SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Therein lies the dilemma. If he tells her to leave, whats the point of the VAR. Do you want to snoop and learn more gfunk, or put your foot down.

I don't even know if you can legally tell her to leave. I am guessing the house if you own is in both of your names and there are kids to think about.

Though she already left on her own once, to stay at a friends house.

Don't even consider asking her anymore to stop the affair, to stop talking to the OM, etc. That just lowers your own self esteem.

If you demand she stop these things, what is the or else leverage. I don't think you are to the point of divorce papers.

A couple of things to consider, your wife at this time might have already seen a lawyer on her own, and that leaves you way behind.

You should talk to a lawyer as soon as possible. I don't think you realize how serious this is. You have to realize, your wife is NOT the woman you think she is at this time. She could have already gotten divorce papers.

You really need to be on your toes right now.

It is up to you to stop the affair, because she will not do it on her own. Not until the OM dumps her or you scare the hell out of her with divorce papers.

You can force her to leave by throwing her shit out in the front lawn or changing the locks and forcing her to get an attorney to make you let her back in

That might convince her that you are not fucking around.

No you will not be able to keep her out but she sure will have a lot less time to spend with her boyfriend.

You have got to do something drastic to get her to understand this is not a game any more.

This is not the time to read books or be understanding while she continues to flaunt her affair in your face.

The only thing that matters is that it stops or she stops being married and her life changes/

And by the way, whichever girlfriend she went to stay with is probably her biggest cheeeader and is not your friend

I know the feel gfunk. I was almost in the same situation, only difference, I used the D word on D-day. I didn't give her "time to think" She had been secretly seeing one of co-workers for over 5 months before she was caught.

As much as it kills me to think of life without the mother of my children, the only person I thought knew me best, but like it don't, something has to be done.

She is lying to you, only admitting to what she THINKS you already know. For all you know, this has been going on longer than she says, or you think! By her actions, there is more there than just making out.

I know it's hard, I know you don't want to do this. You or your children don't deserve this, but she CANNOT keep getting away with it! Forget about spying on her with VARs and all that, you know more than enough. Take a stand, see a lawyer.

Think of it this way... What do you really have to lose? You already lost your wife. You already lost your perfect little family. You already lost the life you used to have. Only way to go now is forward.

Even you don't really want to go through devorce, it takes two to stay married. Right now it is taking three.

DO IT FOR YOURSELF MAN! It is painful, but you don't pain until she knows for sure she can get away with it.

It's not the end of the world. She MIGHT snap to her bullshit, but chances are, even if she stops seeing OM, whats to stop her from finding another one to "replace" the feelings she had when having the A.

It's a chemical thing, she is going to want the high again some day. Why g through that? You don't deserve this, do yourself the favor. In the future, you will wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

Good luck my man, like Smokey the Bear always say, "Only YOU can stop lying cheating whores from ruining your life." or something like that, but you get the idea.

Gfunl ~ It is so very difficult when we can't have the marriage we want through no decision of our own.

I understand completely.

Please pay attention to the people here.

If you continue to be a doormat; she will continue to walk all over you.

Tell her - You start no contact with the OM now or leave/you will be filing divorce papers. (You can only do this if you are willing to follow through, of course.)

You need her to make a decision and at this point she isn't going to make one because she can have her family and her boyfriend. She will make a decision once the option to have you and him both (at the same time) is taken away from her.

I am a Christian as well. Yes, all of this mess in our marriage has brought me closer to God. However, that does not mean that He expects me to live in a sacred covenant marriage that includes three people - which by definition would NOT be a sacred covenant marriage. Your wife broke the covenant. Unfortunately you are wanting what you do not have right now.

Get some tough love and see if she is willing to get it back.

Jesus didn't allow the adultery at the temple ... remember He sat and braided whips to run out the 'money-changers?' They were ripping people off by extremely over charging foreigners for their sacrifices. Often then the sacrifice wouldn't be 'good enough' and they would rip off the foreign person yet again... sound familiar? Yep ... financial adultery in the temple.

My advice is to go talk to a lawyer and find out your rights in the case of a divorce. Then file for divorce. It's VERY easy to stop it--just do nothing and the case goes away! In the mean time, in most states you get many automatic financial and child-related protections. PLEASE don't skip the lawyer step, even if it's just an initial (usually free) consultation. For example, my lawyer advised me exactly what to do financially with respect to how much money I could take out, to make a new bank account in another bank, and to switch my direct deposit to my new account. This is your best chance for a good outcome, no matter what happens.

I will tell you that even if you two choose reconciliation RIGHT NOW, it takes a LOT of work/suffering on both of your parts and most waywards simply don't have, and never get, the attitude to make it work; not trying to say don't reconcile, but my point is that you need to accept that your old marriage is over no matter what happens, and you need to do the 180 and let it go.

