me to a *crazy* placement schedule....until those temp orders were in place. Things have been much more *settled* since then.

Feeling so powerless against another who feels entitled -- just sucks. It is ridiculous that she doesn't have the consideration that God gave a frog to *respect* your space without having to have a judge *tell* her to -- although I am not surprised.

I don't like her very much......

Abbondad, I just wanted to support you in your handling of the situation at the moment. Its ironic, isnt it that the way you act now so that you will get more custody may not necessarily be in the best interests of the children. It is such a difficult road to navigate. I agree that whatever you do, you will have people disagree with you. All you can do right now is document, as you are doing. I also believe that having a break from the kids to get some work done is absolutely fine. As parents we forget that our needs are important too, and sometimes we need time and space to work so that we can generate income to provide for the kids. The last thing you need right now is to compromise your career.

By the way, your wife is a Fruit Loop.

It is difficult. It is heart breaking. All you can do is your best, which you are quite obviously doing. Best to you and your children.

Am I correct in understanding that she has them EVERY weekend? If so, that's just unfair and wrong.

That is correct--although of course, not one weekend goes by where she actually "has the" from beginning to end. I truly hope this will be resolved in a few weeks.