SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yes. Definitely clear as mud for me.

I just reread your first post, the one which started this thread, and I tried to overlay your answer to my question on top of your post, so to speak. Unfortunately, no secret code appeared.

I did have one thought for you, though. It has to do with this:

This year he was supposed to be the "cruise director" for the holidays.

Ok, so as you said, there was NO way this was ever going to happen. I understand that the therapist had a hand in this idea, but honestly, it does seem like this set him up for a huge set of failures. He can no more do this than he can be a happy first grade school teacher. It ain't happenin'. He doesn't have the will or the skill to handle this. This was probably a really bad idea.

My suggestion is to talk to him about this. Share your thought that maybe it was a bad idea. He'll probably agree. Take the pressure off of him by taking away the cruise director responsibility for the Holidays. That's just too much for him. However, hand him back something. He must plan one full day in November, a day which will be all about your DD and your family. That's it. But, this is something that he must embrace, and he must embrace it because it is important to you and for your DD.

This would give him the chance to succeed versus fail. If he chooses to succeed (and it IS a choice, I mean come on, he could probably Google this task) at this, maybe it will fuel more success. If he chooses to fail, I would see that as a bad sign - more of a lack of will than skill.

I'm hoping he chooses success.

That's a good idea, nomistake.

This week he has been on high alert. Lots of trying to communicate, and slow driving, and he brought doughnuts this morning on the way back from picking up car parts. It may not sound like a big deal, but bringing us food without having to be asked does NOT exist for him.

On the one hand, I was happy he made the gesture. On the other, I was crying inside that doughnuts on a Sunday morning was the big gesture I have been desperate for.

I know he can't helm the holidays. We can certainly try the day thing. Thank you for the suggestion.

On the other, I was crying inside that doughnuts on a Sunday morning was the big gesture I have been desperate for.

What would be "enough" in your eyes?

JRAZZ,

I'm married to a man who has some limitations with emotional development.

I see the good in him; but the developmental issues make life challenging and painful at times. He's also similar to your husband in that he has an engineering mindset, and he desperately wants to keep his family intact. He clearly loves me, beyond just his dependence upon me.

I find that acceptance is my first step - the developmental issues are part and parcel of the whole man. He will never be able to handle certain things. I worry the most about early onset dementia, because of some of his "reasoning" capacities, and the way I saw his father go downhill before passing, I got to see that "reasoning" ability vanish.

It's like watching Spock in Star Trek lose his capacity for logic. Just not so dramatic and sudden - but a strand here, and a strand there over time, the edges seem to fray before the whole cloth suddenly gives way.

So I study brain health, pump him full of supplements, and try to get him to the gym regularly, and take on some of the cognitive preventive care things to delay the onset of that path from which there would be no return.

Because now that I have seen his father's behavior - connecting the dots for the last 30 years that I've known his family - the loss of logic didn't happen overnight, and I see some of that slippage in my husband now.

We don't get to cherry pick aspects of our husbands we get to keep. We can only work with the whole man. Nurture the best; communicate what we can, and take on the rest ourselves.

Jrazz, thinking of you and first off hugs. Hope vrazz is doing better and had some good Halloween fun. I just saw this thread being out of the boards and loop for while. We are moving house which is a very good thing, but lots of work and boxes still.

I am sorry you are here in so much limbo. Your situation unfortunately feels very familiar. I can relate to some of your frustrations with crazz though I am married to quite a different WH. But the passive aggressive, conflict avoidance, and the self focus are familiar patterns. I think you have gotten some good advice and ideas here.

And the holiday stuff breaks my heart. I trigger like crazy throughout fall and into Christmas. My husband grew up in a holiday crazed household, and seems to want little to do with it. He even suggested that he skip trick or treating this year with our boys, which floored me. The oldest probably only has another year or so before he is done with it. Or at least done with going with us. WH also wants little to do with many holiday festivities and traditions that I have built for our family. I try to involve him, but also won't skip it all because he is not available or it is not a a priority for him. During his A, he skipped several things which our boys love. It's all on me or nothing will happen. And the not really being present in the moment drives me nuts, whether it is another task, ipad or his bberry. (Trigger!)

And sometimes you have to decide what vrazz needs and what experiences you want to have with her. In our case, if he doesn't want to come along or can't, I don't automatically cancel. It depends on what it is, but there are so many things that we would skip if we waited for him. Whether a snowball fight or seeing the lights downtown. I am not sure we would have gotten a tree either of the last two years. (One in the A and then first anti day). I am super interested in whether he will want to be involved this Christmas. He is finally really in IC, and making progress. He is doing a much better job of seeing and acting in response to my needs and those of our children.

But it is slow. I feel like I am in limbo some of the time. And in terms of communication, I drag things out of him, and am not sure how willing I am to do that as a lifelong strategy. I feel your pain there. For us, divorce would involve completely uprooting our boys. We would no longer live in the same cities or regions. There is really no trial separation option. I am still willing to keep healing me and to work on my communication and relationship skills. And watch his progress.

Hang in there, but please find a way to do some self care. Find the time to nurture yourself. You are so important. You and vrazz deserve the best jrazz there can be. Thinking of you.

I agree with nomistakes too about giving him a task where he can succeed.

Thanks everyone.

I'm trying not to whine here. I'm going to keep responding since people are taking the time to offer advice and sympathy, but I don't mean for any of this to sound like I'm still running in circles in this very moment. Life is quite livable, and I am ok.

What would be "enough" in your eyes?

Consistency. Conscientiousness that came organically rather than retrospectively.

Believe it or not, doughnuts are actually a shortcut to my heart for many reasons. I wish I could get past the thankfulness-tempered-with-cynicism when he makes a gesture. For now, I guess I just don't trust that this is anything more than walking on eggshells.

He would do ANYTHING IN THE WORLD I asked him to do, when the timeline required an immediate response. I know people would give their right arm for a partner that just had that one quality. That's why I'm talking it out here... I need to figure out if I'm being reasonable and/or how much of this is mine to own.

Honestly, I don't know what would be the "finish line" of comfort for me here. I can't say, "If he did X, Y, and Z I would be happy" because I don't know what that kind of security even feels like.

Getting down to this, it seems more a conversation of compatibility than his "deficiencies." I know this is a whole other tone from the start of the post.

I just ask people all day to be humble and look at themselves, so that's what I feel like I need to do now.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:11 PM, November 4th (Monday)]