Here's a brief version of my story with respect to the divorce thing:

Once I figured out that my (now ex) wife was "in love" with OM, about two weeks in, I filed for divorce. I figured she'd never stop voluntarily, and I wasn't interested in being in a marriage with another person in it, and I definitely wasn't interested in being with someone who I had to beg to treat me well. (I was still hoping that she'd come to her senses and atone for stuff.) I talked to a lawyer and found out the likely outcome of a divorce. It made it a lot less scary for me. Then I actually filed, hoping that we would come to a point where I could drop the filing, but filing gave me more security that I would be okay no matter what happened--it protected me.

She behaved well after that in the sense that when we did get divorced she agreed to my terms, and she moved out without drama, and we're currently co parenting our daughter smoothly. (Obviously she continued the affair, which sucked, but there wasn't any way to stop that; and I didn't consider forcing it to stop to be a victory.)

Two years out I have improved almost everything in my life and the pain, as far as I can tell, is gone. Note that if you reconcile OR divorce, either way, you're going to take 2 to 5 years to fully heal. Possibly longer if you false reconcile and the truth is dragged out for a long time or she deceives you in some way or there's another affair. Reconciliation is not going to be less painful than divorce. The loss that you fear now, that you're desperately trying to avoid--it's already happened. The sooner you accept that the better. I'm sorry.

She is lying to you, only admitting to what she THINKS you already know. For all you know, this has been going on longer than she says, or you think! By her actions, there is more there than just making out.

Gfunk:

It's difficult to face this possibility, but it is most likely true.

It took me six months to get all the facts of the depths of my waywards betrayal.

He had secret bank accounts, credit cards, a phone, with statments going to his office, and hidden ipads and computer to communicate with her.

He, also continued contact with the OW for six months....until I put his cloths on the lawn, threw him out, changed the lockes and filed

Also, the OW is still lying to her husband, based on conversations I have had with him, despite tons of emails and texts I gave him that prove she was a serial heater, by her own admission and the she instigated the affair with my husband and was teaching him how to NOT GET CAUGHT cheating.

She is still spinning and gaslihting her husband.

So, just be aware that this is a POSSIBILITY in your situation.

Also do NOT move out of the house. She is the one who cheated. She should move out.

Sorry you have joined us. But welcome.

Your a good person. But that's a great way to finish last.

Blow this affair out of the water. Tell her parents. Tell her work. Tell the poor guys wife. Expose it far and wide. Shine a big ass spot light on it.

Tell her parents you need their help. You don't know what else to do And you can't live like this.

Take off work and get to a lawyer to start divorce proceedings. Don't worry. You don't have to follow through with it if she comes around. Have her served. If you file first you have more controll with the outcome. The marriage you had is over. Yup it's done. You will suffer for at least 2-5 yrs either way.

They are not just feeling each other up. You probably know that deep down.

After 6 months and tens of thousands of dollars trying to nice my STBXW back. I realized that it was a deal breaker for me. Her continuing the affair after DDay was my last straw. My niceness made her lose respect for me. So she continued her affair. Don't be like me. It won't work. And I thought I was different. Haaaa. I wasn't. You have a chance to turn this around. I'm rooting for you. Be strong. You can do this.

Gfunk how is it going?

Upintheairnow and others are spot on.

Please expose.

[This message edited by Tom67 at 4:07 PM, August 14th (Thursday)]

gfunk, haven't seen you posting in a couple of days, I hope it's because, you were able to get a plan, and now sticking to it.

Best of luck to you whatever you decide to do.

Gfunk - Checking in to see how you are doing?

Please, take care of you. Sending you prayers.

Father ~ You are our Great Father who loves us. Please help Gfunk in the midst of this horrible storm. Help him to do good things for himself and make a plan for his life no matter which route he will follow. Thank You for loving Gfunk and never leaving him. Amen

Update: wife has been at home.for several days, says contact with OM has been reduced to only work related as she decided to end the EA and PA with him as she realized it would no go anywhere. She is currently in the mindset that she wants to be emotionally alone and that while she loves and cares for me she's not in love with me. I continue to grow in confidence and my relationship with God and continue to work on my heart individually and pray that God will convict her to turn her heart back to Him. Then and only then do we stand any kind of chance of reconciling our marriage. We have spent time together and as a family, I have been kind, loving, not arguing with her, and helping when I can in order to continue to show God's love and changes in my heart. At this point it's up to her to fully realize that she needs to ask forgiveness and that none of our lives will be better, especially the children's, just because she wants to be selfish. I continue to pray for her several times a day, be a father to my children, and love and grow my relationship with God with each passing day. I am also trying to not need her, to improve my physical appearance and health by getting in better shape, and by being happy because of God's love in my heart rather than because of my circumstances.

[This message edited by gfunk at 3:55 PM, August 18th (Monday)]

GFunk

When you originally posted the title was anEA between your wife and your co-worker. Based on your last post, it appears she has now basically told you she was actually having sex with him and only stopped because he had four kids and she saw a lot of problems. The cessation of her PA with OM had nothing to do with caring about you or wanting to stay married to you. And now she has cut it off , tells you she does not love you like a wife should love her husband, and it seems your answer is going to be limited to praying about it.

Well, you do need to pray , but that did not stop her from doing what she did, which I do not think the Bible condones, nor will it stop her from doing it again. And the next guy she starts a relationship with may not have four kids and be married.

She wants space. That translates to she wants to live with you until she finds another man that she is attracted to.

At some point you will understand that prayer alone is not going to solve your problem of getting you out of what she has decided will be an open marriage.

If you can live with that, I hope you are happy. Because it did not appear that way in your original post.

You threw her out when you thought it was just an emotional affair and now you know she is screwing him and you make nice and pray.

I guess I just do not understand

Gfunk you are the classic "nice guy" abd that is not a good thing.

You have gotten great advice here.

Well how has your way worked so far.

Good luck.

My apologies if redundant, but git halfway thru 1st page & HAD to respond. Of course every sitch is different, but....

I tried "nicing" and "loving" xSO for 10 FUCKING YEARS! And off and on another 4. (yes-still a tad bitter about that ).

Just what did the nicing and loving get me? Multiple DDays!

I accepted the blame he said i had in not being good enough wife/mother/cook/ cleaner/provider/etc. Basically it was my failure as a human being that forced him to have the As. I tried to earn his love and fidelity.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! Learn from my mistakes! The A is ALL on your WW, NOT ON YOU! She needs to earn your love, not the other way around.

I have been kind, loving, not arguing with her, and helping when I can in order to continue to show God's love and changes in my heart. At this point it's up to her to fully realize that she needs to ask forgiveness and that none of our lives will be better, especially the children's, just because she wants to be selfish.

And how or why would she come to this realization when everything at home is fine. The way things are now, she has her stable home life and as soon as OM comes sniffing around again, she will have her ego strokes as well. Your solution gives her everything she wants and room to continue her A.

Prayer will not solve this problem.. Pray for strength but take action to change your environment so that its not so A friendly. God does solve our problems. He helps those who help themselves.

she decided to end the EA and PA with him as she realized it would no go anywhere.

Those are not very encouraging words and pretty much the wrong things to say if there is any hope of R.

You are plan B. She realized it would not go anywhere, yea, I guess the OMs wife might have found out.

Your wife is being very unfair to you.

Wife just called a few minutes ago, has to go out of town in 2 weeks for 3-5 days for work. OM is still working in her office, I'm not afraid of them hooking up as she will be 4-5 hours away but am wondering if I should put a VAR in her vehicle for the trip and/or something to monitor the activity on her cell phone. I essentially want to see if she has actually stopped all activity with OM and if she will attempt to have another EMA while out on her business trip. If it helps at all considering I've pulled out all the stops for her any further EMA activity will in all likelihood lead to divorce as I am doing my very best as a man and a husband to forgive and move on from the A while protecting myself.

[This message edited by gfunk at 2:13 PM, August 19th (Tuesday)]

GFunk

Couple of questions

(1) Why would she call you from work to tell you about this trip if you are still living in the same house. It could not wait until tonight. ??? My guess is she wanted to see your reaction while her and OM were still in office.

(2) how are you to know that OM is not also going on this trip. If you know who he is , call the office and ask for him while she is gone. If his VM says he is out of town that should tell you something

You absolutely should put the VAR in car. But be prepared to hear some devastating conversations between them.

The bigger question is what are you going to do if your worst fears are confirmed. Your last post was that you were going to pray for her to see light. No one knocks prayer, but no one who replied thinks that alone wl solve your problem.

My suggestion is to see an attorney while she is gone, have divorce papers drawn up, and if you find out what I think you will that he is on this trip you give her the papers.

Ease so note it is not uncommon for WS to say trip is 3-5 days when it either does not exist, or come back early and get hotel.

Work knows nothing and you think she is out of town. If she has I phone I think you can track where that is.

Again, information is one thing. Acting on it is another.

I think the fact she had to call you in middle of day smells suspicious.

Of course you could really help yourself by contacting his wife with your evidence. That has a better chance of stopping it than anything else

You do have options should you decide to take them

[This message edited by Badhurt at 2:49 PM, August 19th (Tuesday)]

Yes!

This presents a great opportunity to monitor her for any ongoing activity.

I essentially want to see if she has actually stopped all activity with OM and if she will attempt to have another EMA while out on her business trip

Then you do need to pull out all of the stops now. Nothing left to question.

VAR, cell phone monitoring, facebook monitoring including the OMs facebook page.

Also, hire a PI for her out of town trip, if you can.

And yes, research the OM completely. Call the office and ask for him when she is gone and see what they tell you.

Hell, call the OMs wife and ask her if he went out of town on a business trip. Make up some fake business need to call.